My Battle

My life is one big huge mess. I feel like any day now everything is going to just collapse down on me.

I met up with my ex husband today and I’ll admit it went a lot better than I thought it would’ve gone. We spent the morning together just talking, it was nice and I missed that about us. He told me he forgave me today which I know would’ve been a huge thing for him. He’s a better person than I am because I don’t know if I would have been able to do the same thing.

Emotionally, I’m not doing ok. I wake up go to work, come home, hang out with my flat mates; then as we all know when it comes time to sleeping I’m awake most of the night talking to friends or playing games on my phone until I’m to tired that I just fall asleep. Its what I do every night. I know it’s not healthy at all but it’s how I’m dealing with everything, or should I say not dealing with everything.

I’m fighting my own battles. A one woman army. Trying to tackle my problems by not really dealing with them is only going to cause me to lose this battle. I know I’ve got people who are helping me to fight this war but I find it so hard to trust and let people in. I know that if I don’t let them in I’m not going to win this race. I need players and I need to be ready to let them in before it all comes crashing down.

Giving Thanks

As most of us know last night (at least in NZ) it was thanksgiving. I was never one to celebrate the holiday so thought why not go along with my new family and see what it was like.

I wasn’t too sure what to expect but I was looking forward to it. Work was busy that day and on top of that we had all been dealing with a few things and I think we were all overdue for some family time.

Dinner was great. We had Turkey, vegetables, home made rolls, gravy; the works it was totally yummo. To top it all of we had pumpkin pie for dessert, oh and pumpkin cake which was yummo too.

As the tradition goes, we all sat down at the table one by one saying what we were thankful for. It was nice to hear all of the things we were all grateful for.

My list of thankfuls were short but right now at this time in my life I’m so truly grateful for friends and family.

It’s been a rough few months and I’m so grateful that I have people in my life who a few months ago were complete strangers to me.

I’m grateful for people who welcomed me into their home when they didn’t know me at all. I’m grateful that I don’t really have to sleep on the couch anymore, but still do for fear of keeping people awake at night lol. I’m grateful for grocery shopping and emailing at work.

I’m grateful for people who are still awake at 3am when I need to talk. For the people who have my back in strange situations lol. I’m grateful for those ones who have said they’d call the NZ FBI if needs be lol. For the people who have watched me go through the motions of my separation and are still there for me. I’m grateful for the friends who send me *hugs* at midnight then call to make sure I’m ok or to just be a listening ear.

I’m so grateful that even though there are times when I feel like I don’t deserve it I have the love and support of people who to be honest, I didn’t think I would be going to. While everyone else walked away I somehow found the strength to pull through it all, to make and find new friends. I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the love and support I am shown from my friends and family.

Finding Closure

Not sure where to start with this post, but right now all I do know is that I’ve done wrong and I’ve done wrong big, that I can admit. I’ve bought pain to someone and I’m sorry for it. That’s all I can be. Like I’ve said, if a million apologies would help I’d be saying it over and over.

I’ve sat back and watched as you put effort into listings things that we once had together. The remarks and comments from you and people were harsh but I left it and felt, if this was the way you needed to deal with what I had done to you then I’d leave it.

You’re depressed. You’re sorrowful. You’re aching inside. I get it. I did that to you. I’ve hurt you in ways no one should ever have to deal with and again I’m sorry.

Please don’t text me early hours of the morning asking for details about my transgressions because, your words, it only makes you hate me more.

You hating me is understandable. Why would you not hate me? But you asking me for details that will only make you hate me more is only going to lead you down a path that I feel you don’t need to go any further down. What good is it knowing the details? Why torture yourself? What exactly do you want? I don’t understand.

Add up all of the sins that I have done in the past, it doesn’t amount to the judgement I received when all hell broke loose and people found out. No one came running to me from our circle of friends to ask if I was ok. It took over a week for someone to make contact and it wasn’t to ask how I was. We’ve fought about it before and yes I can understand that maybe they feel hurt or betrayed. But is it really about them? Like they say, true friends walk in when the rest of the world walks out, and to be honest i feel like you played a small part in those friends walking out.

There isn’t much more to say. You decided what you wanted and I left in respect of that. We are two seperate people now and I shouldn’t have to tell you about my life anymore. I don’t need to know how you are feeling and I really don’t need to dignify any of your questions with an answer. Your questions are like pouring salt into wounds. We both need to look forward and try to move past this hurt. Nothing good comes from looking backwards

If you need to be in this shell of hurt and defenses right now, that’s up to you, and I’m not stopping you from taking all the time you need.

If or when you want to come out of your shell and talk to me, person to person, I’m here. But I’m not going to help you drag yourself down more.

