Going Back To School

 It's been nearly 10 years since I last went to school.  It's all getting a bit crazy and I wonder at times if I will be able to handle and cop with the work load.  Will I be able to survive and get by with being a full time student working part time and keeping on top of the work load that is homework.
I'm waiting to apply for a July intake soo still a little while away.  2014 is going to be a year that is meant for me.  A year to focus on me.  No dramas.  No crazy mess with guys or girls lol. All I can do is move on and do things for me.
Wish me luck in my application. I hope I hear back soon.

Moving On

Told Graham I am moving out the other day.  He didn't take it so well... he said he will miss me but we are on the hunt for a new flatmate for him so we shall see how that goes.  We've had a few people come and look. I'd show you the room BUT my room is filled with clothes. Later perhaps.

So far we've had a gay couple come look, 1 girl and 1 other guy who I don't think he will move in I think Graham and he would have world war III with the things Graham tends to say BUT I could be wrong and he may decide to move in.

Work is the same.  Busy as always. I have 1 more shift and then I am on leave for 2 weeks. Work and FB biggest loser is going ok. Fast 7 weigh in is Sunday and FB weigh in was today... not soo proud of my hardly any weight loss BUT it's better than a gain. This next week will be me pushing myself to get into some exercise while I am northland bound and also keeping up the routine of cleaner eating.

Family arrive in 3 days for Nans birthday reallly looking forward to seeing them. It's been way too long. I'm pretty sure the last time I saw Mum was when they lived in Melbourne.  Ekk. Waayy too long ago and that brings back too many crazy memories that trip.

As January comes to a close it reminds me that 2014 is going to be an awesome fun fantastic filled year and I'm looking forward to the next 11 months.  Things can only get better from here. 

Chat With Me

I was always told growing up that you should be careful with who you talk to online and the kinds of things that are said and what is shared. Now a days though I feel that more people are open to sharing a lot more about themselves than they would have a few years ago.

I know I am definitely one of those share too much talk enough for the both of us. kind of person. 

I have always thought I was an out going sort of person but there are times when I can be quite shy.  I guess for the most part I find it a lot easier to meet and talk to people online whether it be a guy or a girl.. in fact one of my best friends I met online and still haven't met in person... I guess the church and NZ happens to be a small place that we happened to meet while they were living all the way in the US of A and sadly for both of us we are still friends lol.

I try not to think so much when it comes to chatting with people online.  After the whole incident with Steve and how all of that turned out I do my best to take everything more at face value than think too much.  I enjoy meeting and talking to people and if I can make a friend out of an online chat then I am totally going to go for it.  If I happen to find more from an online chat then I am ok with that too.  For now I will spend my free time making new friends and enjoying the crazyness that is the world wide web.

Friends

When J and I were married we moved to Auckland and I moved away from friends and family to a place where I knew no one.  J had been living in Auckland the last little while so already had and knew people who he'd become friends with.

We had been invited around to a families place for games and pizza where we met the Rameka's from then on we all became the best of friends.  J and I moved into the ward where our friends were and we had an instant group of friends where all the husbands did guys night and the girls did girls night along with lunch and all of that.

We really were the best of friends.  We were in each others lives for close to 4/5 years. I loved spending time with them watching their kids grow.  Spending birthdays together... church activities... random games night....dessert night. Pot luck dinners.

I never ever thought we'd lose the friendship but once things went south with J I lost all of those friends. They all decided to choose J's side which I get BUT it makes me sad that the people who I thought were my best of friends are now total strangers.  I don't think we could ever get back to that friendship again and it doesn't help that J is still close friends with them BUT I miss them. I miss hearing about their lives. How their now 1 child has turned into 5 more into our group of friends. I won't lie I still get bitter about it all sometimes and everytime I talk about it it still makes me sad but I hope one day that everything will work out and we can at least be in each others lives in someway but until then I will remember the fun times we had and how much at that time their friendship meant to me. 

The Church

Over the last few weeks with spending as much time as I have been with The Rodings its made me realise that I really do miss The Church.  So much has happened from Thanksgiving to birthdays to Christmas to Sister Rodings farewell it feels as though all of these little things have been popping up in my life for a reason.

