Birthday Eve

I have a feeling this post is going to be all over the place but I'm well over due for an update sooo here goes. It's crazy to think that in a few hours I will be the big 30! If I'm being honest I'm not really looking forward to it and I guess at the same time I'm disappointed that I'm not where I was 'supposed' to be.

When I pictured my life at 30 I never imagined it would have lead me to here. I should have been married going on 11 years. I should have had a kid or four. I should have been celebrating with my best friends and their husbands. I should have been having cake that my husband made with the kids. I shouldn't be here this isn't what it was meant to be like.

Unfortunately, life doesn't always end up the way we think it "should" have been but that's not to say my life is over because I'm not where I should be at 30. Yes I'm 30 tomorrow and yes these last few years, particularly these last 9 months have been a wild rollercoaster ride but I wouldn't change any of it. Sure I've gone through a failed marriage, a handful of failed relationships, heartbreak , a loss of a friend(s), family members, my working life, my health, my independence to some degree but are all of these things really THAT bad?

Some would say I've been through a lot in these first 30 years of my life where as some would say 'Is that it?' For me personally, I totally get that I've been through a lot in 30 years but at the same time I can also recognise that I'm here, I'm alive, I have family and those few friends who care about me. I have a home that I can call mine even if it is with my grandparents. I have a puppy that even though she drives me insane that I totally love. It's a huge struggle for me not working and there are times when I'm over the whole living in the middle of nowhere.

 I guess the circumstances that have lead me to where I am right now and how I feel about my life there is no place I would rather be than here with my grandparents in the middle of nowhere no man's land. With turning 30 I'd like to think that I'm a lot more wiser. My teens were hard. First loves. An engagement. A wedding. Leaving school. New friendships. Relationships. Heartbreak. Sexual abuse. Church. Family. New loves.

Then there's my 20s. I was newly married and divorced all within the space of 6 years. Court proceedings for the sexual abuse. Loss of friends. A failed marriage. Family members passing. Failed relationships amongst a whole mix of other things. What I can say though is that I can look back on my 20s and remember all of the things that I have learned. The mistakes I've made. The people I've hurt. The ups and down. The whole trying to find myself again and knowing that I will never have to experience any of those things again.

Now as I head into my 30s and even though I'm in limbo right now for me to be able to say that I’ve lived this many years, been through everything I have and done all of the things I have done makes me feel even more excited to see what the future holds.