Unsure

I’ve been sitting on an entry a couple of days now deciding whether or not to post it. What would be my reasons for posting it? Would it be out of spite? To vent? Or to just get it off my chest and out of my system. If its the latter, could I not just make the post private?

I’m torn between whether or not I should post it. Nothing in it is hurtful or a lie it’s totally how I feel.

If I start on this ‘journey’ it’ll be a never ending one as I continue to deal with the emotions of being separated and on trying to move on and deal with the motions as they come. Like I said, an emotional roller coaster that isn’t going to stop for me anytime soon.

I know I wouldn’t be posting it knowing that my ex husband reads my blog but at the same time, the entry is about and for him. It’s something I’ve wanted to say to him these past few months but haven’t felt like I could without hurting his feelings.

What to do what to do!

Insomnia (Sort Of) LOL

Most nights before finally falling asleep I spend it on my phone playing games or I’m sending messages back and forth to people.

It’s one of the many things I do to stop thinking. It’s probably wrong because I really should take time to reflect but right now emotionally, I’m just not ready to yet.

I’ll talk, message or play games till I’m literally falling asleep with my phone in my hand. Either that or when my eyes just won’t stay open anymore — like now.

Think that’s my cue to sleep. The things we do so we don’t have to think. Crazy lady lol.

Bumpy Ride

Sometimes I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster that just continuously goes round and round not stopping to let anyone one or off the ride. It’s at times sickening and as much as you want to get off there’s no stopping it, at least not yet. I’ve been on this ride now for the past 3 months. I’ve seen people coming and going, some have been on the ride a mere 30 minutes where others like me have been on it for months. However there are those few who have been on this ride for years, sometimes I wonder how they cope. I guess we all have our way of dealing with the ups and downs of our own emotional roller coaster ride.

The first week was the hardest. I felt like all I could do was cry. My heart was hurting and there wasn’t anything that could help that hurt. I kept myself busy in the day being a “second-mum” to a friend’s baby. It was all I did. My day was filled with nappies, feeding, baby talk, playing, the works; it was all I could do to keep my mind off of everything that was going on. I made sure I was busy. I didn’t want to have to think about what was going on in my life. How the choices and decisions I had made had led me to where I was now.

Nights were/are the hardest for me. Laying there in the dark your mind wonders and you actually have time to think about everything. I guess that’s why most nights I have trouble sleeping.

As the weeks and months have slowly gone by I feel like I’m some what in a better head space. I’m feeling a lot more relaxed and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Granted the way I went about things wasn’t the best way and I know that I hurt a lot of people on the way my ex husband especially. If I could, I’d have done things differently and I’m sorry that I didn’t. There are days when I regret the things I’ve done that have lead me to where I am today and all the apologies in the world just don’t help sometimes but if it did help, I’d apologize a million times over

I know eventually I’ll have to start working on the issues that I have, but until then I’ll keep riding this ride and hopefully the next time it stops I’ll be the one getting off.

Stranger Danger LOL

Yesterday I conversed with a guy about a car. No, not down the dark alley way on K road at least not yet, this time it was on the phone.

We talked shop. What kind of car I wanted and what I needed to take. It wasn’t an awkward conversation but it started to head in that direction when he called me baby. Our conversation progressed further when he offered to drive to Auckland to pick me up then drive me back down to Hamilton to buy a car from him. (Probably in a dark alley way off Victoria Street). I politely turned him down and told him I’d find my own way there. He seemed a bit disappointed but 2 hours of what could potentially be awkward silence just didn’t appeal to me.

Starting New

I really should use this thing more often but I guess I kinda worry about who is reading it.

Actually, that’s a lie, the only person who I really worry about reading is my ex husband.

I really should take my own advise and just say what I want to say because seriously if people don’t want to read what i have to write then they don’t have to follow the link lol.

Recently separated from my Husband for reasons I won’t go into right now I find myself at times a little ‘lost’.

I do feel marrying as young as I did that mentally I had to grow up faster than some of my other friends.

Now that I’m no longer married the friends who are my age are more focused on themselves and what’s going on in their own little worlds. It’s like nothing else matters but them.

When going through a separation and then eventually a divorce it makes you realize who your real friends are. I thought I had the best group of friends anyone could ask for. Girls nights, double dates with our husbands, rugby we all did a lot of things together yet slowly but surely my ‘friends’ just left. It wasn’t that they chose sides I guess as my ex husband puts it, I betrayed and hurt my friends.

I really do miss my group of friends but I’m so grateful now to have new friends. People who actually ask if I’m ok and who laugh at my jokes (out of pity of course lol) but as dumb as the situation is right now with my ex husband I’m glad that I have the support and love from people who 2.5 months ago were complete strangers to me.

I don’t know what’s in store for me yet but for now I’ll just take each day as it comes and think positive.