Not So Healthy Living

For those who have been following these last 2 nearly 3 weeks I've been focusing on my health. I had decided enough was enough and I needed to work more on my physical health.

Week 1 was amazing. I focused on getting good food into my body. I made sure to drink plenty of water and I made a conscious effort of what I should and shouldn't put into my body. I was losing weight feeling good and I couldn't wait to see how the next 11 weeks were going to go.

The start of week 2 was great. I had lost weight from eating healthier. My cravings were going away and cutting back on the alcohol was definitely helping in my journey.  A few days in I had hit a plateau. I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues and I went from not eating to wanting an alcoholic drink. The struggle was real. I spent the night in Auckland where the trip for the most part food was wasn't so bad. I'd had a shake, a salad but when it came to that night I pretty much ate my feelings.

A friend had come to visit while I was down and with the both of us hungry and her having had a bad emotional day with a family member and me still dealing with emotional issues we went with fast food. It wasn't the best and to be honest I was pretty hard on myself. I still am hard on myself.  Since then my eating hasn't been bad BUT it hasn't been the best it could have been. It actually wouldn't surprise me if this week I gain weight.

For me it's hard to focus on the good when I make those bad choices. It's hard to look at the whole picture. Instead of focusing on the way I'm feeling from eating healthy or the fact that in 18 days I've only made bad choices 2/3 times max. I still seem to focus on the well you've still made a bad choice option.

I'm putting this out there because I know that I'm not the only person who has a slip up. I'm not the first and I won't be the last. What I do know and what I need to remember is that just because we've made a bad choice it doesn't mean all the other hard work has gone down the drain. It doesn't mean we should give up. That one bad cookie, or chocolate bar or even that takeout pizza doesn't define us. It just means we have to jump back on and remember why we have started this journey. Where we are now and where we want to be.

I'm not perfect and I don't want people thinking, oh Teesh is focusing on her health and is eating 100% clean when the truth is I haven't been. I've got the next 9 weeks to focus on the goals I want to achieve and accomplish. I can do this and I can only hope that by sharing my journey with everyone it helps them to share and join in this journey with me.

Two Months

That moment when you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing or hearing something that breaks your heart.

These last 2 months my life has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I've had my amazing ups from seeing my family, to travelling the country side and abroad, quality time with friends and family and most recently have started focusing more on my physical health. The downs in this ride while there are only a couple seems to be a down that is never ending.

Last night I heard from someone I was least expecting to hear from. Someone I hadn't heard from in 2 months. I read their message and my heart hurt. I didn't know what to feel. Sad. Angry. Hurt. I was with Cerise who as she read the message I too watched as her heart hurt for me. She left the room not wanting to get emotional. In my moment of confusion, hurt and angerness all I wanted to do was get upset at this person. I had so many questions. So many mixed emotions. I messaged back with a.... Answer your phone I want to talk to you.

It felt like 5 hours as I sat there listening to the phone ring on the other end. Would he answer? What would he say? Was he sorry for the hurt he'd caused me? Did he even mean anything he'd ever said to me? Was I just another person to add to his list of people?

When he answered the phone there was that awkward moment of silence. Were we going to be able to talk? Could I have a conversation without crying? Was I showing weakness if I let him hear me cry? Was what we had and felt real?

We talked for 2 hours. I cried. He listened. I let him open up and share as much as he felt comfortable with sharing. I'm still hurt and confused. I don't know what is happening or what will happen. Our lives are complete opposites yet I feel at the same time we are very much the same. I think he's scared. We're both scared.  We don't know what the future holds but why wouldn't you take a chance on something that feels so right because you're scared of the not knowing. We don't get to know everything. We only get to live life to the best of our abilities. Enjoying the time we have here. Not spending the next 15 years of our lives unhappy because we feel it's all we deserve.

I feel like a lot of stuff needs to happen for or between this guy and I before anything happens. I know we've decided to be friends who have feelings but after these last 2 months for me, it's hard. I'm confused. Sad. I feel weird.

My feelings didn't go away and what's weird is I held out hope these last 2 months for something and last night it happened. Last night he reached out and now that he has there's that part of me that is feeling unsure about it all.

This ride is crazy but if I can go through a failed marriage, losing my friends, starting a life over, getting sick and making new friends I can get through anything. I think these next few days, weeks and months are going to be very interesting and even if it scares me or freaks me out.... I feel like this could be something worth feeling scared for.

I Keep On Falling!

Falling for anyone there's a chance you could end up hurt, the other side of that coin however is you could also be or end up amazingly happy.

