Closing Another Chapter

Last night was one of the best sleeps I'd had in a while.  I guess I needed the closure and didn't know it.  We talked for an hour maybe and explained how we felt about it all.  There were times it was weird but I got through the phone call without feeling so upset about it all. 

I'm glad we decided to talk it out.  I'm not sure how where our friendship will end up but I'm guessing it will be more of a every now and then again friendship where we talk once every blue moon.  I'm ok with that.  I think after last night's conversation it made me realise that I more needed the closure than I needed to have him and the constant communication with him. 

Time to move on in this journey of mine lol. 

Do I Wanna Know

Of course this song happens to show up while I am trying out a new app.  I'm glad though that even though it makes me sad some that it doesn't make me as sad as it could have. 

Proud Moment

Today's photo was Proud Moment.  I spent the last 30 minutes searching through photos in the hopes I would find something I was most proud of. 

It wasn't until I came across this picture that it made me realise that today is the day I am most proud of.  I have come along one since the girl who posted that over 2 years ago.  I was a mess.  I felt like I had no one and if you search back through blog entries and read the entry as I mentioned I really did feel like I was on an emotional roller coaster wishing it would stop and let me off. 

I won't say that I am off the ride for good but there have been times where it's stopped a few months to let me off only to pull me back in sometime again later on. 

I'm soo much happier and such a better person (at least trying to be) and I'm so grateful to the friend who has always stuck by me and to the new friends who were once strangers to me.  I love you all.  I am soo looking forawrd to 2014 and I can't wait to see what the rest of the year has in store for me. 

Fab 5

Top left taken July 2013 and October 2013. Bottom left
taken June 2013 and the other was taken Christmas Day

With a few things coming up for some of us at work the 5 girls decided to get together for Fab 5 biggest loser.  Officially we start Monday BUT these past few days I've already got the knack of trying to eat healthier and be a better me amongst a few bits of random pieces of chocolate.

I think when I am prepared food wise I eat  alot more healthier than I would normally. One thing I struggle with the most is breakfast... I have never ever been a huge breakfast fan but the last couple days I have been better about it.  Other than that I do quite well.

Next week starts the journey again and we have 12 weeks to get into the best shape of our lives... I'm pretty competitive and I'm totally in it for the money LOL.  $20 buy in.  $5 from the personn who loses the least amount of percentage each week and $2 for staying the same or gaining makes it at least $160 after 12 weeks which isn't so bad.

Monday will be D today! I will post weight and measurements.  I'd say wish me luck but I think I need more than luck.

One Of My Many

One of my many weaknesses and I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing is that when it comes to people and relationships I always fall too fast,  crash too hard, forgive to easily and care too much.  (And yes I totally stole that quote)

I try my best not to get involved so quickly and you'd think I would learn from previous mistakes but perhaps I'm too nice? Perhaps I want a relationship/friendship with someone that I trust them too easily? Perhaps I'm too naive?  Perhaps it's wrong of me to put myself out there so much? Whatever the reason all I know is I don't think it will be something about myself I can/will/want to change.  Sure I will hold back some but at the sametime I'm not afraid to put myself on the line even if it means a broken heart. I learnt in my marriage to J that you need to take risks.  Take a chance. I don't ever want to have what ifs. I ruined a marriage because of those and I don't want that to happen ever again. 

Now onto the whole point of this post.

A little while ago I got involved with someome where we both thought it was going to be more than it was. We spent every waking moment of the day for two and a half weeks messaging, talking,  sending photos of our days and pretty much sharing anything and everything.

As I always do I held back some. I didn't want to share so much because for me its how one gets all emotionally involved. Time went by and he made me feel comfortable sharing how I felt. He shared a lot about himself than I did with him but it really was becoming a great friendship and eventually what we thought something more.

Something changed for him though where he didn't feel the same way anymore.  It was then that we(he) decided that we would move on from it all and be friends. 

It was rough. It still is rough sometimes and its why I'm blogging it out. I don't dislike him but right now I need the break from him. As I told him I need to be able to get to that point where when I can think of him and not feel sad. I guess in a way I am lucky that I have friends and work to keep me distracted.  I'd say I have the kids too but who am I kidding I'm on a break from them. Woo.

Celebrations

Tonight was a huge celebration of family birthdays farewells and mission calls. 

So much fun but it also made me realise 2 things. 1 being that its times like these I miss my actual family. Since J and I separated my family has consisted of strangers who took me in became friends with me and now who I call family and as much as I love them its not the same as having my immediate family here. At times I wonder could I move to Perth but I really am happy here in NZ I just miss my family.

The second thing it made me realise is that sometimes I actually miss the church.  Having not been in over 2 years I sometimes feel like I'm ready to go back but then there are days when I'm just not ready. Which also leads me back to my family.  They're not active anymore and more than anything I'd want to be able to go to church and know ok yip my family will be with me forever.  Of all the things the church has taught me its that family can be together forever and as much as I messed mine up with J I still think there is someone out there who is meant to be my forever. 

I had a great night and I'm so happy to have shared birthday celebrations for  Mel, Eva, Saul, Hellie and Aaron and also a farewell family dinner for Eva as she will be leaving to serve a mission in less than 10 days. I love you all and I'm so grateful to those who I once called strangers to say you are now family and sadly you're stuck with me. Eek. 

Happy 2014

May 2014 be an amazing fantastical year!! You deserve it! All of you!

Goodbye 2013

As 2013 comes to a close I can't help but wonder what 2014 has in store for me  I'm looking forward to the ups and down of it all and looking forward to an amazing year with no car accidents no long periods of time off work and no rushes back to the ER.

I have a feeling that 2014 will be an incredible year and I am looking forward to going on this journey.

I have great friends an amazing wonderful family and I'm so grateful to everyone who has been there for me.

Goodbye 2013 and I hope to never have another year like you again.