Name Change

Eleven years ago I married the person I was meant to be with forever and for those who have followed the blog will also know that five years ago my marriage ended.  I never imagined I would be where I am today but like a friend and I both agree on... even though I have "nothing"  to show for the last 5 years I'm a much better person for it.  I've come a very long way in 5 years. I'm more confident.  I stand up for myself.  I'm more open with my feelings and I'm able to recognise (even when it's hard)  that I deserve better.  Sure there are a lot of things that I could still change and do differently or better and I'm slowly getting there it will just take some time. 

In September of 2013 we were coming up on 2 years of separation.  My ex husband had emailed to remind me of this and that he would be visiting NZ and wanted a divorce. The only request that was made from him when we divorced was that I changed my last name. For all of my adult life I had always been Smith and with it being such a common name I didn't see the point in changing it.  I also didn't want to have the hassle of having to change everything because who really wants to have to change ALL of your legal documents back to your maiden name. 

It's now been 3 years since we were officially and legally divorced.  My ex husband has since remarried and I'm still here 11 years on using Smith.  I don't know if it was time that I needed but these last few days and I think mostly in part to meeting Sister Soderberg that I've felt that I need to start fresh.  I need to move on with my life.  Try to be a better person and even though it won't happen overnight I know the only thing I can do everyday is to keep trying. 

It's the last quarter of 2016 and 2017 is literally around the corner. Who knows, maybe starting the new year with a "new name"  will make a huge difference in how my year will be. 

Online changes first and the rest will follow...

Relationships

Relationships of all kinds are always complicated.  There are so many things that could go wrong yet at the same time there are so many things that could go amazingly right. 

I think we all put ourselves out there and hope like hell that we don't get hurt or that we don't hurt someone we care about.  Unfortunately this isn't always the case.  Someone eventually is bound to be hurt whether intentional or not.

I know I've been on both ends of the equation.  I've hurt people and people have hurt me.  I always use to think (and I guess to some degree I still sort of believe it) that, for every time I'm hurt it makes up for the times I hurt people I cared about.  I know that's probably not true but when it's something that happens quite frequently it's hard not to believe it. 

I think one of my biggest down falls which I wouldn't stage is wearing my heart on my sleeve.  I'm a sucker for happily ever afters but at the same time I totally get that they only happen in fairytales and unfortunately my life isn't a fairytale. 

I've often wondered why I fall for or choose the people I do when it comes to building relationships.  I'm not just talking about a romantic relationship but friendships as well and trust me, I've had my fairshare of both. 

I remember seeing an article the other day about relationships and in it they discuss how we as humans are in need of validation and that a lot of relationships are formed more on the basis of emotional dependency than love. I can say for myself personally that's probably true.  I think I rely a lot on people for emotional dependency that to some degree it messes with my emotions.  It makes me see things differently than I normally would if I wasn't so emotionally invested into someone.  If I was to look back at the relationships or friendships that I've had most if not all would have been based on my need to want emotional dependency. 

I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing and I love that I'm aware that it happens and that I let it happen.  I just think that if I really want something more.  A different type of relationship/friendship with someone I need to go about it differently. 

If only life was simple and we could just have someone else make all the hard decisions for us things would be so much easier don't you think?

Just J

This week J started with her new support worker Nikki (she's a human BTW not one of the dogs as someone asked me).  She absolutely LOVES Nikki and from the first day we met Nikki (early last week)  all J could talk about was when she would see Nikki again and if she was going to be coming to dinner with us with Poppa.

J has had an amazing first week with Nikki with walks everyday,  being able to groom the horses,  visiting doggy day care,  walking Parihaka (some of it),  going to LYNKS and spending time with her friends and baking.

Every morning J wakes up and has breakfast before being super early and ready waiting for Nikki to pick her up.  She loves being able to get out everyday and I'm loving how she's so much more comfortable with herself,  getting out and wanting to do more.

Next month LYNKS is going to Wellington for 4 days and J can't wait to go on camp she's even more excited that she gets to go with her 2 best friends Roberta and Monique (pretty sure that's her other BFF).

LYNKS is such an amazing program and I'm so glad that it is available for people with disabilities.  We are so lucky to have the support and help that we do both through LYNKS and with the help we get from Nikki.  I have a feeling J won't want Nikki to leave EVER!  lol.

The Long Road Home

Some people may or may not know this but for most of my life I grew up in the LDS Church (Mormon).  My family joined the church when Mum met my step dad and they married in 1995 when I was 9.  I was active in the church throughout my childhood,  teens and my early adult life. It has only been in the last few years when my marriage ended that I've not been active.  I was also excommunicated from the church roughly 5 years ago. 