I've had my fair share of being hurt and I know for a fact I've hurt people. I'm very much a wear my heart on my sleeve type of person. I see the good in people. I feel their pain. I connect with them on a level where we can relate. The bad to this is I always fall for the broken wrong ones. The ones who need the validation, who want to feel or need to be loved, who want the attention. The ones who you feel you can relate to because you've been in the exact same situation they're going through now. You see them as someone you can "help". That they are that 1% statistic who feel you can "save". That person who could possibly be your crazy fairytale ending.

When you open up and connect with someone on an emotional level feelings run deep. It's not just about looking forward to chatting. It's about making future plans. Plans to meet. To spend time together. To plan what you thought was some sort of life together.  Those days, weeks and months of continuous chatting, flirting, late night and early morning phone calls, photos, sharing in the ups and downs of each other's day it was real.  At least I thought it was real.

I'm not sure what happened and to be honest I don't think I ever will know.  We went from one extreme of talking everyday to pretty much cold turkey not talking at all, at least he did. I took a chance on someone I thought was going to be more. On someone who for once genuinely meant the things he said. I thought when I said I had the feels and for them to be reciprocated that perhaps I'd found that person who had the things we both wanted in a relationship. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.

It hurts my heart reading back on things we said, the feelings we shared, watching videos we sent, hearing his voice. I miss what I thought we were building. I don't regret the chances I took with him. In fact it's been over a month and I still miss him and still reach out in the hopes that he'll do the same. He hasn't. I don't expect him too I guess what I struggle with the most is the not knowing. The no closure. Will I ever get it? Probably not but I'm okay with that.

Starting New

So I'm not happy with how I look. In the last few months all I've done is eat crap and drink way too much alcohol. It's not good at all. On top of trying to make sure I'm healthy I also have J to worry about as well, or more so she's my motivation to want to do more for the both of us. Since moving to Whangarei all I've done is eat and drink. I've not watched what I've been eating and to be honest, I kinda just stopped and got into that mindset of... Oh well, I'll start tomorrow.

Yesterday I'm not sure what it was but I woke up with the desire to want to be and do more. I felt like both J and I needed and deserved that so off we went to the supermarket.

She pushed the trolley while I loaded it with food. I decided to try and go the LCHF route again as I know this works for me.  I'm not sure how it will work with or for J but we can only try and if it doesn't work we can change it up a little.

Today was day 1 of our getting  back into better healthy eating. We jumped on the scales anddd I made breakfast.  I'm also cutting back on the wine as I totally don't need it.

So this is it. A new start and a new mid week menu.

2016 End Of An Era

As another year end it's crazy to look back and see how far I have (and haven't) come. It's still quite early here but best to get this out now rather than trying to do it later tonight. 

Let's do a quick recap of the year.  

January: 

This was a hard time for our family.  Cedric had been sick for a while and Aunty Mina had been doing hospital visits pretty much everyday if not more than once a day.  Toward the end Cedric came home and Nan, Nena,  Aunty Mina and I all stayed home for the weekend.  I had never experienced anything like what I did with Cedric.  I don't even know what I was expecting but what I am grateful for is that during this time I was able to build relationships with Aunty Mina and Nena that I wouldn't have,  had I not been in Whangarei going through the motions and sadness of losing a loved one. I won't say I loved the experience but I am in a weird way glad I got to experience it.  I've never been one to see anyone die as generally they're already dead and on the Marae before we turn up so having to go through it all we definitely interesting. It was sad and hard but going through that as a family I think really helped us grow closer together which I'm forever grateful for.  

February:

February was a much more quiet month which wasn't a bad thing.  I think we were all just emotionally drained that we needed to just relax and chill out.  I also received dates for surgery which involved fortnightly trips to Auckland starting early March and going for the next few months.  It wasn't something I was looking forward too but I only hoped it would improve my breathing and mean progress towards getting the trachy out.  

March: 

March was a month of adventure and the beginning of steroid injections at the hospital. I also met Wade online and things moved pretty quickly for us.  I made two trips down to Wellington in between my fortnightly steroid injections in Auckland.  A lot of travel this month.  Wade also had to work in Nelson so we managed a trip there on top of catching up with one of his best friends for dinner and checking out the sites of Picton,  Nelson and Blenheim in between the work he needed to do.  One of my fav months of the year and nice to spend some time together as well.  

