Going Back To School

 It's been nearly 10 years since I last went to school.  It's all getting a bit crazy and I wonder at times if I will be able to handle and cop with the work load.  Will I be able to survive and get by with being a full time student working part time and keeping on top of the work load that is homework.
I'm waiting to apply for a July intake soo still a little while away.  2014 is going to be a year that is meant for me.  A year to focus on me.  No dramas.  No crazy mess with guys or girls lol. All I can do is move on and do things for me.
Wish me luck in my application. I hope I hear back soon.

Moving On

Told Graham I am moving out the other day.  He didn't take it so well... he said he will miss me but we are on the hunt for a new flatmate for him so we shall see how that goes.  We've had a few people come and look. I'd show you the room BUT my room is filled with clothes. Later perhaps.

So far we've had a gay couple come look, 1 girl and 1 other guy who I don't think he will move in I think Graham and he would have world war III with the things Graham tends to say BUT I could be wrong and he may decide to move in.

Work is the same.  Busy as always. I have 1 more shift and then I am on leave for 2 weeks. Work and FB biggest loser is going ok. Fast 7 weigh in is Sunday and FB weigh in was today... not soo proud of my hardly any weight loss BUT it's better than a gain. This next week will be me pushing myself to get into some exercise while I am northland bound and also keeping up the routine of cleaner eating.

Family arrive in 3 days for Nans birthday reallly looking forward to seeing them. It's been way too long. I'm pretty sure the last time I saw Mum was when they lived in Melbourne.  Ekk. Waayy too long ago and that brings back too many crazy memories that trip.

As January comes to a close it reminds me that 2014 is going to be an awesome fun fantastic filled year and I'm looking forward to the next 11 months.  Things can only get better from here. 

Chat With Me

I was always told growing up that you should be careful with who you talk to online and the kinds of things that are said and what is shared. Now a days though I feel that more people are open to sharing a lot more about themselves than they would have a few years ago.

I know I am definitely one of those share too much talk enough for the both of us. kind of person. 

I have always thought I was an out going sort of person but there are times when I can be quite shy.  I guess for the most part I find it a lot easier to meet and talk to people online whether it be a guy or a girl.. in fact one of my best friends I met online and still haven't met in person... I guess the church and NZ happens to be a small place that we happened to meet while they were living all the way in the US of A and sadly for both of us we are still friends lol.

I try not to think so much when it comes to chatting with people online.  After the whole incident with Steve and how all of that turned out I do my best to take everything more at face value than think too much.  I enjoy meeting and talking to people and if I can make a friend out of an online chat then I am totally going to go for it.  If I happen to find more from an online chat then I am ok with that too.  For now I will spend my free time making new friends and enjoying the crazyness that is the world wide web.

Friends

When J and I were married we moved to Auckland and I moved away from friends and family to a place where I knew no one.  J had been living in Auckland the last little while so already had and knew people who he'd become friends with.

We had been invited around to a families place for games and pizza where we met the Rameka's from then on we all became the best of friends.  J and I moved into the ward where our friends were and we had an instant group of friends where all the husbands did guys night and the girls did girls night along with lunch and all of that.

We really were the best of friends.  We were in each others lives for close to 4/5 years. I loved spending time with them watching their kids grow.  Spending birthdays together... church activities... random games night....dessert night. Pot luck dinners.

I never ever thought we'd lose the friendship but once things went south with J I lost all of those friends. They all decided to choose J's side which I get BUT it makes me sad that the people who I thought were my best of friends are now total strangers.  I don't think we could ever get back to that friendship again and it doesn't help that J is still close friends with them BUT I miss them. I miss hearing about their lives. How their now 1 child has turned into 5 more into our group of friends. I won't lie I still get bitter about it all sometimes and everytime I talk about it it still makes me sad but I hope one day that everything will work out and we can at least be in each others lives in someway but until then I will remember the fun times we had and how much at that time their friendship meant to me. 

The Church

Over the last few weeks with spending as much time as I have been with The Rodings its made me realise that I really do miss The Church.  So much has happened from Thanksgiving to birthdays to Christmas to Sister Rodings farewell it feels as though all of these little things have been popping up in my life for a reason.

