It's been a mix of happy weird fun busy and crazy kind of weekend.
I've known they were visiting for a while and I thought that maybe the idea of meeting would happen but it didn't. Sure they all want to spend time as a family and they don't get to see each other a lot but there's me as well. I guess even though it makes me sad it also makes me realize I'm not part of that family. I don't even think I will be part of it.
Sometimes I wish he would just make things more clearer about what he wanted with us with her. I wish he'd stand up for us rather than back down and make it more about it. I'm important but I'm just not important enough I guess.
Sunday 18 November 2012
Saturday 22 September 2012
Chasing Pavements
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
----
Today I embark on a new journey which in a way is a sad but also happy journey.
A new place to live, new flat mates, new surroundings, a new start on life and hopefully a better year for me.
What was meant to be a great exciting happy day started as a crappy heartbreaking one.
As most people know I'm in what some may call an open relationship and as this past year and a bit has gone on we've for sure had our ups and downs mostly ups than downs but its at times a complicated relationship :-/
Today on top of moving out...we've decided to take a break. With everything going on in our lives I guess we need to figure out if we have the time in our lives to be able to be the kind of boyfriend or girlfriend that each other deserves.
I spent the first few hours of my morning upset and unsure of what or how I felt. I guess I feel a mix of emotions. A part of me thinks the break will be good. Another part of me can't stand the thought of taking the break and it just makes me sad.
A friend told me today that right now it will seem like Martin is my everything and there are times when it does feel like that which is why I have an outside person (non sexual of course) who when I need to talk I can go to her. The down side of Martin being my everything is that he was already someone else's everything as well.
At the end of this week whatever happens I will look back and remember the good times. Maybe moving house and becoming independent means that it also means Martin and I move to just being friends. It's not what I want but if our relationship is stressing him out I'd rather we end it.
It's going to be a hard week and already it's been a hard day but I've moved in and now it's time to unpack everything and maybe get an early night.
Time will tell.....
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
----
Today I embark on a new journey which in a way is a sad but also happy journey.
A new place to live, new flat mates, new surroundings, a new start on life and hopefully a better year for me.
What was meant to be a great exciting happy day started as a crappy heartbreaking one.
As most people know I'm in what some may call an open relationship and as this past year and a bit has gone on we've for sure had our ups and downs mostly ups than downs but its at times a complicated relationship :-/
Today on top of moving out...we've decided to take a break. With everything going on in our lives I guess we need to figure out if we have the time in our lives to be able to be the kind of boyfriend or girlfriend that each other deserves.
I spent the first few hours of my morning upset and unsure of what or how I felt. I guess I feel a mix of emotions. A part of me thinks the break will be good. Another part of me can't stand the thought of taking the break and it just makes me sad.
A friend told me today that right now it will seem like Martin is my everything and there are times when it does feel like that which is why I have an outside person (non sexual of course) who when I need to talk I can go to her. The down side of Martin being my everything is that he was already someone else's everything as well.
At the end of this week whatever happens I will look back and remember the good times. Maybe moving house and becoming independent means that it also means Martin and I move to just being friends. It's not what I want but if our relationship is stressing him out I'd rather we end it.
It's going to be a hard week and already it's been a hard day but I've moved in and now it's time to unpack everything and maybe get an early night.
Time will tell.....
Monday 10 September 2012
Well Done You
48 hours 1 hour 52 mins somehow you managed to fit in a 1 hour conversation with a stranger. Awesome!!
Sunday 26 August 2012
The Hard Yards
I still struggle most days with the amount of times we don't actually get to see each other.
It's hard not being able to just see him when I want too.
Sometimes I think we should be able to spend more time talking on the phone because we don't get to see each other a lot, but I know it's easier said than done. He has things to take into consideration and I get that but at the same time I wished she was sometimes a little more understanding.
It's a hard relationship but I love him and he really does make me happy.
I do know though that, as understanding as I am about our relationship and everything that comes along with it I'm not going to wait around forever. I deserve to be happy and I want us to progress to something more than just 2 people who fly back and forth to see each other but don't live in the same town because not everyone is happy or comfortable.
In other news, I've enrolled for school and that will keep me busy and help me not to think so much so looking forward to that.
2013 is hopefully going to be a better year for me and us.
It's hard not being able to just see him when I want too.
Sometimes I think we should be able to spend more time talking on the phone because we don't get to see each other a lot, but I know it's easier said than done. He has things to take into consideration and I get that but at the same time I wished she was sometimes a little more understanding.
It's a hard relationship but I love him and he really does make me happy.
I do know though that, as understanding as I am about our relationship and everything that comes along with it I'm not going to wait around forever. I deserve to be happy and I want us to progress to something more than just 2 people who fly back and forth to see each other but don't live in the same town because not everyone is happy or comfortable.
In other news, I've enrolled for school and that will keep me busy and help me not to think so much so looking forward to that.
2013 is hopefully going to be a better year for me and us.
Sunday 19 August 2012
Little Red Socks
At work we have to initial some of the things that we do because not all jobs enter our name automatically.
When I first started there was another person who had the same initials as me LS. So we didn't get confused with who was who I began using my middle initial so I became LRS.
The other day when I went into work one of the guys there decided to call me Little Red Socks. At first I had no idea what he was on about or where he even got that name from. After much probing he finally said he got it from my initials. He spent the day calling me Little Red Socks which annoyed me at first but now it seems to work. At least for Calvin lol.
Tomorrow is a new day so he may have thought of some other random nick name for me lol.
When I first started there was another person who had the same initials as me LS. So we didn't get confused with who was who I began using my middle initial so I became LRS.
The other day when I went into work one of the guys there decided to call me Little Red Socks. At first I had no idea what he was on about or where he even got that name from. After much probing he finally said he got it from my initials. He spent the day calling me Little Red Socks which annoyed me at first but now it seems to work. At least for Calvin lol.
Tomorrow is a new day so he may have thought of some other random nick name for me lol.
Monday 13 August 2012
Mixed Emotions
Being sick for the past 72 hours has sucked but today seems to be a much better day. Well apart from the crappy sleep I had last night. Couldn't sleep at all.
Finally managed to close my eyes at 1am woke up at 4:30am in a coughing fit then tossed and turned for the rest of the morning. Had stupid sad dreams and also woke up angry and sad. Blah!
Roll on 9am and I'm finally asleep. Still angry annoyed at the stupid dreams I had. Upset that people don't do the things they say they'll do. Upset that even if you did leave your phone at home there is such a thing as email so I don't have to stress and worry. Upset that I feel like a stalker needy person and now feel like even more of an idiot for being upset about everything all over again.
Sounds like its a great start to the week don't you?
Finally managed to close my eyes at 1am woke up at 4:30am in a coughing fit then tossed and turned for the rest of the morning. Had stupid sad dreams and also woke up angry and sad. Blah!
Roll on 9am and I'm finally asleep. Still angry annoyed at the stupid dreams I had. Upset that people don't do the things they say they'll do. Upset that even if you did leave your phone at home there is such a thing as email so I don't have to stress and worry. Upset that I feel like a stalker needy person and now feel like even more of an idiot for being upset about everything all over again.
Sounds like its a great start to the week don't you?
Sunday 12 August 2012
The Green Headed Monster
I don't want to come across as the jealous girlfriend or the one who is telling him what to do and who to see because I want us to be able to trust each other. He really is great and is always open with me about who he talks to and everything which I'm really grateful for because from the beginning it's all I've ever wanted, was for him to be honest.
Of course there are times when after he's told me something that I'm like...ok I wish you didn't tell me that. It gets a little confusing at times because I'm unsure if I want to know everything or if I only want to know some things, or whether or not I want to even know at all. I know that if I ever wanted to ask or talk about anything with him I could and he'd be completely honest. I just find it hard sometimes emotionally to hear it not all of that time because 98% of the time I'm actually pretty awesome lol and can handle it.
For now as far as our relationship is concerned communication and trust are really important to both of us. We don't get to see each other as much as we'd like so we have had to learn to communicate with each other especially when it comes to how we both feel about things and where we see or where we hope to see our relationship going.
