The Long Road Home

Some people may or may not know this but for most of my life I grew up in the LDS Church (Mormon).  My family joined the church when Mum met my step dad and they married in 1995 when I was 9.  I was active in the church throughout my childhood,  teens and my early adult life. It has only been in the last few years when my marriage ended that I've not been active.  I was also excommunicated from the church roughly 5 years ago. 

There are times where I go through phases of missing church.  Needing it in my life and feeling like there is more to life than just the everyday hustle and bustle of work and life in general. 

Today I caught the bus from Auckland to Whangarei and I had been telling a few friends I really wanted to sit on my own.  I'd had next to no sleep the last couple of days and in all honesty I couldn't really be bothered having to make conversation with the person next to me.  I was glad when we left the city terminal and began making our way north and no one had sat next to me.  This ride was going to be awesome.  Sitting alone, music in my ears and not a care in the world.

I'm not sure if it was some divine intervention or just pure coincidence but when we'd got to Smales farm for a passenger pick up there waiting were a group of missionaries from the LDS Church.  I wasn't sure who was getting on the bus but the first thought that came to mind was please don't let any of them sit next to me.  As the missionaries got on the bus I watched as 3 Elders moved to the back of the bus and 1 Sister looked around for somewhere to sit.  I don't know why but I felt this impression to ask her to sit with me.  She happily accepted and was thankful that I was able to be her "companion" while we made the trip north. 

We talked non stop from Auckland to Whangarei.  I shared my experiences about church.  Missing it.  My marriage ending.  How I felt life was for me growing up in the church.  I have no idea why I felt like I wanted/needed to confide in her but it really helped to be able to share my thoughts,  fears and feelings with her.  By the time we'd go to Warkworth I was pretty much in tears. Lol.  Sometimes those feelings of the spirit never go away even though there are times when you feel you're not worthy of it. 

I really don't know what my life is going to look like in a years time from now or even what it's going to look like next week.  I do know though that after today and speaking with Sister Soderberg that perhaps what I'm missing in my life is the church and the gospel.  I guess what scares me the most is feeling like the answers I want/need are the ones I'm not yet ready for.  Even though I'm no longer active in the church I've still always believed in the teachings of the Gospel. I just need to have the courage to want to be and do more than what I am doing now. 

I talk about life being too short and not taking chances but is any of what I am doing now really going to make me happy? Do I not want more for myself than what I have now? Do I really have to "settle"  because I feel I don't deserve more? I care about and have feelings for people who sure may have reciprocal feelings but is that enough?  Do I not deserve more? 

It's weird how everything sort of fell into place.  Had I not been suspended from driving and been made to catch the bus home I would not have met Sister Soderberg. I wouldn't have had the chance to discuss my feelings on the church or going back and I wouldn't have the desire to want more for my life.  I can't say I will go back tomorrow or even next week but I do know though that if I want something more that the church is where I need to be.  Perhaps meeting Sister Soderberg was that little push that I needed to get myself in the right frame of mind.  Now I just need to have the courage to take the next time... 

Discharge... Lol.

This morning I was discharged from hospital not as bright an early as usual but I was out of there by around 10pm. I had plans to meet up with a friend over in Epsom but I also needed to hit the supermarket for a couple of things beforehand.  I did all my google maps and Auckland transport bus searches and made plans on what time I needed to be where and how to get there.

Walked from North shore hospital down to Milford shops then back up to Smales farm where I sat for a couple of hours waiting for the bus that would take me to New Market where I would then have to walk a little more to get to Epsom.  Huge mission trying to catch public transport when you're not use to it.  I actually missed the stop I was meant to get off at but the nice driver went around the block and let me off on the other side of the road.  I don't know how I am going to handle the whole suspension thing but those are the consequences of bad actions and choices I made. On the up side it gives me more reason to get out and get more exercise in rather than using the car to go 5 seconds up the road.  Who knows may be by the end of the 28 days I'll be super skinny.  A girl can dream right?  Lol. Apparently I did 14kms of walking though I'm not sure that's right either way I got in a  lot of walking and added to my everyday exercise thing soo that's something.

Have been spending the night with Leanne which has been fun.  We drove all the way from New Market to Papatoetoe to get some dinner and then when Leanne needed to dry her clothes at the laundromat we drove to clover Park lol.  Long night but good to be back here so we can both rest and get some sleep.

Oh and while I was out we got churros I ate 3 before they made me feel sick. Blerk.  Never again.

Court next week for my crazy driving yesterday anddd also thinking of planning a trip to Wellington in a couple weeks time.  Maybe the break away will be good though I'm not sure Nan will appreciate me going away to Wellington again lol.

Not a good day...

Today the day didn't go as planned at all. I did a stupid thing and was over taking a truck in a passing lane and managed to get a speeding ticket on top of an automatic 28 day suspension on my license.  My own silly fault really.  I then had to call around to get people to 1 pick me up and take me to the hospital on top of picking up and taking my car home as I couldn't drive at all.