April: 

Birthday month for a lot of people in my family.  Myself included.  I turned the big 30 this year and to be honest I wasn't really looking forward to it.  I didn't imagine it was going to be what it was but I actually had a lot more fun than I thought I would.  We ended up in Whangarei and had dinner with the family at an awesome Thai restaurant.  Aunty Sharron and I also went to a movie soo it was a fun awesome night out.  Didn't party too hard but still managed a couple glasses of wine with dinner.  April was also another month of travel.  J,  Aunty Sharron and I spent the day on Waiheke Island.  Loved it there.  I drove to Auckland on my own and met up with them before we caught the ferry across.  Such a fun day.  Checked out the sites.  Had amazing food (as you do when you're out) and loved spending more time with them both.  I also made another trip to Wellington to see Wade.  In between all of that I'm also still in Auckland for steroid injections.  Things are improving just super slowly. 

May: 

Another month of amazing travel. These last few weeks we have been spending a lot of time with Aunty  Sharron and J.  I have loved getting to know them both,  Aunty Sharron especially.  It's been amazing building a relationship with her now that I'm an adult.  This month we took a quick road trip to Auckland.  I was overdue for a haircut and what better way to make the trip worthwhile than to road trip it with Aunty Sharron and J.  We took our time travelling down stopping in at random places to have lunch and to check out the sites.  Another one of my fav months this year with all the travelling.  

June: 

I took a break from social media this month.  I didn't miss it as much as I thought I would and I'm glad I was able to take the month out and focus more on spending time with family. 

July: 

This was the month we made the big move to Whangarei.  Nan,  Papa and I moved into Aunty Sharrons house in Kamo.  It was the biggest mission moving and getting everything from up north to Whangarei.  We had issues with cleaning the house.  We made several trips back and forth. It was stressful and times but after a week we finally managed to get everything clear and moved in.  A few weeks later we were organised and settled in with Phone,  Internet,  Sky and power going.  It's been an interesting move but it should be a good move for us all.  J also moved in with us as well so that was exciting for us all.  

August: 

August was a really rough month health wise.  I had surgery at North Shore hospital ended up staying in longer than I thought.  Discharged only to end up in Whangarei hospital a couple days later with major difficulties breathing.  I spent another 10 days in hospital and even managed to see Jacqui as she was in Whangarei presenting at a seminar that another Dr was running at Whangarei Hospital.  I really struggled with the hospital visit this time round.  I hated being sick.  I was over the hospital.  I wished I never had the surgery way back when.  I don't generally get down but one day it just all hit me and I didn't want any of this.  It was the day I was feeling sorry for myself and I was over it.  The only good exciting couple things that happened in August was,  I bought a dog and celebrating LeeLee's birthday. We picked the dog from the SPCA in Kerikeri.  He was already named (Niko) when we picked him up but he suits the name and we love him to bits. I then went to Auckland and had lunch and dinner with LeeLee before we went to the Casino which wasn't that great but we did have some great drinks lol.

September: 

Another month of travel.  Lol.  I entered a competition that Vodafone was running on twitter to win tickets to Giselle and ended up winning.  Went with a gf Pam.  We had fun.  Went to Burger fuel beforehand then we went to the ballet.  It was the first time I had ever gone and it was more interesting than I thought it would be.  I thought it was going to suck and be boring but I had fun and it was nice to spend time with Pam.  A few months back a friend and I had planned to take a trip away to Paihia. He drove from Auckland picked me up and away we went.  It was a late afternoon trip because he had work beforehand but the drive was great and not as awkward as I thought it would have been considering even though Arthur and I had been friends over a year we hadn't really spent much time together because of our clashing schedules.  We were away 10 days and went to Paihia.  Russell.  Watuwhiwhi. Kerikeri. Waitangi.  Karikari Peninsula and stopped at a few random beaches on the way.  Such an awesome fun trip away and it was nice to explore Northland even if I did grow up there. I don't think you appreciate it as much if you grow up there but I loved being a tourist and had a lot of fun.  I also participated in a trachy study that was being run by AUT so that was fun.  

October: 

This was an interesting month.  After not hearing from Wade in forever out of the blue he texts to see how I'm doing.  We arrange for a trip so I make a plan and catch a flight to Wellington.  This trip wasn't a good trip.  It made me sad for him and all the crazy that he's dealing with and going through but I felt after coming away from the trip that I am better off being his friend from a distance.  It wasn't an easy decision for me because I felt like I needed to be there for him but I don't think I can be if he's just going to drag me down with him. I can be too nice sometimes but at the same time I need to remember it's okay to put myself first and be selfish even if it means doing something I normally wouldn't. Oh October was also the month I lost my license.  Never let that happen again.  Was going 50ks over the limit and managed an automatic 28 day road side suspension.  I also changed my name back to my maiden one,  at least on social media.  Nothing else can be changed till it all expires.   

