Your Life Your Call

Sometimes I wonder why I ask questions when I know the answer is going to hurt me.  Do I enjoy being reminded that he hurt me the way that he did?  Do I enjoy knowing that he couldn't care less how much he hurt me and only cared about himself.  Perhaps I'm just a sucker for punishment.  

I think what I struggle with the most and it's not even that we aren't together. 

I think it's more I struggle with the fact that he all of a sudden decided he didn't feel anything anymore.  Never mind about how I felt just made sure to ignore me treat me like crap and then expect me to get over it on my own.

par The relationsship part of us I'm over it just the whole lead up to it all then the way it all ended is what I struggle with getting my head around some days.  

It's still early into 2014 and even though  I've said it before this year really is going to be a better year for me.  Work is going well.  Health is starting to get better both with myself and with the eating. 

Relationship wise as sad as I get some times I'm so much happier to be alone than to be in a relationship I'm unhappy in.  After everything I've been through I'm ok to wait it out and I'm patient enough too.  

Besides isn't there some sort of saying like "Good things come to those who wait?" 

Shifting Weight

Sooo we started a work biggest loser a little under 12 weeks ago.

The first few weeks I did amazingly.  My eating was great I was getting in the exercise and working on drinking more water. 

I moved a couple weeks ago and my eating pretty much went down hill. 

Bad food.  No exercise.  Too much alcohol. Lol.

This week is a new week to focus on me and as I type this I'm working and eating muesli with almond milk and 2 tspns of Greek yoghurt. 

Will go for a walk later this evening and hopefully get in some weight training with the weights sitting under my bed that are collecting dust.

Totally need to get back into it.

Hotter healthier happier me.  Here I come.

Sunday Not So Funday

Police chopper was flying over our place till 1am this morning not good when you have a 5am wake up call. 

Had a crap start to my day with some idiot who thought it would be awesome to follow me through to the service station knowing I couldn't move my car forward he decided to get out of his car ask me to move my car because for some reason he wasn't able to move his car to one of the 6 other pumps on either side of us.  Idiot.

Work sucked too.  Slow as a mofo but I got through around 4 epsiodes of The Blacklist totally loving the show everyone needs to watch it.

Home to meal prep for work for the next few days then onto dinner and now I'm sitting in front of the TV stuffing my face with a peanut slab.  Tomorrow I am back onto cleaner heathier eating. 

Lets do this!

Birthdays & Mormons

Happy birthday firstly to one of the coolest chicks I know.  She's always been there for me whenever I've needed a friend, a crying shoulder at 2am, an opinion and even offering an I told you so when it was needed.  I'm grateful to have had her in my life these however many freaking years so thanks for being a great friend and I hope today has been a great day despite everything else :)

Another happy birthday shout out to my Hector (my step dad) who stepped into an instant family of 3 kids when we were young and who has always been a Dad figure in my life and even though we're not close I'm grateful to him mostly for introducing our family to the church.  Even though not a lot of us often or at all it's one of the things I will be forever grateful to him for so Happy Birthday old man. :)

I've talked a few times now about how I miss the church and how I feel like it's time to go back. I've spent the last 2.5 years away from church and doing things I know I shouldn't or the things I probably should have done as a teenager.  I moved to a new area a couple weeks ago which meant a new stake, a new ward and somewhere where no one would know what happened with J and I.  As luck would have it I guess you can call it the Elders happened to be in my area.  My flatmate came to my room and was all "The Mormons are here" so I went out to see them. We talked a while and I gave them a quick run down of my life then we made an appointment for them to come over sometime next week.  I don't know if it was coincidence or not but I'm really glad that they happened to be in my area even if they were looking for someone else.  We shall see how all of this pans out but right now I do feel like it's time for me to go back to church and get my life all in order.

Confident

I've never been the biggest fan of his but I'm really liking this song at the moment!

We Had A Promise Made, We Were In Love

It couldn't have been a more perfect day. Friday 28th February 2014. I spent the morning with the bride to be - Raya,  her bridesmaid - Mel and the cute flower girl Emma.  It was a fantastic amazing morning getting our hair and make up done and enjoying croissants with Ham and Cheese, a few bubbles some snacks and of course chocolate.

It was now time to head off to the venue I needed to help set up a few things for Raya so off I went while the girls finished getting ready.  The reception and wedding were held at butterfly creek I'd never been before but it's def an amazing place to have a wedding at.

As it is tradition the bride was around 30 minutes late but that's ok she looked gorgeous and so did Mel and Emma and especially the gorgeous grandma flower girl. It was hard to hold back tears as I watched Raya walk down the isle with her Dad towards Mike.  It really was an amazing day.

After it was all legal tegal we all got to sit enjoy the reception the speeches the company the photo booths the family photos and dance the night away before we all caught a taxi to our hotel for more partying until we finally crashed out at 2am.

Such an amazing day and I'm so grateful to have met Suraya and Mike and to have been able to celebrate their day with them.  I love you guys to infinity and beyond. :)

It's All Over Before It Started

I knew going in that it was going to be crazy and boy was I right!  After 10 days I decided to give up on him and the crazy idea of him trying to push me into something I wasn't ready for. 

For some reason he couldn't get through his head that after all of the things I've been through I didn't want to rush.  He didn't listen at all.  It was all about him and how he wanted the relationship regardless of my feelings.

The final straw came today though where the conversation went something like this:

Him: Are you not talking to me today?
Me: Not really I need a break. I've told you before I don't want to rush and you only seem to care that I'm not interested because I don't want to meet.
Him: Ok I will give you one last chance. Meet me tonight.
Me:  Are you kidding me?!? What part of don't rush me did you not get??
BLOCKED! 

I'm glad I found out the kind of guy he was.  Imagine what it would have been like if things ever progressed.  Crazy!

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

For those of you who read regularly you will know I've had my ups and downs when it comes to dating and relationships.  From Jared to Martin, then along came Steve and mostly recently Joseph. I've had a fair few thrown in between the mix of that but most of it always ended up in heartbreak or something that just wasn't worth mentioning.

A couple months back I decided to give online dating another shot. As much as I didn't think I was ready to move on from the whole getting hurt time and time again the least I could do was give it a try.

There have been a few people here and there who send messages but nothing more has eventuated from it at least not until the last week and a bit.

I had received a message from a guy who seemed genuine and nice enough and his profile seemed to match the kind of person I'd consider dating.  We spent the next few days after I guess trying to get to know one another which went awesomely and fantastically.  As always I'm more careful with what I share because after everything I've been through why wouldn't I be more careful?

The last few days however have been a bit of a crazy roller coaster of emotions.  We spent our Friday "arguing" it out about why I had not made plans to meet with him the previous night as I said I had plans which I did but they fell through. I didn't/don't get why he can't see where I'm coming from and I guess to him it doesn't make sense either.   All I want is for him to go slow?  Is it so hard to ask that of him and have him be ok with it all?  Yes I get that it's probably crazy and weird but do you blame me after all of that bad crap that I've had to go through?  I really do get where he's coming from and I don't blame him I just... I guess I struggle some.

I know not all guys are the same and it's not fair of me to expect some guy to just wait forever while I sort through my issues I just wish I didn't feel so confused or conflicted about it all.  I'm not saying I won't give him a chance I just feel like it's a lets meet now get to know each other in person now or it's a nothing... I'm pretty sure it's not like that but it's how I feel.

Perhaps talking it out tonight will help.  All I know is I can't wait for the day to be over so I can move past all the crap.  Here is hoping the kids will make for a great afternoon of fun together.