Happy 2014

May 2014 be an amazing fantastical year!! You deserve it! All of you!

Goodbye 2013

As 2013 comes to a close I can't help but wonder what 2014 has in store for me  I'm looking forward to the ups and down of it all and looking forward to an amazing year with no car accidents no long periods of time off work and no rushes back to the ER.

I have a feeling that 2014 will be an incredible year and I am looking forward to going on this journey.

I have great friends an amazing wonderful family and I'm so grateful to everyone who has been there for me.

Goodbye 2013 and I hope to never have another year like you again. 

My 2013

A lot has happened these past 12 months and since I've been slack with posting I decided to do a quick what have I been up too and hopefully keep on top of the blog for 2014.

January:
January was a bit quiet with working through and barely having time for anything. Caught up with a GF Leanne tried to be all vain taking picture of one another. Excuse the massiveness that is my boobs since its all you can see in this photo lol

I made a quick trip North to see my Nan and Papa.  Had a lot of fun had the best ice cream ever... (after Pokeno) and kind of just chilled out.  I took Crystal with me on her first and only trip she couldn't handle the no cell phone reception but I loved it. :)  Her Grandad made us snacks to take they were yummo. We also wanted to fish off the wharf so googled the tide times haha.  Fun weekend that was.




February: 
I had a quick trip down to Wellington to spend the weekend with Martin.  I have no idea where the photos are but we had fun visiting Te Papa Museum Game Masters exhibition and played lots of cool random arcade games as well as some dancing ones.  Martin didn't do the dancing ones so much he had a cast on from saving some new year day ducklings from drowning or maybe it was that he fell of his bike?  It's one of those. 

March:
The most embarrassing highlight of March was a broken bed haha.  I am sure you can all guess how it all happened and to my family who are reading this I am sorry haha BUT it is what it is lol.  It also meant a new bed!  Woo.

April:
April was both a month of celebrations and a month of loss hurt and sadness.  It was my birthday which I loved.  I celebrated with awesome friends had some fantastic yummo food from Mexico and got only the best gift ever. Twilight Saga hehe.  Loved my birthday this year. I also had a routine smear as a birthday present. Woo! Go me. Martin and I also decided to end our "relationship" so I could see if something more was there with Steve which brings me to Taupo. I had a lot of fun but came away with a lot of hurt confused and mixed feelings. It was a rough month but I got past it even if I do think of Steve sometimes I'm a lot happier knowing I don't deserve a guy like him in my life. On top of all of that it was also when Martin told me Fenigans was having a baby.  It was hard to hear only because everything was so fresh and raw with our relationship ending and things with Steve being so crappy. It's December now and Annie is the cutest baby ever and I'm really happy for Martin and Fenigans.



May:
Got the results back from my smear and back in to see my Dr to discuss.  It all came back inconclusive so being referred to the hospital for them to have a look.  I was ok to go on my own but I'm glad that Mel came with me.  I still cried haha.  Not because I was worried more because it was an awkward uncomfortable situation.  Results sent away and we now have a letter for surgery in June at Waitakarei hospital. Little did I know it would be one of many.

June:
Was my all expenses paid 2 day trip to Christchurch to participate in the third part of the Very Low Birth Rate Study which is run my Otago University Link Here It was all a bit tiring but had a lot of fun.  Met a really cool chick on the flight down and we ended up staying in the same place so went for dinner which was cool.  She was catching a 9 hour bus down south the next morning.  Took photos of everything while there and I'm sure the Drs and specialists all thought I was weird but hey you gotta do what you gotta do.  

July
July was surgery for my smear.  Everything went all according to plan.  Saw the nurse. Checked in. Snapped a photo of the sexyness that are hospital gowns saw the anesthetist and away we went.  I only found out when I came too that I had issues breathing when I went under.  As I got deeper under I stopped breathing and my vocal cords weren't abducting. After trying a few other ways they put a tube down my throat and manually used a machine to pump air into my lungs.  Surgery went fantastically. Came too but found it really difficult to breath. Got given nebuliser adrenaline and an ENT specialist came to see me. End of the day I was moved to North Shore ICU for observation and referred to the ORL department. 

