Self Confidence

Sooo this is ME!

 

 

For over a year now I've been dealing and living life with a trachy.  I've had multiple surgeries in the hopes of eventually getting the trachy out. 

Recovery hasn't always been easy in fact there have been times where it's been so rough I've had to go back to hospital a few times. 

I'm so grateful to the Nurses, Doctors,  my surgeon and the amazing family and friends I have that support me and help get me through life as I deal with the ongoing issues we have from having the trachy and multiple surgeries.

One of the things I know I lack since getting the trachy is self confidence.  Don't get me wrong I'm totally grateful,  lucky and blessed to be alive and to be here but there are times when (even though I know better) that I struggle with the whole... People are going to judge me or stare at me mentality.  It has stopped me from doing a lot of things this past year and even though I say if people can't accept me as I am then I don't need them in my life it's easier said than done. 

Over this past year I've also signed up for multiple work from home opportunities thinking... I'll just use social media to get me through because I was always too insecure too go out and do something more.  Eventually I stopped with them mostly because of insecurities and also to do with the company not working out.  A few months back I tried another product.  Not to sell it or even to do as a business but mostly because I loved the reviews and information I had read about the company.  With life being hectic, the big move to Whangarei and multiple hospital visits I stopped taking the product. 

It wasn't until my last hospital visit and something that I saw on a FB live video that made me realise that...  Life is way too short. I know we can't always hope,  want or expect life to go to a plan.  There is no plan.  I've spent so much of this last year afraid to do things because I 'cared'  what people thought about me and the trachy.  Would they laugh at me? Would they judge me? Would they stare? But seriously Why should their opinion matter?  If I'm happy and 99.9% of the time I am why should I even care what people think?  Why should I let people's opinions or thoughts on how I look or what I do stop me from being me or stop me from sharing a business opportunity or even think about going to school? 

If I've learnt anything it's that life really is way too short.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring in fact we're not even guaranteed a tomorrow.  Live everyday as if it were your last.  Take a chance.  Take risks.  Don't be afraid to do more.  Who cares what people think. Don't let anyone make you feel like their opinion matters.  If you're happy that's the most important thing.  

Now go out there and be awesome who really cares what people think.... !

Social Media

I've been sitting on this post for the last little while wondering whether or not to post it.  End of the day I came to the realisation that I blog for me and not for anyone else.

I will be the first to admit I am on my phone all the time.  It's with me 24/7 and unless I am with family/friends etc I keep my phone out of site and focus on the people I am with.  There has been the odd few times when I have been with friends and I have used my phone but for the most part I always try to be engaged in what is going on in front of me rather than on some 5 inch screen filled with strangers.

As much as I love screen/phone time I would much rather spend time with people I love and care about.  It does make it harder when sometimes the people you are with are just as addicted to their phones and their "social media"  life as you are that if anyone was to take a photo it would be one of very antisocial people faces in their phones sending a tweet,  doing a FB status update,  posting to instagram or even sending a snap chat.

I'm not judging anyone at all I guess these last few weeks it's made me realise what is and who is important to me.  It also to some degree makes me sad.  So much of what we share of our lives is broadcasted to social media.  Whether it's Facebook,  Twitter or Instagram.  I know I am guilty of doing that but (and there is always a but) at the same time I also still call friends/family (at least the ones I know who care and want to know)  to let them know what is going on with and for me.  I find it sad that if I want to know what is happening with family or friends that I have to go to social media and what gets me the most is that even when you do reach out you seem to go unnoticed.

I have had people come and go in my life both friends and family and even strangers who some have been amazing.  Some share with me.  Some let me share but end of the day for the most part the only people I've come to realise who you can rely on the most is family.  Family will always be there for you.  Whether it's immediate,  distant,  step they won't ever go anywhere.  I'm so grateful that for all the people who come and go in my life that the one thing that has always been constant for me is my family.  Don't get me wrong I have a couple of friends who have been there for me but end of the day my family will always be there.

I guess in sharing this post I wanted to send the message that,  yes social media is great and if used for positive reasons and influence it can be amazing.  I totally get that sharing your life with the hundreds or even thousands of followers can be fun and rewarding,  it's part of why I blog but at the same time I guess it's good to also remember that life doesn't always have to be a 'competition' of who can get the most likes,  retweets,  or even have the most followers.

Life is about living and enjoying the time we have with the people we love. I'm not saying social media is bad and I know for the most part the people we follow/talk to etc on social media are also people we know in real life so I know it has its benefits.  I guess at times we choose social media friends/family over the more 'real friends/family'.

If I have learnt anything it's that you don't always need to be on your phone.  There isn't anything wrong with taking time out and just switching off.  Living in the wops this last year with next to no service it's made me realise that I don't NEED my phone as much as I thought I did.

Time to take a step back from social media platforms for a bit I think.  If people really want to reach me they can do it the old fashioned way.  Call me.