November: 

Got my license back along with a $810 fine. Not good but that's what I get for speeding.  Now I need to be more careful,  not speed and drive like a Nana.  Nan,  Papa,  J and I also went to the Dargaville races.  We were going to make a day of it but after 4 races were run they abandoned the rest.  Papa wasn't happy but we still had fun with what few races we did watch.  Oh and I also reconnected with both a high school friend and a guy from high school.  Someone I had a huge crush on way back when. The guy not the girl Lol.  

December: 

This has been an interesting but also an amazing fun awesome month.  J and I have spent the last 3 and a half weeks here in Australia.  We were in Perth for 3 weeks with her family.  Spent Christmas with them and I was able to get to know and spend more time with them as well as with Aunty Bub and Fred.  So glad I made the trip out with J and more so that I was given the opportunity to be able to make the trip.  We've been having an awesome time.  Checking out sites.  Spending time with family.  Christmas shopping.  Eating way too much good food.  At least I have.  Getting to know people I wouldn't have had the chance to had I not come to Perth.  We are currently in Brisbane and will be seeing the new year in with my family.  New Zealand will see the new year before us but I'm looking forward to spending the next few days here in Brisbane with my family before we head home to Whangarei next Thursday.  

This year has been amazing.  I've loved all of the travelling.  The adventures.  The people I've met.  The relationships I've built.  The people I've reconnected with.  My health isn't getting worse but it's also not getting any better.  We are talking reconstruction surgery now but we will see what happens with that when I am back in New Zealand.  I am looking forward to seeing what 2017 has in store for me.  I have a few goals and things I want to and need to do but for now I'm going to enjoy the last day of 2016 with my family and spend the first 5 days of 2017 here in Brisbane.  Roll on 2017 and let's hope for an amazing awesome fun filled year of travel,  adventures,  new friendships,  relationships and so much more.

Throwback Thursday

When my marriage first ended I was overweight,  unhappy,  and not motivated at all.  I honestly couldn't care less about anything.  There were so many things that led up to where I was in my life in that moment but I knew back then I wasn't ready to kick the bad eating to the curb.  Or even trying to think about caring for myself.

It has only been in the last few years that I decided now was the time to focus on myself.  Focus on loving me.  I knew if I did it for anyone else I wouldn't stick to it.  I would give up and I would feel even more worse about myself than what I did before I started.

It wasn't easy and to be honest there were a lot of days where I ate crap,  drank a whole lot of alcohol,  couldn't be bothered exercising and some days where I just gave up all together.  I hated feeling like I had to stop eating bread or chocolate or drinking alcohol. Why couldn't I just eat anything I wanted?  Why did I have to cut out everything?  Couldn't I eat all food in moderation?  It was always a struggle for me.  I learnt that if I cut out all the chocolate, sugar,  bad food or alcohol that I would end up binging.  I would spend 2 days straight eating crap.  Next thing I knew I'd eaten a whole block of chocolate,  a packet of chips and a bottle of Pepsi Max. Sometimes I'd eat more.

This last year it was only then that I focused more on cleaner healthier eating. I stopped dieting and just ate whole food.  Sure I still had chocolate and chips and drank Pepsi max but I didn't binge like I would previously.  I learnt to eat all food in moderation.  I didn't deprive myself.  I knew if I did I would go back to old habits.  I love food.  Food is my thing.   My weakness is chips.  I love chips.  I know my eating at the moment is probably more 60% good and 40% bad but I've got the next 3 weeks to kick some habits to the curb.  Instead of having sugar filled cookies or fizzy everyday I need to switch to water and having more water healthier snacks.

Another thing I've been looking at as well is ways to get more whole foods into my body. I know I eat quite a bit of vegetables but when it comes to fruit I don't eat a lot.  If I'm being honest, in a week I might have something like a handful of grapes and an apple.  Sometimes an orange but for the most part I know I know I need more fruit and veg into my system.  Good thing is,  I may have found something which along with all of the other amazing FREE support you get.  Tips.  Advice.  Help.  Motivation.  I'm tempted to join the tribe.

The time now is for me to work on a better healthier version of myself and not just in a physical sense either.  I've got a lot of things I want and need to work on. I think it I can make great choices my 2017 is going to be the best year yet.

Life is about taking chances and taking risks. Sure you could end up hurt,  regretting a situation,  missing an opportunity or better yet finding something that can truly make you happy but at the end of the day we only have 1 life.  Now is the time to take charge and do what makes you happy. We've all got things we want to change when it comes to our health.