There are times where I go through phases of missing church.  Needing it in my life and feeling like there is more to life than just the everyday hustle and bustle of work and life in general. 

Today I caught the bus from Auckland to Whangarei and I had been telling a few friends I really wanted to sit on my own.  I'd had next to no sleep the last couple of days and in all honesty I couldn't really be bothered having to make conversation with the person next to me.  I was glad when we left the city terminal and began making our way north and no one had sat next to me.  This ride was going to be awesome.  Sitting alone, music in my ears and not a care in the world.

I'm not sure if it was some divine intervention or just pure coincidence but when we'd got to Smales farm for a passenger pick up there waiting were a group of missionaries from the LDS Church.  I wasn't sure who was getting on the bus but the first thought that came to mind was please don't let any of them sit next to me.  As the missionaries got on the bus I watched as 3 Elders moved to the back of the bus and 1 Sister looked around for somewhere to sit.  I don't know why but I felt this impression to ask her to sit with me.  She happily accepted and was thankful that I was able to be her "companion" while we made the trip north. 

We talked non stop from Auckland to Whangarei.  I shared my experiences about church.  Missing it.  My marriage ending.  How I felt life was for me growing up in the church.  I have no idea why I felt like I wanted/needed to confide in her but it really helped to be able to share my thoughts,  fears and feelings with her.  By the time we'd go to Warkworth I was pretty much in tears. Lol.  Sometimes those feelings of the spirit never go away even though there are times when you feel you're not worthy of it. 

I really don't know what my life is going to look like in a years time from now or even what it's going to look like next week.  I do know though that after today and speaking with Sister Soderberg that perhaps what I'm missing in my life is the church and the gospel.  I guess what scares me the most is feeling like the answers I want/need are the ones I'm not yet ready for.  Even though I'm no longer active in the church I've still always believed in the teachings of the Gospel. I just need to have the courage to want to be and do more than what I am doing now. 

I talk about life being too short and not taking chances but is any of what I am doing now really going to make me happy? Do I not want more for myself than what I have now? Do I really have to "settle"  because I feel I don't deserve more? I care about and have feelings for people who sure may have reciprocal feelings but is that enough?  Do I not deserve more? 

It's weird how everything sort of fell into place.  Had I not been suspended from driving and been made to catch the bus home I would not have met Sister Soderberg. I wouldn't have had the chance to discuss my feelings on the church or going back and I wouldn't have the desire to want more for my life.  I can't say I will go back tomorrow or even next week but I do know though that if I want something more that the church is where I need to be.  Perhaps meeting Sister Soderberg was that little push that I needed to get myself in the right frame of mind.  Now I just need to have the courage to take the next time... 

Discharge... Lol.

This morning I was discharged from hospital not as bright an early as usual but I was out of there by around 10pm. I had plans to meet up with a friend over in Epsom but I also needed to hit the supermarket for a couple of things beforehand.  I did all my google maps and Auckland transport bus searches and made plans on what time I needed to be where and how to get there.

Walked from North shore hospital down to Milford shops then back up to Smales farm where I sat for a couple of hours waiting for the bus that would take me to New Market where I would then have to walk a little more to get to Epsom.  Huge mission trying to catch public transport when you're not use to it.  I actually missed the stop I was meant to get off at but the nice driver went around the block and let me off on the other side of the road.  I don't know how I am going to handle the whole suspension thing but those are the consequences of bad actions and choices I made. On the up side it gives me more reason to get out and get more exercise in rather than using the car to go 5 seconds up the road.  Who knows may be by the end of the 28 days I'll be super skinny.  A girl can dream right?  Lol. Apparently I did 14kms of walking though I'm not sure that's right either way I got in a  lot of walking and added to my everyday exercise thing soo that's something.

Have been spending the night with Leanne which has been fun.  We drove all the way from New Market to Papatoetoe to get some dinner and then when Leanne needed to dry her clothes at the laundromat we drove to clover Park lol.  Long night but good to be back here so we can both rest and get some sleep.

Oh and while I was out we got churros I ate 3 before they made me feel sick. Blerk.  Never again.

Court next week for my crazy driving yesterday anddd also thinking of planning a trip to Wellington in a couple weeks time.  Maybe the break away will be good though I'm not sure Nan will appreciate me going away to Wellington again lol.

Not a good day...