Friendzoned

It's a strange feeling when you've been talking with someone for so long sharing so much that when you end up being friendzoned that you realise your feelings are a lot more than that of friendship. 

There were times where I thought perhaps things had the potential for more but at the same time he was/is going through something where I thought he wasn't ready to date so never said anything.  This past week however he's dated,  talked to girls with the potential for more and here I am in the friendzone.  Don't get me wrong,  he's an awesome friend and we've got close but never before have I had to experience the whole 'we've shared so much we just friendzoned each other'.  I'm aware that it happens and in my short lived 30 years this is the first time it's happened. 

I'm not sure if I feel sad,  happy or hurt but right in this moment I know I would rather have him as a friend than nothing at all.  I guess it's weird. The one time I actually talk to a guy, it's all platonic and we end up in the friendzone. 

To be honest,  I don't know how any of it  will turn out but for now I will step back and just focus on my weekend away with Aunty Sharron and just enjoy being with family.  I guess like they say,  sometimes you fall for the people you least expect. 

Life With A Trachy

When I first moved back to the far north I wasn't looking forward to it at all. Don't get me wrong I was grateful that for the interim I had a place to come to and that my grandparents were okay with taking me on for who knows how long. In the space of a couple of a month my whole life had pretty much changed. I went from having my own home, starting a brand new job that I worked had to get, a relationship that even though at the time it was a bit rocky it was still a relationship none the less, an amazing nanny job with a family that I loved to pretty much having to give it all up. I felt sorry for myself and I hated that in such a short time my whole world had done a full 360 and my life was about to change. Over the next couple of months as much as I loved being here with my grandparents and being able to spend time with them at the same time I missed the life I had before I got sick. I missed the normality and routine of what my life was and what I was so use too. Now though I sat here dealing with the whole not working, not having friends around, the relationship I was in ended, trying to hurry the hospital along to get this trachy out because to be honest I was over it. I was done and I just wanted it to all be over and done with. Fast forward to today and I'm in a much better head space than I was when I first got here. I have LOVED being here with my grandparents. I've got use to having the trachy. I don't feel sorry for myself and even though I miss work and friends I'm grateful that I still have people and friends who keep in touch. My life isn't the same as it was 10 months ago but at the end of the day I'm alive, I can breath, I have a home and there are so many things I can and am grateful for. I have seen more family these last few months than I have done in my entire life. Family who I hardly ever saw unless there was a funeral. Life really has been great. I've even had the opportunity to travel to Wellington a few times.

I use to be insecure about the trachy or worry about what people thought. To some degree I still feel a bit insecure about it but for the most part if people ask I am happy to tell them why I have a trachy and once they know they don't tend to ask anything more. Then there are the children who stare but generally a lot of people hardly ever notice I think it's my own insecurities that make me thing people only ever see the trachy when they look at me.

In the space of 10 months I've had 5 lots of surgery and every surgery even though I always have high hopes of it being successful to the point of where the trachy will come out it unfortunately hasn't come to that yet. That's not to say that things haven't improved because they have. The surgeries I had where steroids were injected directly into the scar tissue and done every 2 weeks for 3 sessions has really helped with the scar tissue. I am also on 15mg of methotrexate which I take every week as well as folic acid which when speaking with my surgeon she has said that on top of the injections as well as the methotrexate has really helped with the scar tissue growing back.

Last week I had a follow up appointment with Jacqui and in a month's time we will be going in for more surgery. Even though the scar tissue isn't growing back my vocal cords still remain incomplete so there is no active abduction on either side. You can see them trying to abduct but nothing happens. The surgery Jacqui will do will be a posterior glottis interposition flap. Don't ask me what it is but basically she'll chop a flap, fold it over and hope that that gives me more room for air to get in and then we will slowly discuss and talk about decannulation. At the moment the gap isn't big enough for me to have the trachy out but I am hoping fingers crossed that this next surgery will be the last one we have and then we can go from there.

Life is slowly looking up and even though it's nearly been a year I'm grateful that I have the support I need to get me through all of this. That I'm here, alive and can breath. Things could be so much worse. All I can do is stay positive and hope for the best.

Never Chase Love, Affection, Or Attention....

"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having..."

This is something that I've been struggling with the last few days (weeks).  I'm tired of being the person who always has to make the effort.  I've had people come and go in my life and I totally get that everyone has their own life and their own battles that they're dealing with but (and there's always a but) why am I always the person who has to make the effort.  Is it too much to ask that for once someone goes out of their way to ask how I'm doing?  In almost every relationship I've had in my life whether it's been platonic or romantic I have always been the person that makes the effort.  It hurts but I guess I have got so use to it that to some degree it's "normal".