As confusing and weirdly as I get sometimes about trying not to be the jealous girlfriend I'm so much better about things than I was earlier just like I said that 2% sometimes can be a bit annoying but I'm working on it and I know talking with Martin helps with that as well.
Thursday 9 August 2012
Speaking Up
Its hard for me to open up and be able to express my feelings.
Most of the time I brush things off because for me, it's a lot easier than having to deal with confrontation.
Confrontation and I, we just don't go together well. We tend to always butt heads and I end up being labeled as 'the nice guy'.
I know sometimes I need to speak up more and say how I'm feeling about things and some of the time I do. I guess I worry to much about what the other person is going to think if I do share my feelings with them, whether they're good or bad.
I still find it a struggle as well sometimes to tell the people who I love how I feel about things.
Martin is a great example of this. We tell each other everything. I swear I talk enough for the both of us. Poor guy must get sore ears and end up tuning me out. :)
There are times though when I find it hard to talk to him and even though I trust and love him I still worry about what he is going to think if I bring up (enter whatever topic) lol. I know him and know he doesn't think bad of me but sometimes it's how I feel and eventually I'll get past this.
It's been a long week and I'm very much looking forward to the weekend. I think I need to do something for me and just have some 'me time'. It will probably help to get me out of the funk that I seem to be in, that and maybe some sleep. *fingers crossed*
Most of the time I brush things off because for me, it's a lot easier than having to deal with confrontation.
Confrontation and I, we just don't go together well. We tend to always butt heads and I end up being labeled as 'the nice guy'.
I know sometimes I need to speak up more and say how I'm feeling about things and some of the time I do. I guess I worry to much about what the other person is going to think if I do share my feelings with them, whether they're good or bad.
I still find it a struggle as well sometimes to tell the people who I love how I feel about things.
Martin is a great example of this. We tell each other everything. I swear I talk enough for the both of us. Poor guy must get sore ears and end up tuning me out. :)
There are times though when I find it hard to talk to him and even though I trust and love him I still worry about what he is going to think if I bring up (enter whatever topic) lol. I know him and know he doesn't think bad of me but sometimes it's how I feel and eventually I'll get past this.
It's been a long week and I'm very much looking forward to the weekend. I think I need to do something for me and just have some 'me time'. It will probably help to get me out of the funk that I seem to be in, that and maybe some sleep. *fingers crossed*
Tuesday 7 August 2012
Super Nanny
It's been 2 weeks of being super nanny to 2 awesome boys. An 8 year old and a 5 year old. No bad behavior yet apart from the little fights but all in all they're good boys, we will see what it's like after they've known me for awhile longer.
Today is Soccer practice day so while we waited for his big brother to finish we thought it would be fun to play on the playground. Once the weather starts to clear up I think we will go more often.
Today is Soccer practice day so while we waited for his big brother to finish we thought it would be fun to play on the playground. Once the weather starts to clear up I think we will go more often.
Sunday 5 August 2012
A 'Death' in the family
Apart from doing some awesome cool chore charts for the 2 kids today I also spent a lot of the time trying to get rid of a stupid virus.
I gave up after a while and took all my things off and did a factory restore. Now I am sitting here waiting patiently for it to finish. Apparently it can take anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour.
I gave up after a while and took all my things off and did a factory restore. Now I am sitting here waiting patiently for it to finish. Apparently it can take anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour.
Saturday 4 August 2012
Saturday Adventures
Today we all went up to Matakana Markets ate some good food checked out some ok stores then we stopped in at Puhoi Pub and Hotel where I had a ginger beer.
It was a fun day out with everyone and glad that at the last minute I decided to go. I wasn't going to because I wanted to do a few things before the working week starts back but I'll do them all tomorrow.
Puhoi is a really awesome small town, reminds me sometimes of being up north.
It was a fun day out with everyone and glad that at the last minute I decided to go. I wasn't going to because I wanted to do a few things before the working week starts back but I'll do them all tomorrow.
Puhoi is a really awesome small town, reminds me sometimes of being up north.
Monday 30 July 2012
Children
The kids hanging out after school in front of the heater while watching some random art thing on TV. Oh the joys of being a kid again.
Sunday 29 July 2012
Seven Years On
I remember it like it was yesterday some days. It was labour weekend of 2003. I had just come out of a relationship when I met you.
It was very much a courting process for us. We spent the next few months talking online and going on dates before we made it 'official' in February the following year.
We had our issues as most couples do and you were the person who was there through the whole court process. I always thought that going through that meant we'd be able to get through anything.
April 2005 and we're finally engaged!
We spent the next 3 months planning what was meant to be our forever after. Back and forth we were with jewelers, dress makers, invitation people, photographers. It was all we did in our free time. It wasn't a stressful process for us but we were looking forward to spending eternity together.
July 30th 2005 and our day was finally here. I was an hour late and I remember you always giving me grief for that. I made up for it by saying it was tradition that the bride was late :)
It was such an awesome day and I was the happiest person in the entire world. I was looking forward to spending the rest of eternity with you and being your wife.
Unfortunately things changed. I know that I'm partly to blame for everything that happened in our relationship. I know I pushed you away and made it hard for you to trust me. We really did try but I think there was a part of me that just wasn't sure. I didn't know anything else before you. You were my life. I was selfish at times and didn't want it to end because what would I do without you?
I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry for everything that happened in our marriage. For all the hurt and pain that I caused you. The endless amounts of councilling that you had to endure. The late night fighting sessions. I know you didn't deserve any of it.
As we approach what would've been 7 years of marriage I just hope that in these last 10 months of separation that you've managed to at least some what heal and sort out your life. You really do deserve to be happy and as hard as it will be tomorrow for both of us I am thinking about you and hope you're ok.
Nothing I can say will take back anything that has ever happened but we can only learn from our mistakes and move on. Sometimes the memories will stay but eventually it'll fade along with the pain.
I'm sorry that we have to spend what was meant to be a day of celebration alone and not together like it should have been.
It was very much a courting process for us. We spent the next few months talking online and going on dates before we made it 'official' in February the following year.
We had our issues as most couples do and you were the person who was there through the whole court process. I always thought that going through that meant we'd be able to get through anything.
April 2005 and we're finally engaged!
We spent the next 3 months planning what was meant to be our forever after. Back and forth we were with jewelers, dress makers, invitation people, photographers. It was all we did in our free time. It wasn't a stressful process for us but we were looking forward to spending eternity together.
July 30th 2005 and our day was finally here. I was an hour late and I remember you always giving me grief for that. I made up for it by saying it was tradition that the bride was late :)
It was such an awesome day and I was the happiest person in the entire world. I was looking forward to spending the rest of eternity with you and being your wife.
Unfortunately things changed. I know that I'm partly to blame for everything that happened in our relationship. I know I pushed you away and made it hard for you to trust me. We really did try but I think there was a part of me that just wasn't sure. I didn't know anything else before you. You were my life. I was selfish at times and didn't want it to end because what would I do without you?
I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry for everything that happened in our marriage. For all the hurt and pain that I caused you. The endless amounts of councilling that you had to endure. The late night fighting sessions. I know you didn't deserve any of it.
As we approach what would've been 7 years of marriage I just hope that in these last 10 months of separation that you've managed to at least some what heal and sort out your life. You really do deserve to be happy and as hard as it will be tomorrow for both of us I am thinking about you and hope you're ok.
Nothing I can say will take back anything that has ever happened but we can only learn from our mistakes and move on. Sometimes the memories will stay but eventually it'll fade along with the pain.
I'm sorry that we have to spend what was meant to be a day of celebration alone and not together like it should have been.
Saturday 28 July 2012
Rayas Birthday
Some of the crazyness and Yummo food that was at Rayas birthday. Happy 21st.
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| Mel, One of Rayas Cakes, Mike the Gladiator, Fairy with her tutu and wand |
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| OMGosh the food at the party totally yummo!! |
Monday 23 July 2012
July Visits
Martin visited on the weekend and we spent a night up north with my Nan which was nice. We did the tourist thing of course and what should've taken us 3 hours to get there took us 5 instead.