Today the day didn't go as planned at all. I did a stupid thing and was over taking a truck in a passing lane and managed to get a speeding ticket on top of an automatic 28 day suspension on my license.  My own silly fault really.  I then had to call around to get people to 1 pick me up and take me to the hospital on top of picking up and taking my car home as I couldn't drive at all.

It was a huge drama and mess and I was late to the hospital for surgery which I called them to advice I would be.  I got to the hospital an hour late which isn't so bad it just meant I had less of a wait time before going in for surgery.

Surgery went well.  Wake up amazingly.  No major issues just drowsy as usual but it went well.  I'm back again in a month so will see how that goes.

Also have to either appear in court on the 13th for my speeding or write in a letter admitting that I was speeding.  I haven't decided what I'll do yet so will see how that all pans out.  Don't speed people it's not worth it and it causes too many accidents and not worth the extra 5 minutes you save if you injure yourself or someone else.  Huge lessons learnt there but totally crazy and scary all at the same time.

Forming Habits

Today I used the rain as my excuse to not want to go out and get some exercise in.  On top of it also being Sunday meaning 'day of rest' I kinda just felt like I didn't want/need to go.  I had spent most of the day in bed binge watching season 2 of Mr. Robot and if it wasn't for Nan needing to go to the supermarket I wouldn't have even got out of my PJs,  that's how lazy I was feeling today.  I knew that if I wanted to make exercise and my health a priority I needed to find the motivation somewhere I just didn't think it would happen, at least not today.

The supermarket was an interesting experience.  Nan really only wanted to go to make sure that J had food to take to LYNKS.  Pretty much most things Nan suggested I said a big fat NO to them.  It actually made me wish that I had someone telling me NO to food instead I have to use my own self control. Which as we all know totally sucks sometimes.  In the end I let Nan pick one treat thing for J to take for lunch lol.  That still didn't stop Nan from telling Papa that I said NO to pretty much every single thing in the supermarket.

No one wanted to cook dinner tonight so we had fish and chips.  Not good for me or J but we don't tend to eat out a lot in our house so I thought why not enjoy it.  Everything in moderation right? You don't want to deprive yourself then end up binging.

I'm not sure if it was the fact that we had gross fish and chips for dinner or not but I got a second wind and decided to take Niko for a walk.  Of course the sun had also come out a little so that helped with getting out there too.  It wasn't a far or fast walk but it was something which is always better than nothing.  Niko enjoys the walks as well because being locked up in the back yard with not a lot of space isn't his favourite place to be.

We are only 2 days into the last quarter of the year and its my goal to blog and exercise everyday this month.  They say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit sooo here's hoping I can keep it up. I know,  I know early days but for me 2 blog posts in a row on top of exercise is a miracle.  I wonder where I'll be at the end of the quarter.  Hopefully looking all hot like Beyonce lol.

Part Time Friends

Sometimes when we least expect it we hear from someone who we'd thought had fallen off the face of the earth.  We all have those people in our lives.  The ones who only ever message when they need something or the ones who only ever want to get in touch when it's convenient for them.  I have had and still do have a few of those people in my life. 

Those so called friends who are there all the time in the beginning and as life gets in the way or busy all of a sudden want nothing to do with you.  They may surprise you and send a random text or two but you're always going to wonder why now.  Why decide to reach out now. 

Last night I heard from someone who I hadn't heard from in a little while.  More importantly from someone who went (and still continues to go) through phases of pushing me away.  Or messaging me every minute of every day for a few days then nothing.  Stupidly,  I'm a sucker for punishment and always end up being on the receiving end of an apology of why they decided they had to back off. Or those texts you get that make you think why couldn't he continue to be THIS guy the one who in the beginning made me laugh or made me feel good about where things were heading.  Or the guy who reached out when he needed actual advice rather than the guy who only reached out   because I was last choice. 

I know I deserve better and to be honest I'll be a friend to this person but as far as something more... I don't know how I feel about it.  I don't trust him enough to feel that if we pursued more he wouldn't push me away.  Or he wouldn't go through phases of ignoring me. 

I know he isn't the only one of my so called friends who only reaches out when they need something or when it's convenient as it's happened a lot.  The sad thing is,  I'm so use to it I just brush it off as if nothing has changed.  I don't hold my breath expecting to hear from them because I know they're not going to reach out. 

I know I don't have many friends and I'm okay with that just sometimes you miss the friends who you wish you could have but don't. 

I suppose the only person who you can really rely on is yourself.  I guess that's why they tell us to love ourselves first.