Far North

We've been spending the last couple of days in the Far North and I always love coming back here I just need to come back more often.

Went to Paihia, Waitangi, Kaitaia, Cape Reinga and now we're out at Tokerau Beach. I remember coming here as a kid staying in the beach house and it's still just as gorgeous as I remember.

We also went to Hauhora to see both my brother and grandfather who are buried there and it was really awesome to go and see them both. I don't go up as often as I should but this time when I went up it was more emotional than I thought it would be but I'm glad I went and stopped in.

I think next time we come up I need to come longer and spend more time touring around. I think as a child you don't really appreciate it as much as you do when you're an adult.

I've enjoyed spending time with Mel and Lee-Anne and I'm so grateful to have such amazing cool friends.

I'm blessed to know that we live in such a beautiful country and I can't wait to see more of it. Road trip anyone?

Photo - Quote

A friend of mine sent me an awesome quote which I feel that right now I can kinda relate too.

With everything going on in my life from my marriage ending, to having feelings for someone who I shouldn't really have feelings for, to also trying to deal with my crazy move around a lot and not being able to connect or bond with anyone (friends or family) just makes for one crazy person and that as my friends would say is VERY true! ;)

I do know that everything I am going through or will go through in the next few months and even years that when I need to I have people that I can turn too for support.

I'm slowly starting to realise that its ok to want to take control of my own life and still be me. Eventually I will get there and slowly taking my own control back really helps.

To be able to feel more confident in myself and know that I pushed through all of this will be the best kind of personal development I can do.

So where do I sign up?

Baby Steps

It was a long and hard process for me to finally have the courage to come out and say that I had feelings for him and needed to start letting go.

A few months of running it through my mind, with girlfriends and my therapist I just wasn't ready. I always knew that eventually I would have to say something and every time I felt like I had the courage too I backed out.

I was scared I guess. Scared that if I said something it would ruin our relationship. That it would end up being awkward and to be honest, I wasn't ready to not have him in my life. I'm still not ready, but I know that emotionally its unhealthy for me.

It's been hard to control the urge to not text or call him and tell him about my day or hear about his but I'm proud of myself.

I know that to some people it's not a huge deal but to go from talking or texting almost everyday the past 7 months to cutting back, it's hard.

I'm ready to slowly move on and let go but I'm also ready to start working through more of my issues with my therapist. Seriously, anyone not in therapy I would totally recommend it. I love it. :)

I'm tired of riding this 'emotional roller coaster' and really want to get off but it just hasn't stopped at my stop yet. Not sure how long it's going to be until I can get off but in the mean time, I'll be the best support person I can be for the others on this ride and when it comes to their stop I'll be sure to be the person cheering the loudest.

Checking In

Without getting into too much detail I had an awesome 2.5 hour conversation with a 'friend' earlier today which was well over due.

We talked about our relationship and where it was headed and how we were both feeling about it. He's been my person these past 7 months and I've relied on him so much for both emotional support and when we're together the sexual part of that as well that my feelings for him changed from just friends to wanting more.

We went through the motions of talking and seeing how each other felt and I'm grateful that while it was a difficult topic for me to bring up with him that he was able to really listen and just get a feel for how I was feeling about our situation.

I think as we both learn to 'let go' and sort of not really rely on each other as much as we do (well for me anyways) or talk as often as we do it'll help me to not get anymore emotionally involved than I already am.

Our relationship aside we're actually really great friends and I would hate to not have him in my life. Like I said he's been my person these past 7 months but I feel that if I want to 'let go' of the emotional part of our relationship I need to make room to let other people in emotionally and be able to lean on them and not just lean on him every single time. Of course it's going to be hard but right now for me emotionally it's the best thing I can do.

I'm so grateful with how understanding he was about it all and I'm really glad that I was able to tell him how I felt and not worry that he'd judge me or think I was a weirdo for having feelings for him.

All in all it was a great conversation and aside from our circumstances etc he's a really good guy!

Friends

It’s been 4 months now and it’s honestly been the longest 4 months of my life.

On the other hand though it’s also been a good 4 months and most recently the past 2 months have been some of my best.

Since going back to therapy I’ve learnt so much about myself and why I’ve made some of the choices that I’ve made. It’s been a really rough road and I’m so grateful that I’ve had people there for me, my therapist being one of them. She has seen me at my lowest and lets me be me and I don’t have to worry about how she’s going to judge me. She has been such an awesome person for me and I’m so glad to have her. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I’m grateful though that while I have my therapist I also have that small group of close knit friends who I can turn to when I need them. I’m grateful to those friends and especially to that one person who has always been there for me actually those 2 but this one friend has always been there. When everyone else went away she was always there waiting and not judging. Ready to be that listening ear when I needed it. She’s my go to girl and even though I prob don’t say it enough I appreciate her friendship a lot.

She is one person I know who has been my listening ear at 3am till all hours of the day and night and who of all of my friends doesn’t really give a crap about what others think about her.

She was the one who even when things were hard in her life she still managed to find time for me and my problems but also time for her sometimes annoying family. :) I admire her for all that she has been through and I’m so grateful to have her in my life.

More than ever before I know I’m going to need her and I’m glad that while she has her own family and problems to deal with she’s still ok to be my person. I only hope that one day I can be the kind of friend to her that she has been to me.

Love you loser-roo!