It was a huge drama and mess and I was late to the hospital for surgery which I called them to advice I would be.  I got to the hospital an hour late which isn't so bad it just meant I had less of a wait time before going in for surgery.

Surgery went well.  Wake up amazingly.  No major issues just drowsy as usual but it went well.  I'm back again in a month so will see how that goes.

Also have to either appear in court on the 13th for my speeding or write in a letter admitting that I was speeding.  I haven't decided what I'll do yet so will see how that all pans out.  Don't speed people it's not worth it and it causes too many accidents and not worth the extra 5 minutes you save if you injure yourself or someone else.  Huge lessons learnt there but totally crazy and scary all at the same time.

Forming Habits

Today I used the rain as my excuse to not want to go out and get some exercise in.  On top of it also being Sunday meaning 'day of rest' I kinda just felt like I didn't want/need to go.  I had spent most of the day in bed binge watching season 2 of Mr. Robot and if it wasn't for Nan needing to go to the supermarket I wouldn't have even got out of my PJs,  that's how lazy I was feeling today.  I knew that if I wanted to make exercise and my health a priority I needed to find the motivation somewhere I just didn't think it would happen, at least not today.

The supermarket was an interesting experience.  Nan really only wanted to go to make sure that J had food to take to LYNKS.  Pretty much most things Nan suggested I said a big fat NO to them.  It actually made me wish that I had someone telling me NO to food instead I have to use my own self control. Which as we all know totally sucks sometimes.  In the end I let Nan pick one treat thing for J to take for lunch lol.  That still didn't stop Nan from telling Papa that I said NO to pretty much every single thing in the supermarket.

No one wanted to cook dinner tonight so we had fish and chips.  Not good for me or J but we don't tend to eat out a lot in our house so I thought why not enjoy it.  Everything in moderation right? You don't want to deprive yourself then end up binging.

I'm not sure if it was the fact that we had gross fish and chips for dinner or not but I got a second wind and decided to take Niko for a walk.  Of course the sun had also come out a little so that helped with getting out there too.  It wasn't a far or fast walk but it was something which is always better than nothing.  Niko enjoys the walks as well because being locked up in the back yard with not a lot of space isn't his favourite place to be.

We are only 2 days into the last quarter of the year and its my goal to blog and exercise everyday this month.  They say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit sooo here's hoping I can keep it up. I know,  I know early days but for me 2 blog posts in a row on top of exercise is a miracle.  I wonder where I'll be at the end of the quarter.  Hopefully looking all hot like Beyonce lol.

Part Time Friends

Sometimes when we least expect it we hear from someone who we'd thought had fallen off the face of the earth.  We all have those people in our lives.  The ones who only ever message when they need something or the ones who only ever want to get in touch when it's convenient for them.  I have had and still do have a few of those people in my life. 

Those so called friends who are there all the time in the beginning and as life gets in the way or busy all of a sudden want nothing to do with you.  They may surprise you and send a random text or two but you're always going to wonder why now.  Why decide to reach out now. 

Last night I heard from someone who I hadn't heard from in a little while.  More importantly from someone who went (and still continues to go) through phases of pushing me away.  Or messaging me every minute of every day for a few days then nothing.  Stupidly,  I'm a sucker for punishment and always end up being on the receiving end of an apology of why they decided they had to back off. Or those texts you get that make you think why couldn't he continue to be THIS guy the one who in the beginning made me laugh or made me feel good about where things were heading.  Or the guy who reached out when he needed actual advice rather than the guy who only reached out   because I was last choice. 

I know I deserve better and to be honest I'll be a friend to this person but as far as something more... I don't know how I feel about it.  I don't trust him enough to feel that if we pursued more he wouldn't push me away.  Or he wouldn't go through phases of ignoring me. 

I know he isn't the only one of my so called friends who only reaches out when they need something or when it's convenient as it's happened a lot.  The sad thing is,  I'm so use to it I just brush it off as if nothing has changed.  I don't hold my breath expecting to hear from them because I know they're not going to reach out. 

I know I don't have many friends and I'm okay with that just sometimes you miss the friends who you wish you could have but don't. 

I suppose the only person who you can really rely on is yourself.  I guess that's why they tell us to love ourselves first. 

Bob Hair Roadtrip

One of the two things I love about going on road trips with J is that she LOVES to blast music super loud and dance like nobody's watching.  Even if the people in the cars next to us are watching.  She doesn't care.  I don't care and we both have fun just dancing and singing as flat as we can.  Well in my case super breathy can only get 2 words out before I'm out of breath lol.  The other thing is she feels so special wanting to pay for EVERYTHING for everyone.  She must think she has unlimited money in her account.  I think her mum would beg to differ.  Lol. She is such an amazing generous person and I'm so lucky to have her in my life 24/7 even if sometimes she gets mad at me and wants to call her mum to tell on me lol. 

We had an amazing time away and so glad we were able to spend the night with Leanne and eat way too much junk food. Chinese was good.  Sorry Aunty Sharron.  Lol.  Road trips are meant for food and loud music at least we passed on the alcohol. Hehe. 

