Another Year

Today would have marked 8 years and it amazes me how far I have come as a person and where I am today.  My life has changed both for the better and sometimes for the worse.

If anyone were to ask me 8 years ago would I be where I am now I would have said No! We were meant to be starting a life together, our eternity. Our life was meant to be filled with happiness.  Love.  A family. Us. Church.  Blessings. But sadly that wasn't meant for us, at least not together and I am sorry for that.

As hard as it was when we seperated I am so much happier with how my life is now. I have grown up and pulled myself out of some crazy stuff but I'm happy. I am in a place where I am content. Where I feel like I can be myself. Where I feel loved for me and not for the person you wanted me to be. I don't feel like I need to hide for fear of being rejected or wrong.

I didn't think 2 years ago when we seperated that I would be able to move past it but I did, albeit sometimes I still am but mostly I have moved on.

I'm so sorry for all the hurt I caused you but I really hope one day you find something or someone that makes you happy.  After everything we went through, you went through and what I put you through you deserve to be happy.

I truly am sorry.

Friend Request Sent

I checked out her FB page earlier today and in a way my heart hurt for her. I have no idea what happened with the two of them (apart from his side) but all I want to do is hug her and tell her it will be ok.

I know what I went through isn't anything in comparison to what she did but emotionally I think we're on the same boat.  

I don't know if it was a good idea but I added her as a friend and all we can do is see if she accepts.  If not and if she ever happens to find this blog I hope she's ok and as hard as it is she can totally get through it. All of this will make her a stronger person both for her and her daughter. 

Quote

Such a very real and very true quote. I have been through a lot in my 27 years. I have had so many people come in and out of my life. Not many of them stay but I pick myself back up and start again.

Its a hard thing to swallow when you finally realise that that person who use to be your best friend in high school isn't actually you're friend anymore.  Or the girl  you befriended who everyone else picked on till her boobs came in and her braces came off. Or the guy who promises he won't let go of your hand but did it anyway.

There are so many reasons why things dont work out and all you can do is push through it. Its hard, trust me I know this. I am grateful though I have support.  I wish life were easier sometimes but I know we weren't sent here for an easy life. We can wish for it though right?

Reminiscing

Talked about you for the first time in a little while today.  Still makes me a little sad. I miss your friendship. I guess more the friendship I thought we were building.

It's hard to look back those first couple of weeks where everything was about building foundations and going slow. I let you in. Opened my heart. Shared everything with you and to think our friendship got thrown out with the rest of the trash just like that... its hard to swallow.  I know I deserve friends who are so much better than you but I miss you. I really do.

I wish you'd have just left it. Let her be angry at you but you had to push the knife in deeper just to make extra sure I knew you had chosen her. I wish I could say I hate you but I don't.  I dislike you but I could never hate you. You helped me get past something I wouldn't have been able to do on my own and I'm grateful to you for that. As sad as I am and as much as I miss you and our friendship I'm also grateful that I got to see the real you. I deserve so much better. 

Crushed

After sending an email to a friend about how the kids have been trying my patience this week, what he replied back isn't nearly as bad as what I've been through this week.

It's hard sometimes when friends are going through a hard time and you're not sure what to say or how to be there for them.

How do I tell him that everything is going to be ok when according to him it isn't.

How do you get use to the idea that you think actually she's going to be ok and that she's progressing when she hasn't?

My heart hurts for him because I know how much he loves her and wants only the best. I know it will be a rough road for them but I know they can pull through it.

All of this reminds me of church and how I know He doesn't give us anything we can't handle and perhaps this is something my friend needs to go through. 

I will be the friend that I can be to him and all we can do is see how it goes. I just wish I could do more.

Debbie Downer

I'm a wear my heart on my sleeve kinda girl.  I've always been like that ever since I can remember.  I fall in like too easily and enjoy the feeling of getting to know someone and opening my heart and everything up to them.

This morning after being at work for a good maybe hour the IT guy came over to my desk hugged me and kissed my head and said I was looking a bit flat.  A lot of people notice when I am down and as much as I try to not let it show at work... I'm a lot more quiet and less out going than I am if I was the 'normal" me.  I do love the people I work with and I'm grateful that when I have no family around I have friends who a year or even 2 years ago I din't have. 

I don't know what I would do without the support I get from everyone who has been there for me and I don't know how I could ever repay them for their kindness and generosity.  I am so grateful and blessed to have such people in my life.

Thank you to all of you. 

Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me.

Pick me, choose me, (and if you've seen the episode) love me. - Courtesy of Meredith Grey.

That weekend in Taupo was a mix of things you would either see or not see in a movie.  There were moments where we were happy.  It was as if we were a couple but then there were times when we were the best of friends who just enjoyed spending time together.

There are times when I sit and think how much of an idiot I must've looked like as we both laid there in bed together me bawling my eyes out and telling him how he was choosing to be with someone who treated him like crap and made him feel bad for something he didn't do.  Or the time when we stood there in the shower that morning the exact same words coming out of my mouth as the water hid my tears.  Telling him to Pick Me, Choose Me.  Choose the girl who isn't going to treat you like crap. Even now as I write and think about it I feel like such an idiot.  I sometimes wish I could go back and change everything that happened BUT I know there was a reason why I went through what I did with him. I wished that it were different and I wished that we could have still been friends but end of the day I will always be "that girl" to her. 

I miss our friendship more than I thought I would.  I don't even miss the romantical side of our relationship.  I miss his friendship.  I'm sad with how everything turned out but I am so happy that he is happy.  He deserves it... so do I. 

Fortnight Monday

It really feels like the longest 2 weeks of my life. I miss him and our friendship but I'm happy that he's happy. I'm moving past it all...well trying and eventually it will get easier. :)

I guess it's hard for me to get my head around the fact that we went slow and something happened for them in 10 days that didn't happen for us in a month (which is ok - I know that happens) its just the whole he and I can't be friends anymore because I'm 'that girl' 

I'm ok. :) I don't need friends like him in my life especially after the way he treated me and let her treat me. 

Up and onward I say.