It all came by too quick with seeing the specialist in the ORL department.  Apparently she wanted to see me sooner rather than later.  Jacqui is an awesome surgeon and her team were and are fantastic. We found out that my vocal cords don't open as much as they should maybe 1/3 of the way if that where as they should open all the way. Surgery on my vocal cords was all booked in for September which for the public health system I think was quite fast.

August
Not a very good month.  I was in a major car accident.  No one really knows what happened I don't remember any of it at all.  Heading to work then all I know is I am in the car with an ambulance officer holding my head up and that was it the next few days in hospital were a huge blur. I guess the only things I know is what I read in papers which sometimes makes me sad.  I don't even know who came to see me on what days.  As bad as the accident was I was lucky to only have come away with 2 broken ribs and a collapsed lung. Video Of Crash Here

September:
Not a lot happened in September for me.  I was off work for a month and couldn't wait to get back into it.  I was healing up ok but being home was rather boring especially with no one home. Was meant to have surgery for my throat but this was postponed to October.  One other thing that happened was J and I got a divorce.  He came from Australia especially to get a divorce.  I thought it would be weird seeing him but it went ok I think.  After not speaking or seeing each other for 2 years it was a little weird but went as ok as it could have been.  He hugged me and wished me luck.  I only wish him the same for his 2014 and whatever else he decides to do with and for himself.

October:
Finally booked into have surgery. Went to North Shore where I met the team.  Checked in settled in and waited.  They had a team of I think 9 with the bad situation that is my breathing they needed to make sure all went ok.  Surgery involved using a laser to laser scar tissue which was joining my vocal cords and then pulling my right vocal cord apart some and stitching it out so that more air went in. Surgery went well and 3 hours later I was done.  No complications and spent the night on the ward instead of HDU which Jacqui (surgeon) didn't realise would happen. I was meant to go to HDU.  

For the next couple of days I struggled to breath and it just got worse.  A really great friend Agnus came to pick me up and away we went to the ER at North Shore hospital.  Spent all day there on nebuliser adrenalin and ENT's looking down my throat to check my airway.  Vocal cords were swollen and because I have bad breathing in general  the swelling isn't helping.  4pm rolls around and I am allowed to go home in a few hours.  Couldn't breath again soo am whisked away in the ambulance to Auckland hospital HDU.  I panicked some on the way and ended up with more adrenaline.  I then spent the next 3 days in HDU at Auckland hospital while they monitored me and made sure I was ok. Finally got to go home and settled back into home life with another 2 weeks off work.
 

November:
After 5 million years of not having a car and having to rely on public transport to get to both work and the kids the insurance company finally paid me out and I got to buy a car.  Because of the urgency of needing a car I didn't really look around but the kids mum Caro someone at her work was selling his wife car and I got that. Its a great car to drive I only wish I had've looked around more for a car BUT I really did need one after not having anything for 3 months.  I still have no name for my car but I will think of something soon.  Another great thing about November is Thanksgiving and as always we shared it with the Rodings.  Had soo much fun and ate some really great food.  We also took random crazy eye photos which we made with the cork from grape juice we surely are crazy.

 

 December:
 Finally we are onto December.  Decembers always tend to be busy with everyone having Christmas parties and trying to do their last minute dash and rush to get to the store to get presents or participate in secret santa from every avenue they can whether it be for work family twitter or school. I very much enjoy Christmas and its always been my fav holiday of the year.  I missed my family this year but was grateful to have had an early Christmas dinner with the Batley Day Flett Nicholson household where we exchanged gifts and got to just have fun relax and enjoy each others company.

We also had the work Christmas party, it was  ok. Not as great as last year BUT you can't go wrong with free drinks can you? All in all a fun night had for everyone I think even the ones who ended up falling in the garden out the front of work. (No, not me)

It was also a sad time for Mr. 9 his pet mice died and we spent the last Friday I was with them burying ming ming poor wee poppet made me sad and broke my heart to see him upset but I love that he knows compassion and loss.

  

 All in all it was an ok 2013.  I will be happy when it is over and will def work more on trying to blog more because this has taken me waaay too long.  I hope everyone has had a great 2013 and that you have an even better 2014.  I have a few things I want to work on for 2014 so we will see how it all pans out.