We had fun stopping in at Eutopia Cafe for some yummo organic vegetarian food, trying fried broad beans, trying a weird feijoa wine - Nan liked that, me not so much. We had fun in those 24 hours we were up north and did a lot of things well Martin mostly helping Nan with all of her random excel needs lol.
As you do we also stopped in and took photos of the world famous Kawakawa toilets. We were totally tourists as we made our way up North.
We told my Papa when we went up again we'd take him to do the winery tours. Well I will drive them lol. He was happy about that. All in all it was a great weekend and not too long till we go to Wellington. Yay!
We had fun stopping in at Eutopia Cafe for some yummo organic vegetarian food, trying fried broad beans, trying a weird feijoa wine - Nan liked that, me not so much. We had fun in those 24 hours we were up north and did a lot of things well Martin mostly helping Nan with all of her random excel needs lol.
As you do we also stopped in and took photos of the world famous Kawakawa toilets. We were totally tourists as we made our way up North.
We told my Papa when we went up again we'd take him to do the winery tours. Well I will drive them lol. He was happy about that. All in all it was a great weekend and not too long till we go to Wellington. Yay!
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| Yummo organic dark hot chocolate and vegetable soup along with the lady from the kawakawa toilets |
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| Kawakawa Toilets |
Thursday 19 July 2012
I've had it for a while now maybe 3/4 months and keep saying 'yes I'll sign up for an account' finally decided today I would sign up for an account.
Waiting for my therapist to arrive I decided to take a photo of the millions of books she has in her office. Not too bad of a photo since it was taken from an iPhone. Really need to invest in another point and shoot camera.
Waiting for my therapist to arrive I decided to take a photo of the millions of books she has in her office. Not too bad of a photo since it was taken from an iPhone. Really need to invest in another point and shoot camera.
Sunday 20 May 2012
Moving On
I struggle some days wondering whether or not I should get in touch with you. I wonder what you are doing. How you are. If you're doing okay. I wonder how you would react to where I am in my life right now. Would you be happy for me? Sad? Disappointed?
I miss everything I had then. My life. My friends. You. I've missed so much these past months. So much is going on. Birthdays. Pregnancies. Children's milestones. I miss things about the life I had when I was with you but I'm also happy with where I am right now.
I have new friends, a new life and I have someone who loves me just as much as I love him if not that little bit more hehe. I'm grateful for the experiences that I have had and am still going through but I'm grateful that at the end of the day I have always had that 1 person who has always been there for me and I'm grateful to her for that.
As much as I miss my friends and wish things were different with them they won't be and I don't think we will ever get back to that point in our relationship. For now I'll carry with me the memories of the things we did and the moments we shared together and remember the great times we had when things were all "perfect"
I miss everything I had then. My life. My friends. You. I've missed so much these past months. So much is going on. Birthdays. Pregnancies. Children's milestones. I miss things about the life I had when I was with you but I'm also happy with where I am right now.
I have new friends, a new life and I have someone who loves me just as much as I love him if not that little bit more hehe. I'm grateful for the experiences that I have had and am still going through but I'm grateful that at the end of the day I have always had that 1 person who has always been there for me and I'm grateful to her for that.
As much as I miss my friends and wish things were different with them they won't be and I don't think we will ever get back to that point in our relationship. For now I'll carry with me the memories of the things we did and the moments we shared together and remember the great times we had when things were all "perfect"
Saturday 5 May 2012
Blah!
I guess I don't really know what to think. I'm confused about what to think and feel about the whole situation. I care about him so much that maybe its easier to cool things off a little. It wasn't done intentionally. We really didn't mean to make things awkward but it happened and now I'm unsure how I feel about it.
Feeling a bit blah about everything...what to do what to do
Feeling a bit blah about everything...what to do what to do
Tuesday 1 May 2012
In Loving Memory
It's a sad day today as I bid farewell to my iPhone. We've been through a lot together and now we sadly must part ways. I'm trying to find out if she can be replaced but for now my phone is in a plastic bag waiting to see if she will be resurrected :( Wednesday 25 April 2012
Family Matters
My cousins Adam and Lani were visiting NZ a couple weeks ago since moving to Australia nearly a year ago and while here they stopped in to pick me up and away we went to the hot pools.
I'll admit it was hard to hang out with them. These were the 2 cousins who came to Auckland at least once a month to hang out with J and I playing buzz junior games till all hours of the morning. It was sad in a way to hang out with them and not have J there. It was as if something was missing from our 'foursome' that it wasn't really the same without J. I thought about him a few times while out with them.
Reminiscing over the fun things we all did together and the adventures we went on. It really was the four of us.
Adam and I caught up on all of the gossip. From family, food, work, boyfriends, lovers, dating and J everything really it's what we do.
It was hard talking about J and it still is hard to talk about him but I'm getting there and slowly learning to open up and push past it all. Slow and small steps. Seeing Dolly really helps and I'm grateful to have her as one of my people. She helps me to answer or ask myself questions I might not have thought of.
Things are slowly starting to look up for me and I'm trying to let go of the past and move on with my life. Work is great and keeps me busy. What more could I ask for right now?
I've got great friends, a family who have been supportive of me throughout the whole J situation. I've been adopted into 2 awesome families who help keep me somewhat sane and grounded when my own immediate family isn't here. Things really are great right now.
Then there is Milla who has been there for me year after year after year. She's my person and the one who at 4am wouldn't be surprised to receive a text from me. The one I always went to for advice, to complain too, share my secrets with and after all of these years it amazes me we still haven't met yet can still manage to tell each other everything. Weirdos. Lol.
On top of all of that I also have Martin. My best friend and my lover. He's been my other person these past several months and I don't know what I'd have done without him. I'm grateful to have him in my life and as we move on I look forward to seeing what happens in the future.
I love my life now bring on the rest of 2012!
I'll admit it was hard to hang out with them. These were the 2 cousins who came to Auckland at least once a month to hang out with J and I playing buzz junior games till all hours of the morning. It was sad in a way to hang out with them and not have J there. It was as if something was missing from our 'foursome' that it wasn't really the same without J. I thought about him a few times while out with them.
Reminiscing over the fun things we all did together and the adventures we went on. It really was the four of us.
Adam and I caught up on all of the gossip. From family, food, work, boyfriends, lovers, dating and J everything really it's what we do.
It was hard talking about J and it still is hard to talk about him but I'm getting there and slowly learning to open up and push past it all. Slow and small steps. Seeing Dolly really helps and I'm grateful to have her as one of my people. She helps me to answer or ask myself questions I might not have thought of.
Things are slowly starting to look up for me and I'm trying to let go of the past and move on with my life. Work is great and keeps me busy. What more could I ask for right now?
I've got great friends, a family who have been supportive of me throughout the whole J situation. I've been adopted into 2 awesome families who help keep me somewhat sane and grounded when my own immediate family isn't here. Things really are great right now.
Then there is Milla who has been there for me year after year after year. She's my person and the one who at 4am wouldn't be surprised to receive a text from me. The one I always went to for advice, to complain too, share my secrets with and after all of these years it amazes me we still haven't met yet can still manage to tell each other everything. Weirdos. Lol.
On top of all of that I also have Martin. My best friend and my lover. He's been my other person these past several months and I don't know what I'd have done without him. I'm grateful to have him in my life and as we move on I look forward to seeing what happens in the future.
I love my life now bring on the rest of 2012!
Thursday 12 April 2012
Happy Birthday
I really didn't have anything to worry about. I got a midnight happy birthday phone call from Martin. I woke up to texts and FB messages from friends and family. I received 5 birthday cards from Martin. Lunch date with Raya then I had an awesome dinner with Lee-Anne and the Rodings.
I really felt spoilt today and I'm so grateful to have people in my life who are all now like family too me. I'm grateful for the people who took time out to welcome me to their family and make my birthday feel special for me. All in all it was a better birthday than I thought it would be. Looking forward to next years birthday for sure. So much can change in a year. :)
Monday 26 March 2012
Hanging Out
I enjoy the time we get to spend together and the long talks we get to have about our relationship and where we see it heading. It's nice to know that we're both reading the same book and seem to be on the same page.