What are yours?

Holy Half Truths

Today I had an interesting conversation with someone and one where for the first time in awhile I was able to be open,  honest and real about my feelings.  My feelings to do with being sick,  my health in general,  my failed marriage,  church and the current sort of whatever it is relationship I am in now.

We both grew up members of the church and with how both of our marriages ended it actually felt good to just talk with someone who has been in the same situation as me.  I always felt like when it came to church that I was the only person going through the trials and things I have and continue to go through.  A month ago when I had that missionary experience with Sister Soderberg I had a feeling that perhaps I needed to make some sort of plan to get back to church. I won't lie I still haven't gone back and the main reason I think is because I just don't have the courage to do it.  I know there is a part of me that is ready to go back but I also know that there is another part of me that isn't ready.  I want and need to go back for myself and for the right reasons.  I enjoyed being able to discuss my feelings with this person and knowing that I wasn't the only one going through a failed marriage and finding my way back to church.

For the last 5 years my life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.  My marriage ended.  I was excommunicated from the church.  I lost a lot of friends.  Both ones I had during my marriage and the few I've lost since my marriage ended.  I've gone from relationship to relationship because I've felt lonely and felt like I needed someone to help "cure"  that loneliness.  I have been in relationships with people who I shouldn't have been with.  I've done things to people I'm not proud of and I've hurt people I never ever thought I would hurt.

I'm not sure why I feel I need to confess all my "sins"  because this really isn't the place for it.  I guess right now I'm feeling like if I want my blog to be the place I can share my thoughts and feelings then I need to get everything out.  I can't share my feelings when there is still that small percentage of me that keeps things to myself because I'm worried people will judge me.  Life is too short to worry about what people will think of me.  I can only be myself and be the real me.  I'm not a perfect person and I know that I've got a lot of things that I need to work on.  All I can do is share my own personal experiences and hope that in some way I can help others.

I'm tired of telling half truths and not being the real,  raw, honest me.  Today talking with the person I did made me realise I'm probably not the only person going through personal struggles.  Whether they are of moral,  personal,  relationship,  money or any other form of struggle.  I know if I can be honest more people will be able to relate and get to know the real me.  That's all I want.

2016 has been a rough year for me health wise and I have a feeling 2017 is going to be much the same but I only hope that 2017 is a better more open and real year for me.  

Time to make some changes starting now.

Going it alone...

For the last couple of weeks I've been dealing with and helping friends who have been going through a rough time.  I spent 10 days in Wellington with Wade and even though it was nice to see him I don't think my being there made much of a difference.  I felt sad and sorry for him,  not in a I feel pity for him,  just a I care about him and it's sad seeing what he's going through. I don't personally no of anyone who is or has gone through depression but I can say without a doubt that Wade is in the thick of it all.  I won't go into the details of it and I totally get and understand why he is feeling the way he does but I kinda wish I could do more. 

Even though we spent time together we only really did 2 things together out of the house.  The rest of it was spent doing pretty much nothing at home.  I can't say I understand depression because I honestly don't.  I've never had to go through it so from my own perspective (which isn't much) I only see the...  "Yes things are bad but there are a lot of other things we have in our lives to be grateful for". I wish I knew more about it and I wish there was a way I could help him and others who suffer from depression and or anxiety as I have read that they sometimes go hand in hand.

Last night while talking to another friend he out of the blue told me he has severe PTSD.  So much so that he pushes people away or that he hurts people (emotionally)  who want to help but end up leaving because they feel they can't pull him out of the hole that he feels he's in.  I know that as much as I want to help both of these friends there's only so much I can do.  I care about them both but I also need to think of myself too.  With being the wear my heart on my sleeve kind of person trying to separate my feelings isn't always easy.  I can sometimes feel like a sponge that soaks up all the emotions and feelings that the person is going through making my own mental health suffer and I know that's not good.  I will always be there for people who need my help and would never turn my back on them but at the same time I also need to make myself a priority. 

It may sound mean but I don't want to drown with the two of them and then feel like I can't get out.  I will be a friend from a distance but I will also focus on myself while still trying to help and be a friend to them. I have my own things that I'm going through and if I want to help anyone I need to be strong enough to help myself first. 

I just wish as naive as it's going to sound that there was no such thing as depression.  It really is a rough and hard thing to go through.  I see the struggle Wade and Ray go through and my heart hurts for them both.  I couldn't imagine having to deal with the motions of that which makes me feel lucky as well as at times a little guilty.