It's been a mix of happy weird fun busy and crazy kind of weekend.
I've known they were visiting for a while and I thought that maybe the idea of meeting would happen but it didn't. Sure they all want to spend time as a family and they don't get to see each other a lot but there's me as well. I guess even though it makes me sad it also makes me realize I'm not part of that family. I don't even think I will be part of it.
Sometimes I wish he would just make things more clearer about what he wanted with us with her. I wish he'd stand up for us rather than back down and make it more about it. I'm important but I'm just not important enough I guess.
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Saturday, 22 September 2012
Chasing Pavements
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
----
Today I embark on a new journey which in a way is a sad but also happy journey.
A new place to live, new flat mates, new surroundings, a new start on life and hopefully a better year for me.
What was meant to be a great exciting happy day started as a crappy heartbreaking one.
As most people know I'm in what some may call an open relationship and as this past year and a bit has gone on we've for sure had our ups and downs mostly ups than downs but its at times a complicated relationship :-/
Today on top of moving out...we've decided to take a break. With everything going on in our lives I guess we need to figure out if we have the time in our lives to be able to be the kind of boyfriend or girlfriend that each other deserves.
I spent the first few hours of my morning upset and unsure of what or how I felt. I guess I feel a mix of emotions. A part of me thinks the break will be good. Another part of me can't stand the thought of taking the break and it just makes me sad.
A friend told me today that right now it will seem like Martin is my everything and there are times when it does feel like that which is why I have an outside person (non sexual of course) who when I need to talk I can go to her. The down side of Martin being my everything is that he was already someone else's everything as well.
At the end of this week whatever happens I will look back and remember the good times. Maybe moving house and becoming independent means that it also means Martin and I move to just being friends. It's not what I want but if our relationship is stressing him out I'd rather we end it.
It's going to be a hard week and already it's been a hard day but I've moved in and now it's time to unpack everything and maybe get an early night.
Time will tell.....
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
----
Today I embark on a new journey which in a way is a sad but also happy journey.
A new place to live, new flat mates, new surroundings, a new start on life and hopefully a better year for me.
What was meant to be a great exciting happy day started as a crappy heartbreaking one.
As most people know I'm in what some may call an open relationship and as this past year and a bit has gone on we've for sure had our ups and downs mostly ups than downs but its at times a complicated relationship :-/
Today on top of moving out...we've decided to take a break. With everything going on in our lives I guess we need to figure out if we have the time in our lives to be able to be the kind of boyfriend or girlfriend that each other deserves.
I spent the first few hours of my morning upset and unsure of what or how I felt. I guess I feel a mix of emotions. A part of me thinks the break will be good. Another part of me can't stand the thought of taking the break and it just makes me sad.
A friend told me today that right now it will seem like Martin is my everything and there are times when it does feel like that which is why I have an outside person (non sexual of course) who when I need to talk I can go to her. The down side of Martin being my everything is that he was already someone else's everything as well.
At the end of this week whatever happens I will look back and remember the good times. Maybe moving house and becoming independent means that it also means Martin and I move to just being friends. It's not what I want but if our relationship is stressing him out I'd rather we end it.
It's going to be a hard week and already it's been a hard day but I've moved in and now it's time to unpack everything and maybe get an early night.
Time will tell.....
Monday, 10 September 2012
Well Done You
48 hours 1 hour 52 mins somehow you managed to fit in a 1 hour conversation with a stranger. Awesome!!
Sunday, 26 August 2012
The Hard Yards
I still struggle most days with the amount of times we don't actually get to see each other.
It's hard not being able to just see him when I want too.
Sometimes I think we should be able to spend more time talking on the phone because we don't get to see each other a lot, but I know it's easier said than done. He has things to take into consideration and I get that but at the same time I wished she was sometimes a little more understanding.
It's a hard relationship but I love him and he really does make me happy.
I do know though that, as understanding as I am about our relationship and everything that comes along with it I'm not going to wait around forever. I deserve to be happy and I want us to progress to something more than just 2 people who fly back and forth to see each other but don't live in the same town because not everyone is happy or comfortable.
In other news, I've enrolled for school and that will keep me busy and help me not to think so much so looking forward to that.
2013 is hopefully going to be a better year for me and us.
It's hard not being able to just see him when I want too.
Sometimes I think we should be able to spend more time talking on the phone because we don't get to see each other a lot, but I know it's easier said than done. He has things to take into consideration and I get that but at the same time I wished she was sometimes a little more understanding.
It's a hard relationship but I love him and he really does make me happy.
I do know though that, as understanding as I am about our relationship and everything that comes along with it I'm not going to wait around forever. I deserve to be happy and I want us to progress to something more than just 2 people who fly back and forth to see each other but don't live in the same town because not everyone is happy or comfortable.
In other news, I've enrolled for school and that will keep me busy and help me not to think so much so looking forward to that.
2013 is hopefully going to be a better year for me and us.
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Little Red Socks
At work we have to initial some of the things that we do because not all jobs enter our name automatically.
When I first started there was another person who had the same initials as me LS. So we didn't get confused with who was who I began using my middle initial so I became LRS.