Don't get me wrong not every relationship has been like that.  I can count on one hand the people who are in my life and have been in my life these several years who ALWAYS check up on me.  One is someone I met online way back when and has been with me through every bad, happy, great, sad, amazing and pretty much all the ups and downs in my life.  The other is someone who to be honest I least expected.  We met a few years back and for the most part, our relationship was that of one with benefits.  I never expected it would ever get to anything more and it hasn't but he's been an amazing friend when I have needed someone to talk to and even though his life is busy he still finds time to check in and see how I am doing.  There are a handful of other people as well but they're not around as much as I thought they would/should/could be.

I use to think that it was okay to always be the person who would chase after people. Arranging dates, lunches, catch ups or even just a quick text to see how someone was/is doing and even though I struggle with the whole wanting and always needing to be that person who makes the effort I know that it's not okay.  I shouldn't have to make "excuses" as to why someone hasn't messaged, checked in or asked how I'm doing.  I don't always have to be the nice guy (girl).

I have a friend who always made it his thing of saying that he doesn't appreciate people who only ever want to spend time with him when he's made the effort, or who only ever message/text him when they need something.  The funny thing is he does the exact same thing to me. It's like why go on about people not wanting to spend time with you or going out of their way for you when when it comes to our friendship it's okay for it to be one sided?  Or another friend who even though he seems to like and enjoy my company the communication is pretty much non existent now.  I guess people seem to think it's okay to have double standards.

So much has happened recently that it's made me realise that I need to be stronger and not feel bad or guilty for not being there for people who aren't there for me.  Life is way too short to worry about what other people think of you and to wonder if so and so is thinking about me. If they are, they'll let you know and if not then you're not a priority to them.  That doesn't mean you're not important it just means, that person is missing out on the awesome that is you.

Birthday Eve

I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place but I'm well over due for an update sooo here goes. It's crazy to think that in a few hours I will be the big 30! If I'm being honest I'm not really looking forward to it and I guess at the same time I'm disappointed that I'm not where I was 'supposed' to be.

When I pictured my life at 30 I never imagined it would have lead me to here. I should have been married going on 11 years. I should have had a kid or four. I should have been celebrating with my best friends and their husbands. I should have been having cake that my husband made with the kids. I shouldn't be here this isn't what it was meant to be like.

Unfortunately, life doesn't always end up the way we think it "should" have been but that's not to say my life is over because I'm not where I should be at 30. Yes I'm 30 tomorrow and yes these last few years, particularly these last 9 months have been a wild rollercoaster ride but I wouldn't change any of it. Sure I've gone through a failed marriage, a handful of failed relationships, heartbreak , a loss of a friend(s), family members, my working life, my health, my independence to some degree but are all of these things really THAT bad?

Some would say I've been through a lot in these first 30 years of my life where as some would say 'Is that it?' For me personally, I totally get that I've been through a lot in 30 years but at the same time I can also recognise that I'm here, I'm alive, I have family and those few friends who care about me. I have a home that I can call mine even if it is with my grandparents. I have a puppy that even though she drives me insane that I totally love. It's a huge struggle for me not working and there are times when I'm over the whole living in the middle of nowhere.

 I guess the circumstances that have lead me to where I am right now and how I feel about my life there is no place I would rather be than here with my grandparents in the middle of nowhere no man's land. With turning 30 I'd like to think that I'm a lot more wiser. My teens were hard. First loves. An engagement. A wedding. Leaving school. New friendships. Relationships. Heartbreak. Sexual abuse. Church. Family. New loves.

Then there's my 20s. I was newly married and divorced all within the space of 6 years. Court proceedings for the sexual abuse. Loss of friends. A failed marriage. Family members passing. Failed relationships amongst a whole mix of other things. What I can say though is that I can look back on my 20s and remember all of the things that I have learned. The mistakes I've made. The people I've hurt. The ups and down. The whole trying to find myself again and knowing that I will never have to experience any of those things again.

Now as I head into my 30s and even though I'm in limbo right now for me to be able to say that I’ve lived this many years, been through everything I have and done all of the things I have done makes me feel even more excited to see what the future holds.

Wellington

Wellington here we come!  11 days in the capital.  All sorts of things could happen! 

Surgery

This morning I got a call from the Hospital to say that surgery is all booked in starting 7th March. It will be done every 2 weeks for 4 sessions.  So I will be making several trips to Auckland. I'm glad at least that I am only going to North Shore but am really hoping that this surgery makes a difference.

Jacqui will be injecting steroids directly into the scar tissue that is joining my vocal cords together.  We are hoping that with doing this it stops the scarring from joining everything back together. I will also be given some medication that helps with this as well.

There are days I am totally over all of my surgery but then there are days where I am happy and loving live here in the far north though if I'm being honest I am missing work and the socialising that goes with working so hopefully this surgery is a success and I can progress and move on with my life... though I'm still torn between living here and living in Australia.  First things first though get everything fixed and sorted with surgery.