This morning we drove into town where J gets her hair done (she calls it Bob hair like Bob Marley) and patiently waited for Sam to arrive.  She loves Sam though she doesn't love getting her hair done because it hurts.  She also made me stand with her the whole 40 minutes we were there.  Lucky I love her. 

When we were done with her hair we stopped in at Albany mall and had tank for lunch.  Also managed to lose the car keys but luckily we only went to 3 places so I back tracked to the 2 food places we went to before going to information where someone had handed them in.  Nearly had a mini heart attack. 

Tonight we are at dinner with Js Poppa at the bowling club and having fun together.  We are so lucky that we get to spend time with him and I know that J loves being here.  Secretly,  I think she just loves the food lol. 

Busy couple days but home for the weekend before heading to Auckland again Monday for surgey then a night with a friend Tuesday and home again Wednesday.  It wasn't a very smart thing for me to go to Auckland twice in a couple days but J needed her hair done and I had an amazing time away with her.  We need to do more road trips together I'm thinking. 

Where to next...

Trachy Study

A couple weeks ago I received a phone call from Auckland DHB ORL team wanting to know if I would be interested in participating in a trachy study.  It wasn't anything big but I thought the least I could do was participate in the hopes it helps other people. 

The study was broken down into 2 sections.  The first one being a face to face interview where they asked question on how I dealt with the trachy.  How it affected my life.  Did I feel I got enough information when I got the trachy or left the hospital.  I really enjoyed it and even though I had only just had surgery the day before I still managed to talk and share how I felt having a trachy had affected my life.  Or even enhanced my life. 

The second part of the study was last week where they had a design work shop and everything was related to the design of the trachy.  And how we could get more information from a personalised website. I loved the design side of it.  It was a personalised website based on the type of trachy you have and what sort of information you were after.  Mostly they wanted to see what information was missing from the site.  What needed to be added.  Taken out.  It was great. 

The other side of the design aspect was the way the trachy looked and if there were things that we felt needed to be changed.  For me personally I wouldn't have changed much aside from how far out the trachy protrudes but other than that I was and am happy with the current design.  The design student who is doing her honours had made different types of designs using a 3D printer.  She also had made different types of straps which all were awesome.  I wish I had taken a photo but I was too excited to check out the new designs lol. 

I loved being able to go and participate in the workshop and know that what information I provided based on my own experiences would hopefully help other people who have trachys or for those who have family that need trachys. 

I gave my email address to the students in case they wanted more info as the workshop was only done that one time. 

As much as i am over having a trachy I'm still so grateful that I have it as it helps me to breath.  I'm also grateful that there are people who are willing to study and work towards helping others with information and different designs. 

Surgery Galore

For the last month and a bit I've been traveling to Auckland every 2 weeks for surgery with another lot coming up again October 3rd.

Things are slowly progressing to a better end result but we've also had to deal with a lot of complications along the way too. 

When we first did the flap surgery back at the beginning of August all went well.  It was a 3 hours surgery,  I spent 3 hours in recovery but all went well.  I spent 4 days in hospital before being discharged home however I was back in hospital a few days later where an NG tube was also inserted as I was having difficulty eating and swallowing.  After a week the tube was out.  I was able to eat albeit soft foods and was booked in again for more surgery. 

Since that last major surgery I've since had a couple more.  Most have involved steroid injections, checking of the flap along with lasering any granulation that has formed.  The clips had also come away from one side of the flap so last week we went back in where they used some glue to glue the flap down.  The flap is looking healthy and amazing and we have high hopes that if all goes with with it and that we can get it to stay we can look at talk about trying to decannulate.  At the moment it's sort of a waiting game to see how the flap heals and to go from there. 

My surgeon did also say we've run the course of doing surgery endoscopicly soo anymore surgery we do will all be done externally.  It's more healing time and more time in hospital but I'm feeling rather good about the whole being able to discuss and talk about getting the trachy out. 

There are a lot of downfalls about hospital and one of those is the food.  It's not good at all.  Lol.  Wait I lie,  the jelly and ice cream is good but for the most part it's gross.  I always go to the supermarket before hand and make sure I've got food on me so I don't have to eat the 'amazing'  hospital food.  I've been quite lucky as a few times I've had a friend bring food for me soo that's always awesome. 

Another downfall about hospital,  though it's more of a me thing is having to be 'sharp scratched'  allll the time.  I have no idea why they say sharp scratch as they're about to stab you with a needle but they all like to say it.  I don't have good veins but my veins aren't bad either.  They're great until you stab me with a needle then they run away.  Hence the million holes I end up with in my arms when they're trying to get a line in. 

Even though I don't know what it's going to look like just yet I'm super excited about what the future is going to look like.  To be honest I don't think I'll know who I am without a trachy and I'll probably still be the block the trachy when I talk person for a while.  I know it's still early days but like I said,  I have high hopes.  Things can only get better.