We really don't get to spend as much time together as we would like but I know our daily phone calls make up for the distance. I also know that when we do get to see each other we make the most of our time and make sure to do lots of random things.
Geocaching being one of them and me being scared to death by these 2 crazy dogs barking there heads off while we searched in the bushes for our cache.
Or trying to feed these random horses and all I can think is 'Please horse, please don't bite me' lol. Or watching as one horse tried to 'pick a fight' with the horse I was trying to feed.
I do love our time together and I'm glad that even though we don't get to see each other a lot that when we do it's not all about sexes. I'm grateful to have him in my life and I'm def looking forward to his visit in May.
We really don't get to spend as much time together as we would like but I know our daily phone calls make up for the distance. I also know that when we do get to see each other we make the most of our time and make sure to do lots of random things.
Geocaching being one of them and me being scared to death by these 2 crazy dogs barking there heads off while we searched in the bushes for our cache.
Or trying to feed these random horses and all I can think is 'Please horse, please don't bite me' lol. Or watching as one horse tried to 'pick a fight' with the horse I was trying to feed.
I do love our time together and I'm glad that even though we don't get to see each other a lot that when we do it's not all about sexes. I'm grateful to have him in my life and I'm def looking forward to his visit in May.
Sunday 25 March 2012
Officially 'Normal'
I've always either classed our relationship as friends, friends with benefits or most recently weird and complicated.
While it is complicated and weird, to me it's not, well not in the sense where I'm always having to say I'm in a officially weird relationship.
We both know that there will be people who will find it weird and not right but when we look and think about our relationship we shouldn't have to say that we are in an officially weird relationship. Weird or not it's a relationship.
Eventually I'm sure it will progress and whatever happens happens, but for now we will take each day as it comes and enjoy being in a relationship together.
While it is complicated and weird, to me it's not, well not in the sense where I'm always having to say I'm in a officially weird relationship.
We both know that there will be people who will find it weird and not right but when we look and think about our relationship we shouldn't have to say that we are in an officially weird relationship. Weird or not it's a relationship.
Eventually I'm sure it will progress and whatever happens happens, but for now we will take each day as it comes and enjoy being in a relationship together.
Saturday 24 March 2012
Box Of Memories
Every time I try and sort through our things I always find it difficult. It's hard to have to sit and wade through letters, photos, wedding cards, anniversary presents and gifts we gave each other or received from other people.
I've tried so many times to go through the box but there are just too many memories and it's hard not to go through it without feeling all emotional and sad.
We had some really good times and looking in you were the person who could've given me everything that I wanted, but at the same time I wasn't happy, we both weren't happy.
It's hard to just forget or try to get over someone who you were with for 7 years but I'm trying to deal with the motions of it all. I'm trying to grieve the relationship, which as Dolly says isn't a bad thing.
I hope one day that if and when our paths cross again that we can smile and be happy for each other wherever we are in our lives. We used to be best friends and I'm sorry that we're not anymore.
Just so you know, the time we did have together as hard as it was, there were more happy times for me then there were sad. It was a rough ride for us but we really were happy and we really did love each other, things just didn't end up the way that we had hoped and I'm sorry for that too.
I really do hope we can both move past this and just be happy for ourselves and for each other. You are a great guy and you deserve to be happy, we both do.
I've tried so many times to go through the box but there are just too many memories and it's hard not to go through it without feeling all emotional and sad.
We had some really good times and looking in you were the person who could've given me everything that I wanted, but at the same time I wasn't happy, we both weren't happy.
It's hard to just forget or try to get over someone who you were with for 7 years but I'm trying to deal with the motions of it all. I'm trying to grieve the relationship, which as Dolly says isn't a bad thing.
I hope one day that if and when our paths cross again that we can smile and be happy for each other wherever we are in our lives. We used to be best friends and I'm sorry that we're not anymore.
Just so you know, the time we did have together as hard as it was, there were more happy times for me then there were sad. It was a rough ride for us but we really were happy and we really did love each other, things just didn't end up the way that we had hoped and I'm sorry for that too.
I really do hope we can both move past this and just be happy for ourselves and for each other. You are a great guy and you deserve to be happy, we both do.
Monday 19 March 2012
Over Thinker
Sometimes I think I care too much or that I'm putting too much into our relationship. Sometimes I think I over think things or think too far ahead or worry about the what if's. I am grateful though that when there are times I feel like that or feel like I need to talk I know I can go to him.
Even though there are times I wonder what or how things will work out all I know is that I'm happy and excited for our future together. Whatever happens I know we will enjoy going on this journey together and even if it's not an ideal situation for some it's something we want.
I'll admit I never thought this would be how I wanted to live my life but can you really help who you have feelings for or with whom you fall in love?
It's going to be interesting but I know we're both wiling to put as much of ourselves into our relationship as we can and just take each day as it comes.
We have a few plans but only time will tell when and how these will be put into action.
It's definitely going to be an interesting next few months and I really am looking forward to it. :)
Even though there are times I wonder what or how things will work out all I know is that I'm happy and excited for our future together. Whatever happens I know we will enjoy going on this journey together and even if it's not an ideal situation for some it's something we want.
I'll admit I never thought this would be how I wanted to live my life but can you really help who you have feelings for or with whom you fall in love?
It's going to be interesting but I know we're both wiling to put as much of ourselves into our relationship as we can and just take each day as it comes.
We have a few plans but only time will tell when and how these will be put into action.
It's definitely going to be an interesting next few months and I really am looking forward to it. :)
Monday 12 March 2012
It's Official
Infidelity ended my six year marriage. I married young and came with unacknowledged baggage. Along with the infidelity came excommunication from my church.
Fast forward a few months and that brings us to today.
So much has happened this part week that it's hard to know where to start.
Before I went to Christchurch I was unsure how I felt about him and our relationship. I knew I had feelings but I also had so many unanswered questions that were in someway keeping be back from being able to pursue anything further with him.
On the flight down I made a mental list of the questions I felt I needed to ask and I hoped that his answers would help me to have a better understanding of our relationship and in what direction it would head in. When we would have the chance to talk I wasn't sure, but I knew by the end of this trip I would leave as his friend or his lover.
I arrived late Friday afternoon and made my way to his home. It was a long ride but it gave me time to think about us and where I wanted our relationship to head.
I let myself in and waited for him to come home from work, little did I know he had just beat me home and managed to sneak up on me and gave me a fright.
We enjoyed our time together and took a walk to get some Thai food for dinner, which was totally yummo.
We spent the evening in talking, laughing, eating and watching random things on YouTube.
Without going into too much detail as I've mentioned previously our relationship is a bit of a complicated one and what makes it complicated is that he's in an open relationship. He and his wife have decided that they want to be in an open relationship where by allowing them too see other people. Not so much in a casual sense but more so in a wanting to be able to explore the possibilities of being able to have romantic feelings for someone else. The term being Polyamory where a person can have romantic/loving feelings for more than one person at a time.
So on the flight down when I made a note of the questions, there were times when I wondered to myself if I was asking these question because I didn't trust him. I wondered if he would feel like I was trying to control his life and our relationship. Was it all going to be worth it for him to pursue something with me knowing I wanted answers to maybe sometimes difficult questions.
Saturday we spent most of the day having a D&M. I remembered my list of questions that I wanted to ask and away we went.
I asked about us and how he felt about our relationship. How he spends his time when not talking or seeing me. Who he talks too online. Who he emails and how his existing relationship was going.
As we sat and D&M'd I felt that sense of relief as he answered honestly about his relationship, about us and where he had hoped it would go. I explained to him the things that I felt like I wanted from our relationship and what it would entail.
We talked a lot more in depth about the specifics of things and how it would all work out. As it has been over these past 9 months we've been flying back and forth to see each other and staying in hotels. Which don't get me wrong is nice but we need something more if this is going to work.
We have an idea in mind of how things will go but we're not 100% sure how it's all going to work out but we do know that we love each other and are wanting to be in a complicated sort of not so normal relationship.
