Not So Healthy Living

For those who have been following these last 2 nearly 3 weeks I've been focusing on my health. I had decided enough was enough and I needed to work more on my physical health.

Week 1 was amazing. I focused on getting good food into my body. I made sure to drink plenty of water and I made a conscious effort of what I should and shouldn't put into my body. I was losing weight feeling good and I couldn't wait to see how the next 11 weeks were going to go.

The start of week 2 was great. I had lost weight from eating healthier. My cravings were going away and cutting back on the alcohol was definitely helping in my journey.  A few days in I had hit a plateau. I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues and I went from not eating to wanting an alcoholic drink. The struggle was real. I spent the night in Auckland where the trip for the most part food was wasn't so bad. I'd had a shake, a salad but when it came to that night I pretty much ate my feelings.

A friend had come to visit while I was down and with the both of us hungry and her having had a bad emotional day with a family member and me still dealing with emotional issues we went with fast food. It wasn't the best and to be honest I was pretty hard on myself. I still am hard on myself.  Since then my eating hasn't been bad BUT it hasn't been the best it could have been. It actually wouldn't surprise me if this week I gain weight.

For me it's hard to focus on the good when I make those bad choices. It's hard to look at the whole picture. Instead of focusing on the way I'm feeling from eating healthy or the fact that in 18 days I've only made bad choices 2/3 times max. I still seem to focus on the well you've still made a bad choice option.

I'm putting this out there because I know that I'm not the only person who has a slip up. I'm not the first and I won't be the last. What I do know and what I need to remember is that just because we've made a bad choice it doesn't mean all the other hard work has gone down the drain. It doesn't mean we should give up. That one bad cookie, or chocolate bar or even that takeout pizza doesn't define us. It just means we have to jump back on and remember why we have started this journey. Where we are now and where we want to be.

I'm not perfect and I don't want people thinking, oh Teesh is focusing on her health and is eating 100% clean when the truth is I haven't been. I've got the next 9 weeks to focus on the goals I want to achieve and accomplish. I can do this and I can only hope that by sharing my journey with everyone it helps them to share and join in this journey with me.

Two Months

That moment when you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing or hearing something that breaks your heart.

These last 2 months my life has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. I've had my amazing ups from seeing my family, to travelling the country side and abroad, quality time with friends and family and most recently have started focusing more on my physical health. The downs in this ride while there are only a couple seems to be a down that is never ending.

Last night I heard from someone I was least expecting to hear from. Someone I hadn't heard from in 2 months. I read their message and my heart hurt. I didn't know what to feel. Sad. Angry. Hurt. I was with Cerise who as she read the message I too watched as her heart hurt for me. She left the room not wanting to get emotional. In my moment of confusion, hurt and angerness all I wanted to do was get upset at this person. I had so many questions. So many mixed emotions. I messaged back with a.... Answer your phone I want to talk to you.

It felt like 5 hours as I sat there listening to the phone ring on the other end. Would he answer? What would he say? Was he sorry for the hurt he'd caused me? Did he even mean anything he'd ever said to me? Was I just another person to add to his list of people?

When he answered the phone there was that awkward moment of silence. Were we going to be able to talk? Could I have a conversation without crying? Was I showing weakness if I let him hear me cry? Was what we had and felt real?

We talked for 2 hours. I cried. He listened. I let him open up and share as much as he felt comfortable with sharing. I'm still hurt and confused. I don't know what is happening or what will happen. Our lives are complete opposites yet I feel at the same time we are very much the same. I think he's scared. We're both scared.  We don't know what the future holds but why wouldn't you take a chance on something that feels so right because you're scared of the not knowing. We don't get to know everything. We only get to live life to the best of our abilities. Enjoying the time we have here. Not spending the next 15 years of our lives unhappy because we feel it's all we deserve.

I feel like a lot of stuff needs to happen for or between this guy and I before anything happens. I know we've decided to be friends who have feelings but after these last 2 months for me, it's hard. I'm confused. Sad. I feel weird.

My feelings didn't go away and what's weird is I held out hope these last 2 months for something and last night it happened. Last night he reached out and now that he has there's that part of me that is feeling unsure about it all.

This ride is crazy but if I can go through a failed marriage, losing my friends, starting a life over, getting sick and making new friends I can get through anything. I think these next few days, weeks and months are going to be very interesting and even if it scares me or freaks me out.... I feel like this could be something worth feeling scared for.

I Keep On Falling!

Falling for anyone there's a chance you could end up hurt, the other side of that coin however is you could also be or end up amazingly happy.

I've had my fair share of being hurt and I know for a fact I've hurt people. I'm very much a wear my heart on my sleeve type of person. I see the good in people. I feel their pain. I connect with them on a level where we can relate. The bad to this is I always fall for the broken wrong ones. The ones who need the validation, who want to feel or need to be loved, who want the attention. The ones who you feel you can relate to because you've been in the exact same situation they're going through now. You see them as someone you can "help". That they are that 1% statistic who feel you can "save". That person who could possibly be your crazy fairytale ending.

When you open up and connect with someone on an emotional level feelings run deep. It's not just about looking forward to chatting. It's about making future plans. Plans to meet. To spend time together. To plan what you thought was some sort of life together.  Those days, weeks and months of continuous chatting, flirting, late night and early morning phone calls, photos, sharing in the ups and downs of each other's day it was real.  At least I thought it was real.

I'm not sure what happened and to be honest I don't think I ever will know.  We went from one extreme of talking everyday to pretty much cold turkey not talking at all, at least he did. I took a chance on someone I thought was going to be more. On someone who for once genuinely meant the things he said. I thought when I said I had the feels and for them to be reciprocated that perhaps I'd found that person who had the things we both wanted in a relationship. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.

It hurts my heart reading back on things we said, the feelings we shared, watching videos we sent, hearing his voice. I miss what I thought we were building. I don't regret the chances I took with him. In fact it's been over a month and I still miss him and still reach out in the hopes that he'll do the same. He hasn't. I don't expect him too I guess what I struggle with the most is the not knowing. The no closure. Will I ever get it? Probably not but I'm okay with that.

Starting New

So I'm not happy with how I look. In the last few months all I've done is eat crap and drink way too much alcohol. It's not good at all. On top of trying to make sure I'm healthy I also have J to worry about as well, or more so she's my motivation to want to do more for the both of us. Since moving to Whangarei all I've done is eat and drink. I've not watched what I've been eating and to be honest, I kinda just stopped and got into that mindset of... Oh well, I'll start tomorrow.

Yesterday I'm not sure what it was but I woke up with the desire to want to be and do more. I felt like both J and I needed and deserved that so off we went to the supermarket.

She pushed the trolley while I loaded it with food. I decided to try and go the LCHF route again as I know this works for me.  I'm not sure how it will work with or for J but we can only try and if it doesn't work we can change it up a little.

Today was day 1 of our getting  back into better healthy eating. We jumped on the scales anddd I made breakfast.  I'm also cutting back on the wine as I totally don't need it.

So this is it. A new start and a new mid week menu.