WISH ME LUCK! :)

Him

This morning was one of the mornings where that stupid song played on my way to work and it reminded me of you. 

I've heard it a few times at work (at least twice a week sometimes more) and a few of us joke about how it's my favourite song.  Oh and look its on again. 

It reminds me how much I wished you didn't act and do the things you did to me. I wonder what in the hell you were thinking.  I am over you and the whole thing just for some stupid reason today is one of those days when it makes me sad. 

One of those days where I regret it all. Where I wished it were different.  Where I wished I never met or knew you. One of those days where all I want to do is tell you how much I hate you but we both know I'm not that sort of person.  

Sometimes I wish we could take away parts of our memories so I could forget it all.

New Start

Today a friend of a friend messaged me on FB and said even though she doesn't know me well she really wants to help me with my eating. I don't eat super bad I don't think but I know I could eat a lot cleaner. The times I struggle the most are weekends when I am working overnight shifts at work, weekends in general and that time of day straight after work when I am getting food ready for the kids when I tend to pick at bad foods.

Tomorrow I start with being more accountable with what I am eating and making note of every single food drink and sweet that passes my lips. I will email said friend each day and she will help me to make the change.  On top of all of that I will also look at joining the gym. After everything that has gone on I am excited to start a new journey to be a healthier better me.

Another Year

Today would have marked 8 years and it amazes me how far I have come as a person and where I am today.  My life has changed both for the better and sometimes for the worse.

If anyone were to ask me 8 years ago would I be where I am now I would have said No! We were meant to be starting a life together, our eternity. Our life was meant to be filled with happiness.  Love.  A family. Us. Church.  Blessings. But sadly that wasn't meant for us, at least not together and I am sorry for that.

As hard as it was when we seperated I am so much happier with how my life is now. I have grown up and pulled myself out of some crazy stuff but I'm happy. I am in a place where I am content. Where I feel like I can be myself. Where I feel loved for me and not for the person you wanted me to be. I don't feel like I need to hide for fear of being rejected or wrong.

I didn't think 2 years ago when we seperated that I would be able to move past it but I did, albeit sometimes I still am but mostly I have moved on.

I'm so sorry for all the hurt I caused you but I really hope one day you find something or someone that makes you happy.  After everything we went through, you went through and what I put you through you deserve to be happy.

I truly am sorry.

Friend Request Sent

I checked out her FB page earlier today and in a way my heart hurt for her. I have no idea what happened with the two of them (apart from his side) but all I want to do is hug her and tell her it will be ok.

I know what I went through isn't anything in comparison to what she did but emotionally I think we're on the same boat.  

I don't know if it was a good idea but I added her as a friend and all we can do is see if she accepts.  If not and if she ever happens to find this blog I hope she's ok and as hard as it is she can totally get through it. All of this will make her a stronger person both for her and her daughter. 

Quote

Such a very real and very true quote. I have been through a lot in my 27 years. I have had so many people come in and out of my life. Not many of them stay but I pick myself back up and start again.

Its a hard thing to swallow when you finally realise that that person who use to be your best friend in high school isn't actually you're friend anymore.  Or the girl  you befriended who everyone else picked on till her boobs came in and her braces came off. Or the guy who promises he won't let go of your hand but did it anyway.

There are so many reasons why things dont work out and all you can do is push through it. Its hard, trust me I know this. I am grateful though I have support.  I wish life were easier sometimes but I know we weren't sent here for an easy life. We can wish for it though right?

Reminiscing

Talked about you for the first time in a little while today.  Still makes me a little sad. I miss your friendship. I guess more the friendship I thought we were building.

It's hard to look back those first couple of weeks where everything was about building foundations and going slow. I let you in. Opened my heart. Shared everything with you and to think our friendship got thrown out with the rest of the trash just like that... its hard to swallow.  I know I deserve friends who are so much better than you but I miss you. I really do.

I wish you'd have just left it. Let her be angry at you but you had to push the knife in deeper just to make extra sure I knew you had chosen her. I wish I could say I hate you but I don't.  I dislike you but I could never hate you. You helped me get past something I wouldn't have been able to do on my own and I'm grateful to you for that. As sad as I am and as much as I miss you and our friendship I'm also grateful that I got to see the real you. I deserve so much better. 