It's been an interesting week trying to push past a few hurdles and growing stronger together as a 'couple' while we work through them. I'm looking forward to seeing what the future holds for us and as hard as it will be for some people to wrap their minds around, for now this is what we want.
March 2012: The start of my complicated sort of not so normal relationship.
Fast forward a few months and that brings us to today.
So much has happened this part week that it's hard to know where to start.
Before I went to Christchurch I was unsure how I felt about him and our relationship. I knew I had feelings but I also had so many unanswered questions that were in someway keeping be back from being able to pursue anything further with him.
On the flight down I made a mental list of the questions I felt I needed to ask and I hoped that his answers would help me to have a better understanding of our relationship and in what direction it would head in. When we would have the chance to talk I wasn't sure, but I knew by the end of this trip I would leave as his friend or his lover.
I arrived late Friday afternoon and made my way to his home. It was a long ride but it gave me time to think about us and where I wanted our relationship to head.
I let myself in and waited for him to come home from work, little did I know he had just beat me home and managed to sneak up on me and gave me a fright.
We enjoyed our time together and took a walk to get some Thai food for dinner, which was totally yummo.
We spent the evening in talking, laughing, eating and watching random things on YouTube.
Without going into too much detail as I've mentioned previously our relationship is a bit of a complicated one and what makes it complicated is that he's in an open relationship. He and his wife have decided that they want to be in an open relationship where by allowing them too see other people. Not so much in a casual sense but more so in a wanting to be able to explore the possibilities of being able to have romantic feelings for someone else. The term being Polyamory where a person can have romantic/loving feelings for more than one person at a time.
So on the flight down when I made a note of the questions, there were times when I wondered to myself if I was asking these question because I didn't trust him. I wondered if he would feel like I was trying to control his life and our relationship. Was it all going to be worth it for him to pursue something with me knowing I wanted answers to maybe sometimes difficult questions.
Saturday we spent most of the day having a D&M. I remembered my list of questions that I wanted to ask and away we went.
I asked about us and how he felt about our relationship. How he spends his time when not talking or seeing me. Who he talks too online. Who he emails and how his existing relationship was going.
As we sat and D&M'd I felt that sense of relief as he answered honestly about his relationship, about us and where he had hoped it would go. I explained to him the things that I felt like I wanted from our relationship and what it would entail.
We talked a lot more in depth about the specifics of things and how it would all work out. As it has been over these past 9 months we've been flying back and forth to see each other and staying in hotels. Which don't get me wrong is nice but we need something more if this is going to work.
We have an idea in mind of how things will go but we're not 100% sure how it's all going to work out but we do know that we love each other and are wanting to be in a complicated sort of not so normal relationship.
It's been an interesting week trying to push past a few hurdles and growing stronger together as a 'couple' while we work through them. I'm looking forward to seeing what the future holds for us and as hard as it will be for some people to wrap their minds around, for now this is what we want.
March 2012: The start of my complicated sort of not so normal relationship.
Thursday 8 March 2012
Happy Birthday
Thank you for being the best friend to me that you have these past few years. I love you loser-roo. Happy Birthday!!!
Wednesday 7 March 2012
Grateful
I'm so grateful to have people in my life who I can confide and talk too. The people who will stop what they're doing to listen to me and be my person. To listen even when majority of the time I don't make sense lol.
Love my friends and am so grateful to have them all in my life.
I feel a lot better having talked to him as well and he always knows what to say to make me feel better. :)
Love my friends and my life right now.
Love my friends and am so grateful to have them all in my life.
I feel a lot better having talked to him as well and he always knows what to say to make me feel better. :)
Love my friends and my life right now.
Blahhhh
Sometimes I think I do things without even thinking through the situation properly.
Did I do it because I didn't trust him?, because I do, with my life. Why did I feel I had to look for answers else where.
Whatever the outcome of all of this I would understand if he walked away. I would understand if he wanted less. If he felt I was too needy and expecting too much from him.
I'm sitting here thinking and wondering if I did it to sabotage the relationship? Am I worried of commitment? The relationship? Do I not trust myself? Or him?
I feel like I'm going insane wondering what to expect and trying to decipher what is going on in my head and my heart.
If only life was so simple and easy but then what kind of a challenge would that be.
Did I do it because I didn't trust him?, because I do, with my life. Why did I feel I had to look for answers else where.
Whatever the outcome of all of this I would understand if he walked away. I would understand if he wanted less. If he felt I was too needy and expecting too much from him.
I'm sitting here thinking and wondering if I did it to sabotage the relationship? Am I worried of commitment? The relationship? Do I not trust myself? Or him?
I feel like I'm going insane wondering what to expect and trying to decipher what is going on in my head and my heart.
If only life was so simple and easy but then what kind of a challenge would that be.
Sunday 26 February 2012
A Lost Friendship
It's been a rough 6 months. There are times when I have missed those past relationships. My marriage. My family. My friends. I felt like slowly everyone just left.
Sure what I did was wrong but is it any less wrong to just leave and cut me out of your life? It took awhile but I let you in and thought to myself, I really have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I was wrong though because when I needed you the most, you weren't there anymore. I guess it hurt you to see what I was doing with my life but you didn't ask why...you only cared that it was too hard for you and that it was a shock what I had done.
I miss my best friends, the ones who I thought would be there for me know matter what, but you all left.
I was alone and went to the people who I knew WOULD be there for me. They took me in, listened, asked questions and never once judged. They don't agree with the choices I've made but they are still there for me...being a friend and a shoulder to cry on.
I thought being a friend meant that know matter what your friends did you would always be there for them. Maybe it was hard for you because of J but if this was the other way around I would have been the best friend I could have been to you.
I'm still hurt that you left because I really did think that of everyone you would be there but your not. Not anymore.
I miss you. I miss hanging out with you and our girls nights. I miss the random afternoon teas we had. I miss hearing about your life...but most of all I miss my best friends.
Sure what I did was wrong but is it any less wrong to just leave and cut me out of your life? It took awhile but I let you in and thought to myself, I really have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I was wrong though because when I needed you the most, you weren't there anymore. I guess it hurt you to see what I was doing with my life but you didn't ask why...you only cared that it was too hard for you and that it was a shock what I had done.
I miss my best friends, the ones who I thought would be there for me know matter what, but you all left.
I was alone and went to the people who I knew WOULD be there for me. They took me in, listened, asked questions and never once judged. They don't agree with the choices I've made but they are still there for me...being a friend and a shoulder to cry on.
I thought being a friend meant that know matter what your friends did you would always be there for them. Maybe it was hard for you because of J but if this was the other way around I would have been the best friend I could have been to you.
I'm still hurt that you left because I really did think that of everyone you would be there but your not. Not anymore.
I miss you. I miss hanging out with you and our girls nights. I miss the random afternoon teas we had. I miss hearing about your life...but most of all I miss my best friends.
Saturday 18 February 2012
Oh Adele
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love.
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love.
Friday 10 February 2012
Rolling In The Deep
How did I let myself get so involved? Is it wrong of me to be jealous? To hope that maybe the things that we did together were special? It wasn't anything new...nothing I hadn't heard before but it's different from another persons perspective.
It hurt just as much as it did when he first told me about it, it still hurts and it's why I'm blogging.
I knew what it was in the beginning. It was about fun and sharing experiences. He made me feel comfortable. He never once judged me and I was grateful to him for that.
It's been nearly 9 months of intense conversations, sharing secrets, sexual encounters, tears, laughs and sometimes along the way a bit of heart ache.
I thought I could do it but I don't think I can. I'm torn between whether to go or not to go. Going would result in hurt and not going would be the same because I don't know how to let go.
As much as it hurts right now, he's the only one I wish were here to give me hugs but that doesn't help the situation.
We have a complicated relationship we do. One which I don't even think I'd wish on my worst enemy. In the end someone always gets hurt and it's a fact, they never leave.
I've wished it so many times that things would progress into something else but they won't. It won't ever be us. I wish I was enough but I'm not that either. I'm in way too deep and I'm about to drown.
Moving on will be the best thing not just for me but him. He can move onto bigger and better things and I won't have to feel so hurt about the whole thing because as I've said before...sometimes I like to torture myself and while we're 'together' I'll just keep doing it and that's not smart.