The other day when I went into work one of the guys there decided to call me Little Red Socks. At first I had no idea what he was on about or where he even got that name from. After much probing he finally said he got it from my initials. He spent the day calling me Little Red Socks which annoyed me at first but now it seems to work. At least for Calvin lol.
Tomorrow is a new day so he may have thought of some other random nick name for me lol.
When I first started there was another person who had the same initials as me LS. So we didn't get confused with who was who I began using my middle initial so I became LRS.
The other day when I went into work one of the guys there decided to call me Little Red Socks. At first I had no idea what he was on about or where he even got that name from. After much probing he finally said he got it from my initials. He spent the day calling me Little Red Socks which annoyed me at first but now it seems to work. At least for Calvin lol.
Tomorrow is a new day so he may have thought of some other random nick name for me lol.
Monday, 13 August 2012
Mixed Emotions
Being sick for the past 72 hours has sucked but today seems to be a much better day. Well apart from the crappy sleep I had last night. Couldn't sleep at all.
Finally managed to close my eyes at 1am woke up at 4:30am in a coughing fit then tossed and turned for the rest of the morning. Had stupid sad dreams and also woke up angry and sad. Blah!
Roll on 9am and I'm finally asleep. Still angry annoyed at the stupid dreams I had. Upset that people don't do the things they say they'll do. Upset that even if you did leave your phone at home there is such a thing as email so I don't have to stress and worry. Upset that I feel like a stalker needy person and now feel like even more of an idiot for being upset about everything all over again.
Sounds like its a great start to the week don't you?
Finally managed to close my eyes at 1am woke up at 4:30am in a coughing fit then tossed and turned for the rest of the morning. Had stupid sad dreams and also woke up angry and sad. Blah!
Roll on 9am and I'm finally asleep. Still angry annoyed at the stupid dreams I had. Upset that people don't do the things they say they'll do. Upset that even if you did leave your phone at home there is such a thing as email so I don't have to stress and worry. Upset that I feel like a stalker needy person and now feel like even more of an idiot for being upset about everything all over again.
Sounds like its a great start to the week don't you?
Sunday, 12 August 2012
The Green Headed Monster
I don't want to come across as the jealous girlfriend or the one who is telling him what to do and who to see because I want us to be able to trust each other. He really is great and is always open with me about who he talks to and everything which I'm really grateful for because from the beginning it's all I've ever wanted, was for him to be honest.
Of course there are times when after he's told me something that I'm like...ok I wish you didn't tell me that. It gets a little confusing at times because I'm unsure if I want to know everything or if I only want to know some things, or whether or not I want to even know at all. I know that if I ever wanted to ask or talk about anything with him I could and he'd be completely honest. I just find it hard sometimes emotionally to hear it not all of that time because 98% of the time I'm actually pretty awesome lol and can handle it.
For now as far as our relationship is concerned communication and trust are really important to both of us. We don't get to see each other as much as we'd like so we have had to learn to communicate with each other especially when it comes to how we both feel about things and where we see or where we hope to see our relationship going.
As confusing and weirdly as I get sometimes about trying not to be the jealous girlfriend I'm so much better about things than I was earlier just like I said that 2% sometimes can be a bit annoying but I'm working on it and I know talking with Martin helps with that as well.
Thursday, 9 August 2012
Speaking Up
Its hard for me to open up and be able to express my feelings.
Most of the time I brush things off because for me, it's a lot easier than having to deal with confrontation.
Confrontation and I, we just don't go together well. We tend to always butt heads and I end up being labeled as 'the nice guy'.
I know sometimes I need to speak up more and say how I'm feeling about things and some of the time I do. I guess I worry to much about what the other person is going to think if I do share my feelings with them, whether they're good or bad.
I still find it a struggle as well sometimes to tell the people who I love how I feel about things.
Martin is a great example of this. We tell each other everything. I swear I talk enough for the both of us. Poor guy must get sore ears and end up tuning me out. :)
There are times though when I find it hard to talk to him and even though I trust and love him I still worry about what he is going to think if I bring up (enter whatever topic) lol. I know him and know he doesn't think bad of me but sometimes it's how I feel and eventually I'll get past this.
It's been a long week and I'm very much looking forward to the weekend. I think I need to do something for me and just have some 'me time'. It will probably help to get me out of the funk that I seem to be in, that and maybe some sleep. *fingers crossed*
Most of the time I brush things off because for me, it's a lot easier than having to deal with confrontation.
Confrontation and I, we just don't go together well. We tend to always butt heads and I end up being labeled as 'the nice guy'.
I know sometimes I need to speak up more and say how I'm feeling about things and some of the time I do. I guess I worry to much about what the other person is going to think if I do share my feelings with them, whether they're good or bad.
I still find it a struggle as well sometimes to tell the people who I love how I feel about things.
Martin is a great example of this. We tell each other everything. I swear I talk enough for the both of us. Poor guy must get sore ears and end up tuning me out. :)
There are times though when I find it hard to talk to him and even though I trust and love him I still worry about what he is going to think if I bring up (enter whatever topic) lol. I know him and know he doesn't think bad of me but sometimes it's how I feel and eventually I'll get past this.
It's been a long week and I'm very much looking forward to the weekend. I think I need to do something for me and just have some 'me time'. It will probably help to get me out of the funk that I seem to be in, that and maybe some sleep. *fingers crossed*
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