Crushed

After sending an email to a friend about how the kids have been trying my patience this week, what he replied back isn't nearly as bad as what I've been through this week.

It's hard sometimes when friends are going through a hard time and you're not sure what to say or how to be there for them.

How do I tell him that everything is going to be ok when according to him it isn't.

How do you get use to the idea that you think actually she's going to be ok and that she's progressing when she hasn't?

My heart hurts for him because I know how much he loves her and wants only the best. I know it will be a rough road for them but I know they can pull through it.

All of this reminds me of church and how I know He doesn't give us anything we can't handle and perhaps this is something my friend needs to go through. 

I will be the friend that I can be to him and all we can do is see how it goes. I just wish I could do more.

Debbie Downer

I'm a wear my heart on my sleeve kinda girl.  I've always been like that ever since I can remember.  I fall in like too easily and enjoy the feeling of getting to know someone and opening my heart and everything up to them.

This morning after being at work for a good maybe hour the IT guy came over to my desk hugged me and kissed my head and said I was looking a bit flat.  A lot of people notice when I am down and as much as I try to not let it show at work... I'm a lot more quiet and less out going than I am if I was the 'normal" me.  I do love the people I work with and I'm grateful that when I have no family around I have friends who a year or even 2 years ago I din't have. 

I don't know what I would do without the support I get from everyone who has been there for me and I don't know how I could ever repay them for their kindness and generosity.  I am so grateful and blessed to have such people in my life.

Thank you to all of you. 

Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me.

Pick me, choose me, (and if you've seen the episode) love me. - Courtesy of Meredith Grey.

That weekend in Taupo was a mix of things you would either see or not see in a movie.  There were moments where we were happy.  It was as if we were a couple but then there were times when we were the best of friends who just enjoyed spending time together.

There are times when I sit and think how much of an idiot I must've looked like as we both laid there in bed together me bawling my eyes out and telling him how he was choosing to be with someone who treated him like crap and made him feel bad for something he didn't do.  Or the time when we stood there in the shower that morning the exact same words coming out of my mouth as the water hid my tears.  Telling him to Pick Me, Choose Me.  Choose the girl who isn't going to treat you like crap. Even now as I write and think about it I feel like such an idiot.  I sometimes wish I could go back and change everything that happened BUT I know there was a reason why I went through what I did with him. I wished that it were different and I wished that we could have still been friends but end of the day I will always be "that girl" to her. 

I miss our friendship more than I thought I would.  I don't even miss the romantical side of our relationship.  I miss his friendship.  I'm sad with how everything turned out but I am so happy that he is happy.  He deserves it... so do I. 

Fortnight Monday

It really feels like the longest 2 weeks of my life. I miss him and our friendship but I'm happy that he's happy. I'm moving past it all...well trying and eventually it will get easier. :)

I guess it's hard for me to get my head around the fact that we went slow and something happened for them in 10 days that didn't happen for us in a month (which is ok - I know that happens) its just the whole he and I can't be friends anymore because I'm 'that girl' 

I'm ok. :) I don't need friends like him in my life especially after the way he treated me and let her treat me. 

Up and onward I say. 

Lost Friendship

I miss his friendship more than I thought. I know I don't need those kinds of friends in my life but he was the one I shared my day with. I miss the weirdlyness of our friendship.

The other night when we talked I could tell things were different. He wasn't the sane funny weirdly guy I knew (or thought I knew). He seemed more quiet. He wasn't as friendly. His personality wasn't shining through like it usually does. I know how he feels isn't something I should concern myself with especially after everything that happened but I still care about him. He became like a best friend to me. We were meant to be in each others lives but things changed when he decided to choose her.

I really am happy for him I just hope that he really is happy and that he's not 'sucking it up' as we both like to call it.

It's a sad thing how 4 days ago we were the best of friends and today we're complete strangers.

I'm getting past it all and learning to let go of the friendlationship (it's what we called it) it's just hard when all I can think about is how much I miss his friendship.

Closure

Tonight I took the higher ground and messaged him.

I felt the least he could do was give me an explanation as to why he felt it was ok to do what they did to me. I needed him to know what he did wasn't ok and how much it hurt. You're not meant to treat your friends the way he let her treat me.