It's a tough decision and even though it's laid out in black and white..I'm still unsure as to whether I should stay or go.
It hurt just as much as it did when he first told me about it, it still hurts and it's why I'm blogging.
I knew what it was in the beginning. It was about fun and sharing experiences. He made me feel comfortable. He never once judged me and I was grateful to him for that.
It's been nearly 9 months of intense conversations, sharing secrets, sexual encounters, tears, laughs and sometimes along the way a bit of heart ache.
I thought I could do it but I don't think I can. I'm torn between whether to go or not to go. Going would result in hurt and not going would be the same because I don't know how to let go.
As much as it hurts right now, he's the only one I wish were here to give me hugs but that doesn't help the situation.
We have a complicated relationship we do. One which I don't even think I'd wish on my worst enemy. In the end someone always gets hurt and it's a fact, they never leave.
I've wished it so many times that things would progress into something else but they won't. It won't ever be us. I wish I was enough but I'm not that either. I'm in way too deep and I'm about to drown.
Moving on will be the best thing not just for me but him. He can move onto bigger and better things and I won't have to feel so hurt about the whole thing because as I've said before...sometimes I like to torture myself and while we're 'together' I'll just keep doing it and that's not smart.
It's a tough decision and even though it's laid out in black and white..I'm still unsure as to whether I should stay or go.
Being Prepared
Growing up we never had anything so with it being a new year I thought why not start now. It's a lot more smarter to buy something every week rather than rushing out to the supermarket to try and buy it all in one go. It's also a good idea to buy things you're actually going to eat. Don't go buying tins of tuna when you know you're not going to eat it. (Can you tell I like budget stuff - You wont really care what brand it is when you've got nothing else to eat)
Like I said start small and work your way up till you have enough food storage for you and your family.
Today I went out and picked up some of the basics, obviously I need more than this but for now it's better than nothing.
Make sure you have something to cook your food with and invest in waterproof matches.
Sometimes when you think about it, it can be a huge process and I know some people who put it off either because they don't think anything will happen or they just don't have the space to put all the food.
As far as for nothing happening you just never know. There is already so much going on in the world that wouldn't it make you want to be prepared rather than not.
Start today and be prepared!
Thursday 9 February 2012
The Earlier Years
April 1986: My parents were living up North pregnant with me when at only 26 weeks I was ready to come out.
Mum went to Rawene Hospital but they told her to go to Whangarei so off we went. Next thing I know, I'm in my very first helicopter ride going from Whangarei to Auckland Hospital. Once there my parents were faced with a tough decision to either abort or go to Waikato Hospital. They chose the latter, obviously. How lucky was I? Two helicopter rides in the space of 24 hours. Every kids dream right?
Having settled in at Waikato Hospital it was time. For some reason I just wanted out and didn't want to stay in any longer.
April 12th 1986: I'm finally here. Delivered via C section at 26 weeks and weighing in at 878 grams.
I spent the next 7 months of my life in an incubator, it became my world. It was the only thing I knew. I never had the chance to bond with my Mum. That feeling of being held against her chest. I didn't get to feel that. Even on the odd occasion when someone could hold me, it wasn't for very long. How as a child was I meant to know where I belonged? I felt alone. All I knew was myself and my incubator, oh and the millions of tubes that ran through my body to help me breath and feed.
I struggled to bond with anyone and only later as an adult would I realise how sometimes damaging and heart breaking that can be.
Two years later January 1988 my sister was born. I don't remember much from when we were kids and from seeing DS it can be quite 'normal' to not remember when you've had such traumatic experiences.
Fast forward a little to December 1989 my younger brother was born. Our family was growing and yet I still don't remember much of it. Maybe I learnt to block things out and it was the only way I knew how to cope.
Sadly at 20 months in August of 1991 my brother passed away in his sleep. The only thing I remember anyone saying was that he had Pneumonia. It was hard for my parents and they seperated for a while then Mum got pregnant (to Dad obviously). July 1992 my other brother was born. My parents seperated before he was born and stayed seperated till their divorce in 1995.
Sometime in all of that Mum met my step dad...and he had an instant family of 3 kids. They married May 1995. He introduced us to the church and we continued to go as a family till I was about 13/14. Then my family went off and on till they stopped going all together in 2005.
We moved around a lot as a kid which was hard for me...I'd make new friends then all of a sudden we'd be leaving and I never once had the chance to say goodbye to that friendship. In the space of 10 years we'd moved 5 times and that only includes moving to different towns not moving to a different house in the same town.
I never liked moving. I told myself when I have children I'm never moving. I hated the thought of always having to move and not being able to mourn the loss of a friendship because all I was, was a child and you don't really get a say in where your family is going to live when you're all of 10.
It was a rough first few years of my life...stuck in an incubator for 7 months, the loss of a brother, having to move so much, the loss of friends and finally not being able to bond with my Mum or Dad, or with anyone for that matter.
I learnt to keep to myself...I was the kid growing up who didn't have many friends but those friends I did have I always managed to attach myself to them as if my life depended on it.
Looking back had I have had that closeness with my family things could have been different both in my childhood heading into my teens and then into adulthood and finally my marriage.
It's these fears, worries, regrets and mistakes that will make for a better person. I'll look back and see how far I've come from that little tiny baby in the incubator to a hopefully somewhat more open person. Someone who doesn't find it a struggle to let people in, for fears of them abandoning me.
It's a new year, a new me and I'm ready to tell this story from the beginning.
Mum went to Rawene Hospital but they told her to go to Whangarei so off we went. Next thing I know, I'm in my very first helicopter ride going from Whangarei to Auckland Hospital. Once there my parents were faced with a tough decision to either abort or go to Waikato Hospital. They chose the latter, obviously. How lucky was I? Two helicopter rides in the space of 24 hours. Every kids dream right?
Having settled in at Waikato Hospital it was time. For some reason I just wanted out and didn't want to stay in any longer.
April 12th 1986: I'm finally here. Delivered via C section at 26 weeks and weighing in at 878 grams.
I spent the next 7 months of my life in an incubator, it became my world. It was the only thing I knew. I never had the chance to bond with my Mum. That feeling of being held against her chest. I didn't get to feel that. Even on the odd occasion when someone could hold me, it wasn't for very long. How as a child was I meant to know where I belonged? I felt alone. All I knew was myself and my incubator, oh and the millions of tubes that ran through my body to help me breath and feed.
I struggled to bond with anyone and only later as an adult would I realise how sometimes damaging and heart breaking that can be.
Two years later January 1988 my sister was born. I don't remember much from when we were kids and from seeing DS it can be quite 'normal' to not remember when you've had such traumatic experiences.
Fast forward a little to December 1989 my younger brother was born. Our family was growing and yet I still don't remember much of it. Maybe I learnt to block things out and it was the only way I knew how to cope.
Sadly at 20 months in August of 1991 my brother passed away in his sleep. The only thing I remember anyone saying was that he had Pneumonia. It was hard for my parents and they seperated for a while then Mum got pregnant (to Dad obviously). July 1992 my other brother was born. My parents seperated before he was born and stayed seperated till their divorce in 1995.
Sometime in all of that Mum met my step dad...and he had an instant family of 3 kids. They married May 1995. He introduced us to the church and we continued to go as a family till I was about 13/14. Then my family went off and on till they stopped going all together in 2005.
We moved around a lot as a kid which was hard for me...I'd make new friends then all of a sudden we'd be leaving and I never once had the chance to say goodbye to that friendship. In the space of 10 years we'd moved 5 times and that only includes moving to different towns not moving to a different house in the same town.
I never liked moving. I told myself when I have children I'm never moving. I hated the thought of always having to move and not being able to mourn the loss of a friendship because all I was, was a child and you don't really get a say in where your family is going to live when you're all of 10.
It was a rough first few years of my life...stuck in an incubator for 7 months, the loss of a brother, having to move so much, the loss of friends and finally not being able to bond with my Mum or Dad, or with anyone for that matter.