I have mixed emotions about going back to church as the ward that I will attend will be a ward in which J and I were in when we first married.  It's also in the same stake.  I know that this doesn't make a difference BUT it makes it that little harder to go.  I have the Rodings though if I do decide to go back.

Another thing that happened was tonight I came across This Blog post and it made me all emotional and sad and realise that everything in that post was so true.  I tried millions of times to repent but I think at the time I just wasn't ready.  I was doing it for J and not for myself.  I don't know if I did or do have a testimony but right now all I know is perhaps its time I start to think about going back to church even if just for sacrament.  Just these past few weeks it's made me really miss the church. I still believe everything the church teaches I just need the courage and strength to be able to go back.

2005

I had been contemplating most of the day about whether or not I wanted to use this as my 2005 RAPhotoADay challenge but why should I feel like I can't write or say how I feel about it all.

For those of you who don't know (though I'm sure you can tell from the photos lol) 2005 was the year J and I got engaged and married all within the space of 3 months. I remember how we met as if it were yesterday but I won't bore you with it.  Instead the long and short of it is met October 2003 became a couple 4 months later.  14 months later just after I turned 19 J had received residency got offered a job and we were engaged.  3 months later July of 2005 we were married.

I really thought it was the starting of our forever but as the years went on and as we continued to fight and I continued to hurt him it just felt like it was a losing battle.

Growing up a member of the church back then I thought that J and I needed to fight it out that we needed to make it work because it was the "right" thing to do.  I thought that we were meant to be forever. I kept hurting him and I guess perhaps we hurt each other.  I think for some parts of our marriage I was being selfish.  Back then I didn't know anything apart from J.  How do I let go of something and feel ok about not having him in my life when he was all I knew? I couldn't imagine my life without him but yet I still kept hurting him over and over.  He didn't deserve anything that happened to him and I'm sorry that it turned sour.

If I knew what I know now I would have gone about things completely different.  I'm not excusing any of my behaviour but (and there is always a but) but I really did have a traumatic first 6 years of my life and from seeing a therapist they're meant to be some of the most important years of your life. Like I said I'm not excusing anything I just wish that I knew what I know now I would have done things differently.  After the first time I think I would have left.  I think I would have had more courage to do what was best and right for me and not what was best for J, everyone or the church.

I tried hard to work on our marriage.  Sure I did stupid thing after stupid thing after stupid thing but back then.... I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know how else to get out of a marriage that I wasn't happy in.  But at the same time I didn't know how to get out of a marriage that I wanted to be in either. I was torn.  I wanted so much for our marriage to work but at the same time I wasn't happy and I made sure to sabotage it in the hopes J would leave.  I hate myself for doing that and I hated what it did to J but what else was I meant to do?  I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to and my friends at the time they were all happy in love kids newly weds.  I wasn't going to open up and talk to them so I turned to strangers. I regret that part of it BUT I guess I felt it was the only thing I could do to feel like someone out there was actually listening.  *sigh* It makes me sad to think about how it all ended sometimes.

2005 for me was a mix of happy sad lonely and all kinds of emotions but it will always be the year that reminds me of a marriage that was meant to be the beginning of our forever and I'm sorry that it wasn't. 

Closing Another Chapter

Last night was one of the best sleeps I'd had in a while.  I guess I needed the closure and didn't know it.  We talked for an hour maybe and explained how we felt about it all.  There were times it was weird but I got through the phone call without feeling so upset about it all. 

I'm glad we decided to talk it out.  I'm not sure how where our friendship will end up but I'm guessing it will be more of a every now and then again friendship where we talk once every blue moon.  I'm ok with that.  I think after last night's conversation it made me realise that I more needed the closure than I needed to have him and the constant communication with him. 

Time to move on in this journey of mine lol. 

Do I Wanna Know

Of course this song happens to show up while I am trying out a new app.  I'm glad though that even though it makes me sad some that it doesn't make me as sad as it could have. 

Proud Moment

Today's photo was Proud Moment.  I spent the last 30 minutes searching through photos in the hopes I would find something I was most proud of. 

It wasn't until I came across this picture that it made me realise that today is the day I am most proud of.  I have come along one since the girl who posted that over 2 years ago.  I was a mess.  I felt like I had no one and if you search back through blog entries and read the entry as I mentioned I really did feel like I was on an emotional roller coaster wishing it would stop and let me off. 