She was angry with him and he let her take it out on me. That's never ok and I'm glad I told him it wasn't ok.

I've lost a friend but I've gained a better understanding about myself and know that of all the things I've been through including this I can totally pull through it. It's been a rough couple days who am I kidding week but I'm so grateful for friends and family who have been there for me.

I'm glad I had the courage to stand up for myself and that I was the one who took the higher ground.

Let Her Go

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go

The day I left I was stood in the kitchen bawling my eyes out in his arms not because we weren't going to be together but because I was sad and scared of losing a best friend if he chose to pursue something with her.  I've heard it 3 times now today and everytime I hear it my heart breaks just that little bit more.

How am I meant to get past the fact that music was our thing.  I hear songs on the radio that remind me of him and even as I type this yet another song is playing.  I don't know how I am meant to pull through it all when there are so many things that remind me of him.  I am so happy that he has found someone who will make him happy.  He deserves to be happy.  I just don't know how we can go from talking everyday for the past month to nothing in 2 days?  What happened? I was meant to be his best friend.  I was meant to be the person he didn't want to not have in his life. 

Perhaps my gf is right maybe I need to listen to some gangstah rap!  It might just pull me out of this funk I seem to be in at the moment.

Him

As I sit here and ponder the last few days. I'm left wondering Where it all went wrong?  What made him do what he did?  Was it all a game to him?  Did he tell me what I wanted to hear?  Whatever the reason I'm not going to be bitter about it or at him.  Sure I'm hurt but I can get past this as I have done so many other things I've gone through in my life.
Sometimes I feel sad and sorry for him because maybe he didn't want to hurt me but didn't know how to be the "mean" guy and let me down gently.  Maybe he's not as emotionally mature as I thought he was.  I really do hope that whatever happens that they make each other happy.

I don't know what parts of the weekend were real for him or what parts were a game.  I don't even know if any of the weekend was real for him.  I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for him to lie to my face the whole weekend.  Sure I can go on about how he's a jerk or call him every name under the sun but what would that accomplish?  It doesn't make me any better than it does him.  As much as I wished I'd have left Friday or Saturday when things turned pear shape I'm glad I stayed the whole weekend. I got to see the whole weekend out and come away from it all somewhat sad but also glad I won't have what if's or regrets.

I'm glad I can move on and away from the weekend knowing that I did everything right.  I was the person who was there for him when he needed me.  I was the person who helped him through it all.  I was the one who tried to help him see the clearer picture.  I thought after we spent 9 hours in bed Saturday talking it meant something but I'm not going to dwell on what I could change or would change about the weekend.

All in all the weekend was actually really great. I learnt a lot about myself and him and it made me realise that I'm ready to be in a relationship.  I hope that one day he realises how what he did was wrong and that there were better ways he could've gone about all of it. I really do wish him the best.  After everything that he's going through and has gone through he deserves to be happy.  I only wish that he saw what I saw in him, her, them and everything else that is going on in his life. 

I will miss his friendship, the lyrics, the songs, the random jokes, the awesome accent, the food pictures but most of all I will miss the guy I thought I was getting to know.  The guy I thought wanted the same things as me.  The guy I thought was someone different.  Maybe he doesn't really exist?

Time

It always comes down to the same thing with us: Time.

He doesn't have enough of it. Lives with her. Sees her everyday. Sees me for 2/3 days out of every 2 months. Still wants to make sure to spend time with her. Yet I'm the one who is being selfish. Not really sure how that works.

I deserve my own someone. Not her someone. He won't be my someone and I'm too selfish to think he should spend time with me.

Over it sometimes.

2013 A New Year

Happy 2013!!

As I embark on yet another year it's time to look back and see where this 'finding Teesh' person is and how she's getting along lol.

So much has happened but it's been a great 2012 and I'm looking forward to 2013.

Reading back on entries over the year it's hard to believe I'm where I am today. I went from being married to having nothing...No job. No money. I owed money to the bank. It was a rough ride. I'm glad I had supportive people. Now a year on I'm almost out of debt. I own my car. I live in a awesome new place. I'm working full time and of course PT with my nanny kids. I'm less stressed than I was a year ago.

2013 is going to be a great year. Lots of changes to come and I'm looking forward to finding myself even more.