I learnt to keep to myself...I was the kid growing up who didn't have many friends but those friends I did have I always managed to attach myself to them as if my life depended on it.
Looking back had I have had that closeness with my family things could have been different both in my childhood heading into my teens and then into adulthood and finally my marriage.
It's these fears, worries, regrets and mistakes that will make for a better person. I'll look back and see how far I've come from that little tiny baby in the incubator to a hopefully somewhat more open person. Someone who doesn't find it a struggle to let people in, for fears of them abandoning me.
It's a new year, a new me and I'm ready to tell this story from the beginning.
Thinking Out Loud
There's that part of me that hopes sort of wonders that when our relationship changes that it'll be easy.
I tell myself and others that I'm doing really well and I really am...there is just that small part where I wonder if she was right when she said that I was in too deep and whether or not I will have the 'courage' to let go of our relationship and be friends.
I feel in working with DS that I'm starting to understand myself and my needs and that as hard as it is sometimes to say....or even think it but I am important and I really do deserve to be happy and with someone who loves me and wants to be with me, weaknesses and all.
I feel that right now as deep in as I am that I really am ok with moving on from it all...and only time will tell how much our relationship changes and in what regard it will actually change. It could be that maybe we lose that friendship or it could be that we become best friends either way whatever happens I know that I'll be ok and will be able to pull through all of it.
I tell myself and others that I'm doing really well and I really am...there is just that small part where I wonder if she was right when she said that I was in too deep and whether or not I will have the 'courage' to let go of our relationship and be friends.
I feel in working with DS that I'm starting to understand myself and my needs and that as hard as it is sometimes to say....or even think it but I am important and I really do deserve to be happy and with someone who loves me and wants to be with me, weaknesses and all.
I feel that right now as deep in as I am that I really am ok with moving on from it all...and only time will tell how much our relationship changes and in what regard it will actually change. It could be that maybe we lose that friendship or it could be that we become best friends either way whatever happens I know that I'll be ok and will be able to pull through all of it.
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Thinking
I tell myself I'm ok with everything and I really am, and no I'm not just saying that. I guess there are times when it hits me that sometimes things just aren't alway as they seem.
How do you move past everything and hope that it's just all going to be ok? Will our relationship change? Will it be awkward? Is it possible to just be friends? Am I strong enough to do that?
Aw
I have millions of questions that I have no idea what the answers are, or where to even start looking for them.
I may need to start praying to the Gods lol.
How do you move past everything and hope that it's just all going to be ok? Will our relationship change? Will it be awkward? Is it possible to just be friends? Am I strong enough to do that?
Aw
I have millions of questions that I have no idea what the answers are, or where to even start looking for them.
I may need to start praying to the Gods lol.
Sunday 5 February 2012
Handwriting Challenge
2. Handwrite the month and day you were born
3. Handwrite one of your parent’s names
4. Handwrite what color shirt your wearing right now
5. Handwrite what you want to do as a job
6. Handwrite your favorite number
7. Handwrite your favorite season of the year
8. Handwrite the country you currently live in
9. Handwrite a letter to someone who inspires you
Lifes Questions
There are times when I feel so sad that all I want is a hug from you. Times where I think about our life wondering how and where it all went wrong.
Were we doomed from the beginning? Was I not ready for a 'real life' relationship? Did I do it all for the wrong reasons? Was she right when she said you deserved better than me? Were we meant to go through what we did for a reason? So many question and not enough answers.
Sometimes I've sat and read journal entries from the beginning of our relationship and it was great...we had so much fun but as it went on and before we were even married we began to have problems.
Sure everyone had problems but ours, they started small and just got worse...I began to doubt myself and our relationship and then as we married I doubted myself even more. Even earlier on, I knew I had issues. I was scared of losing you. Aren't we all scared of that? Losing someone we love?
I regret a lot of the things I've done and if I could I'd have gone about things in a different way. A way in which didn't hurt as many people as it has. I truly am sorry for the hurt I have caused and even though you've forgiven me I know that deep down it won't ever stop hurting and I'm sorry for that as well.
I do hope that one day you can find the peace that you need to be able to move on with your life. You deserve to be happy, we both do.
I guess for me, I'm just trying to figure out what I'm meant to be doing with myself and slowly with the help of DS and seeing her every week I'm progressing. Sure I have a lot of work to do but no one is perfect nor are we able to reach perfection, though we can try and it's what I'm doing it's all I can do right now.
You really do deserve to be happy and I really mean it when I say I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end up like this and I'm sorry that you found out the way that you did, you deserved to have heard it from me and I'm sorry you didn't. I am grateful though that you heard it from someone who I knew would be there for you and would support you if and when you needed it.
I sincerely hope that you are in a better place and that you are getting the help and support that you need to be able to pull through all of this. I don't expect you to forget, but I do hope that one day you can look back on this and see that you were able to push past it all and just let go. Don't dwell on the past it'll only eat you alive and you deserve much more than that.
Were we doomed from the beginning? Was I not ready for a 'real life' relationship? Did I do it all for the wrong reasons? Was she right when she said you deserved better than me? Were we meant to go through what we did for a reason? So many question and not enough answers.
Sometimes I've sat and read journal entries from the beginning of our relationship and it was great...we had so much fun but as it went on and before we were even married we began to have problems.
Sure everyone had problems but ours, they started small and just got worse...I began to doubt myself and our relationship and then as we married I doubted myself even more. Even earlier on, I knew I had issues. I was scared of losing you. Aren't we all scared of that? Losing someone we love?
I regret a lot of the things I've done and if I could I'd have gone about things in a different way. A way in which didn't hurt as many people as it has. I truly am sorry for the hurt I have caused and even though you've forgiven me I know that deep down it won't ever stop hurting and I'm sorry for that as well.
I do hope that one day you can find the peace that you need to be able to move on with your life. You deserve to be happy, we both do.
I guess for me, I'm just trying to figure out what I'm meant to be doing with myself and slowly with the help of DS and seeing her every week I'm progressing. Sure I have a lot of work to do but no one is perfect nor are we able to reach perfection, though we can try and it's what I'm doing it's all I can do right now.
You really do deserve to be happy and I really mean it when I say I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end up like this and I'm sorry that you found out the way that you did, you deserved to have heard it from me and I'm sorry you didn't. I am grateful though that you heard it from someone who I knew would be there for you and would support you if and when you needed it.
I sincerely hope that you are in a better place and that you are getting the help and support that you need to be able to pull through all of this. I don't expect you to forget, but I do hope that one day you can look back on this and see that you were able to push past it all and just let go. Don't dwell on the past it'll only eat you alive and you deserve much more than that.
Sunday 29 January 2012
Far North
We've been spending the last couple of days in the Far North and I always love coming back here I just need to come back more often.
Went to Paihia, Waitangi, Kaitaia, Cape Reinga and now we're out at Tokerau Beach. I remember coming here as a kid staying in the beach house and it's still just as gorgeous as I remember.
We also went to Hauhora to see both my brother and grandfather who are buried there and it was really awesome to go and see them both. I don't go up as often as I should but this time when I went up it was more emotional than I thought it would be but I'm glad I went and stopped in.
I think next time we come up I need to come longer and spend more time touring around. I think as a child you don't really appreciate it as much as you do when you're an adult.
I've enjoyed spending time with Mel and Lee-Anne and I'm so grateful to have such amazing cool friends.
I'm blessed to know that we live in such a beautiful country and I can't wait to see more of it. Road trip anyone?
Went to Paihia, Waitangi, Kaitaia, Cape Reinga and now we're out at Tokerau Beach. I remember coming here as a kid staying in the beach house and it's still just as gorgeous as I remember.
We also went to Hauhora to see both my brother and grandfather who are buried there and it was really awesome to go and see them both. I don't go up as often as I should but this time when I went up it was more emotional than I thought it would be but I'm glad I went and stopped in.
I think next time we come up I need to come longer and spend more time touring around. I think as a child you don't really appreciate it as much as you do when you're an adult.
I've enjoyed spending time with Mel and Lee-Anne and I'm so grateful to have such amazing cool friends.
I'm blessed to know that we live in such a beautiful country and I can't wait to see more of it. Road trip anyone?