I won't say that I am off the ride for good but there have been times where it's stopped a few months to let me off only to pull me back in sometime again later on. 

I'm soo much happier and such a better person (at least trying to be) and I'm so grateful to the friend who has always stuck by me and to the new friends who were once strangers to me.  I love you all.  I am soo looking forawrd to 2014 and I can't wait to see what the rest of the year has in store for me. 

Fab 5

Top left taken July 2013 and October 2013. Bottom left
taken June 2013 and the other was taken Christmas Day

With a few things coming up for some of us at work the 5 girls decided to get together for Fab 5 biggest loser.  Officially we start Monday BUT these past few days I've already got the knack of trying to eat healthier and be a better me amongst a few bits of random pieces of chocolate.

I think when I am prepared food wise I eat  alot more healthier than I would normally. One thing I struggle with the most is breakfast... I have never ever been a huge breakfast fan but the last couple days I have been better about it.  Other than that I do quite well.

Next week starts the journey again and we have 12 weeks to get into the best shape of our lives... I'm pretty competitive and I'm totally in it for the money LOL.  $20 buy in.  $5 from the personn who loses the least amount of percentage each week and $2 for staying the same or gaining makes it at least $160 after 12 weeks which isn't so bad.

Monday will be D today! I will post weight and measurements.  I'd say wish me luck but I think I need more than luck.

One Of My Many

One of my many weaknesses and I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing is that when it comes to people and relationships I always fall too fast,  crash too hard, forgive to easily and care too much.  (And yes I totally stole that quote)

I try my best not to get involved so quickly and you'd think I would learn from previous mistakes but perhaps I'm too nice? Perhaps I want a relationship/friendship with someone that I trust them too easily? Perhaps I'm too naive?  Perhaps it's wrong of me to put myself out there so much? Whatever the reason all I know is I don't think it will be something about myself I can/will/want to change.  Sure I will hold back some but at the sametime I'm not afraid to put myself on the line even if it means a broken heart. I learnt in my marriage to J that you need to take risks.  Take a chance. I don't ever want to have what ifs. I ruined a marriage because of those and I don't want that to happen ever again. 

Now onto the whole point of this post.

A little while ago I got involved with someome where we both thought it was going to be more than it was. We spent every waking moment of the day for two and a half weeks messaging, talking,  sending photos of our days and pretty much sharing anything and everything.

As I always do I held back some. I didn't want to share so much because for me its how one gets all emotionally involved. Time went by and he made me feel comfortable sharing how I felt. He shared a lot about himself than I did with him but it really was becoming a great friendship and eventually what we thought something more.

Something changed for him though where he didn't feel the same way anymore.  It was then that we(he) decided that we would move on from it all and be friends. 

It was rough. It still is rough sometimes and its why I'm blogging it out. I don't dislike him but right now I need the break from him. As I told him I need to be able to get to that point where when I can think of him and not feel sad. I guess in a way I am lucky that I have friends and work to keep me distracted.  I'd say I have the kids too but who am I kidding I'm on a break from them. Woo.

Celebrations

Tonight was a huge celebration of family birthdays farewells and mission calls. 

So much fun but it also made me realise 2 things. 1 being that its times like these I miss my actual family. Since J and I separated my family has consisted of strangers who took me in became friends with me and now who I call family and as much as I love them its not the same as having my immediate family here. At times I wonder could I move to Perth but I really am happy here in NZ I just miss my family.

The second thing it made me realise is that sometimes I actually miss the church.  Having not been in over 2 years I sometimes feel like I'm ready to go back but then there are days when I'm just not ready. Which also leads me back to my family.  They're not active anymore and more than anything I'd want to be able to go to church and know ok yip my family will be with me forever.  Of all the things the church has taught me its that family can be together forever and as much as I messed mine up with J I still think there is someone out there who is meant to be my forever. 

I had a great night and I'm so happy to have shared birthday celebrations for  Mel, Eva, Saul, Hellie and Aaron and also a farewell family dinner for Eva as she will be leaving to serve a mission in less than 10 days. I love you all and I'm so grateful to those who I once called strangers to say you are now family and sadly you're stuck with me. Eek.