I have mixed emotions about going back to church as the ward that I will attend will be a ward in which J and I were in when we first married.  It's also in the same stake.  I know that this doesn't make a difference BUT it makes it that little harder to go.  I have the Rodings though if I do decide to go back.

Another thing that happened was tonight I came across This Blog post and it made me all emotional and sad and realise that everything in that post was so true.  I tried millions of times to repent but I think at the time I just wasn't ready.  I was doing it for J and not for myself.  I don't know if I did or do have a testimony but right now all I know is perhaps its time I start to think about going back to church even if just for sacrament.  Just these past few weeks it's made me really miss the church. I still believe everything the church teaches I just need the courage and strength to be able to go back.

2005

I had been contemplating most of the day about whether or not I wanted to use this as my 2005 RAPhotoADay challenge but why should I feel like I can't write or say how I feel about it all.

For those of you who don't know (though I'm sure you can tell from the photos lol) 2005 was the year J and I got engaged and married all within the space of 3 months. I remember how we met as if it were yesterday but I won't bore you with it.  Instead the long and short of it is met October 2003 became a couple 4 months later.  14 months later just after I turned 19 J had received residency got offered a job and we were engaged.  3 months later July of 2005 we were married.

I really thought it was the starting of our forever but as the years went on and as we continued to fight and I continued to hurt him it just felt like it was a losing battle.

Growing up a member of the church back then I thought that J and I needed to fight it out that we needed to make it work because it was the "right" thing to do.  I thought that we were meant to be forever. I kept hurting him and I guess perhaps we hurt each other.  I think for some parts of our marriage I was being selfish.  Back then I didn't know anything apart from J.  How do I let go of something and feel ok about not having him in my life when he was all I knew? I couldn't imagine my life without him but yet I still kept hurting him over and over.  He didn't deserve anything that happened to him and I'm sorry that it turned sour.

If I knew what I know now I would have gone about things completely different.  I'm not excusing any of my behaviour but (and there is always a but) but I really did have a traumatic first 6 years of my life and from seeing a therapist they're meant to be some of the most important years of your life. Like I said I'm not excusing anything I just wish that I knew what I know now I would have done things differently.  After the first time I think I would have left.  I think I would have had more courage to do what was best and right for me and not what was best for J, everyone or the church.

I tried hard to work on our marriage.  Sure I did stupid thing after stupid thing after stupid thing but back then.... I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know how else to get out of a marriage that I wasn't happy in.  But at the same time I didn't know how to get out of a marriage that I wanted to be in either. I was torn.  I wanted so much for our marriage to work but at the same time I wasn't happy and I made sure to sabotage it in the hopes J would leave.  I hate myself for doing that and I hated what it did to J but what else was I meant to do?  I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to and my friends at the time they were all happy in love kids newly weds.  I wasn't going to open up and talk to them so I turned to strangers. I regret that part of it BUT I guess I felt it was the only thing I could do to feel like someone out there was actually listening.  *sigh* It makes me sad to think about how it all ended sometimes.

2005 for me was a mix of happy sad lonely and all kinds of emotions but it will always be the year that reminds me of a marriage that was meant to be the beginning of our forever and I'm sorry that it wasn't. 

Closing Another Chapter

Last night was one of the best sleeps I'd had in a while.  I guess I needed the closure and didn't know it.  We talked for an hour maybe and explained how we felt about it all.  There were times it was weird but I got through the phone call without feeling so upset about it all. 

I'm glad we decided to talk it out.  I'm not sure how where our friendship will end up but I'm guessing it will be more of a every now and then again friendship where we talk once every blue moon.  I'm ok with that.  I think after last night's conversation it made me realise that I more needed the closure than I needed to have him and the constant communication with him. 

Time to move on in this journey of mine lol. 

Do I Wanna Know

Of course this song happens to show up while I am trying out a new app.  I'm glad though that even though it makes me sad some that it doesn't make me as sad as it could have.