Thursday 26 January 2012
Photo - Quote
A friend of mine sent me an awesome quote which I feel that right now I can kinda relate too.
With everything going on in my life from my marriage ending, to having feelings for someone who I shouldn't really have feelings for, to also trying to deal with my crazy move around a lot and not being able to connect or bond with anyone (friends or family) just makes for one crazy person and that as my friends would say is VERY true! ;)
I do know that everything I am going through or will go through in the next few months and even years that when I need to I have people that I can turn too for support.
I'm slowly starting to realise that its ok to want to take control of my own life and still be me. Eventually I will get there and slowly taking my own control back really helps.
To be able to feel more confident in myself and know that I pushed through all of this will be the best kind of personal development I can do.
So where do I sign up?
Tuesday 24 January 2012
Baby Steps
It was a long and hard process for me to finally have the courage to come out and say that I had feelings for him and needed to start letting go.
A few months of running it through my mind, with girlfriends and my therapist I just wasn't ready. I always knew that eventually I would have to say something and every time I felt like I had the courage too I backed out.
I was scared I guess. Scared that if I said something it would ruin our relationship. That it would end up being awkward and to be honest, I wasn't ready to not have him in my life. I'm still not ready, but I know that emotionally its unhealthy for me.
It's been hard to control the urge to not text or call him and tell him about my day or hear about his but I'm proud of myself.
I know that to some people it's not a huge deal but to go from talking or texting almost everyday the past 7 months to cutting back, it's hard.
I'm ready to slowly move on and let go but I'm also ready to start working through more of my issues with my therapist. Seriously, anyone not in therapy I would totally recommend it. I love it. :)
I'm tired of riding this 'emotional roller coaster' and really want to get off but it just hasn't stopped at my stop yet. Not sure how long it's going to be until I can get off but in the mean time, I'll be the best support person I can be for the others on this ride and when it comes to their stop I'll be sure to be the person cheering the loudest.
A few months of running it through my mind, with girlfriends and my therapist I just wasn't ready. I always knew that eventually I would have to say something and every time I felt like I had the courage too I backed out.
I was scared I guess. Scared that if I said something it would ruin our relationship. That it would end up being awkward and to be honest, I wasn't ready to not have him in my life. I'm still not ready, but I know that emotionally its unhealthy for me.
It's been hard to control the urge to not text or call him and tell him about my day or hear about his but I'm proud of myself.
I know that to some people it's not a huge deal but to go from talking or texting almost everyday the past 7 months to cutting back, it's hard.
I'm ready to slowly move on and let go but I'm also ready to start working through more of my issues with my therapist. Seriously, anyone not in therapy I would totally recommend it. I love it. :)
I'm tired of riding this 'emotional roller coaster' and really want to get off but it just hasn't stopped at my stop yet. Not sure how long it's going to be until I can get off but in the mean time, I'll be the best support person I can be for the others on this ride and when it comes to their stop I'll be sure to be the person cheering the loudest.
Sunday 22 January 2012
Checking In
Without getting into too much detail I had an awesome 2.5 hour conversation with a 'friend' earlier today which was well over due.
We talked about our relationship and where it was headed and how we were both feeling about it. He's been my person these past 7 months and I've relied on him so much for both emotional support and when we're together the sexual part of that as well that my feelings for him changed from just friends to wanting more.
We went through the motions of talking and seeing how each other felt and I'm grateful that while it was a difficult topic for me to bring up with him that he was able to really listen and just get a feel for how I was feeling about our situation.
I think as we both learn to 'let go' and sort of not really rely on each other as much as we do (well for me anyways) or talk as often as we do it'll help me to not get anymore emotionally involved than I already am.
Our relationship aside we're actually really great friends and I would hate to not have him in my life. Like I said he's been my person these past 7 months but I feel that if I want to 'let go' of the emotional part of our relationship I need to make room to let other people in emotionally and be able to lean on them and not just lean on him every single time. Of course it's going to be hard but right now for me emotionally it's the best thing I can do.
I'm so grateful with how understanding he was about it all and I'm really glad that I was able to tell him how I felt and not worry that he'd judge me or think I was a weirdo for having feelings for him.
All in all it was a great conversation and aside from our circumstances etc he's a really good guy!
We talked about our relationship and where it was headed and how we were both feeling about it. He's been my person these past 7 months and I've relied on him so much for both emotional support and when we're together the sexual part of that as well that my feelings for him changed from just friends to wanting more.
We went through the motions of talking and seeing how each other felt and I'm grateful that while it was a difficult topic for me to bring up with him that he was able to really listen and just get a feel for how I was feeling about our situation.
I think as we both learn to 'let go' and sort of not really rely on each other as much as we do (well for me anyways) or talk as often as we do it'll help me to not get anymore emotionally involved than I already am.
Our relationship aside we're actually really great friends and I would hate to not have him in my life. Like I said he's been my person these past 7 months but I feel that if I want to 'let go' of the emotional part of our relationship I need to make room to let other people in emotionally and be able to lean on them and not just lean on him every single time. Of course it's going to be hard but right now for me emotionally it's the best thing I can do.
I'm so grateful with how understanding he was about it all and I'm really glad that I was able to tell him how I felt and not worry that he'd judge me or think I was a weirdo for having feelings for him.
All in all it was a great conversation and aside from our circumstances etc he's a really good guy!
Saturday 21 January 2012
Friends
It’s been 4 months now and it’s honestly been the longest 4 months of my life.
On the other hand though it’s also been a good 4 months and most recently the past 2 months have been some of my best.
Since going back to therapy I’ve learnt so much about myself and why I’ve made some of the choices that I’ve made. It’s been a really rough road and I’m so grateful that I’ve had people there for me, my therapist being one of them. She has seen me at my lowest and lets me be me and I don’t have to worry about how she’s going to judge me. She has been such an awesome person for me and I’m so glad to have her. I don’t know what I’d do without her.
I’m grateful though that while I have my therapist I also have that small group of close knit friends who I can turn to when I need them. I’m grateful to those friends and especially to that one person who has always been there for me actually those 2 but this one friend has always been there. When everyone else went away she was always there waiting and not judging. Ready to be that listening ear when I needed it. She’s my go to girl and even though I prob don’t say it enough I appreciate her friendship a lot.
She is one person I know who has been my listening ear at 3am till all hours of the day and night and who of all of my friends doesn’t really give a crap about what others think about her.
She was the one who even when things were hard in her life she still managed to find time for me and my problems but also time for her sometimes annoying family. :) I admire her for all that she has been through and I’m so grateful to have her in my life.
More than ever before I know I’m going to need her and I’m glad that while she has her own family and problems to deal with she’s still ok to be my person. I only hope that one day I can be the kind of friend to her that she has been to me.
Love you loser-roo!
On the other hand though it’s also been a good 4 months and most recently the past 2 months have been some of my best.
Since going back to therapy I’ve learnt so much about myself and why I’ve made some of the choices that I’ve made. It’s been a really rough road and I’m so grateful that I’ve had people there for me, my therapist being one of them. She has seen me at my lowest and lets me be me and I don’t have to worry about how she’s going to judge me. She has been such an awesome person for me and I’m so glad to have her. I don’t know what I’d do without her.
I’m grateful though that while I have my therapist I also have that small group of close knit friends who I can turn to when I need them. I’m grateful to those friends and especially to that one person who has always been there for me actually those 2 but this one friend has always been there. When everyone else went away she was always there waiting and not judging. Ready to be that listening ear when I needed it. She’s my go to girl and even though I prob don’t say it enough I appreciate her friendship a lot.
She is one person I know who has been my listening ear at 3am till all hours of the day and night and who of all of my friends doesn’t really give a crap about what others think about her.
She was the one who even when things were hard in her life she still managed to find time for me and my problems but also time for her sometimes annoying family. :) I admire her for all that she has been through and I’m so grateful to have her in my life.
More than ever before I know I’m going to need her and I’m glad that while she has her own family and problems to deal with she’s still ok to be my person. I only hope that one day I can be the kind of friend to her that she has been to me.
Love you loser-roo!
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