It's been a rough 6 months. There are times when I have missed those past relationships. My marriage. My family. My friends. I felt like slowly everyone just left.
Sure what I did was wrong but is it any less wrong to just leave and cut me out of your life? It took awhile but I let you in and thought to myself, I really have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I was wrong though because when I needed you the most, you weren't there anymore. I guess it hurt you to see what I was doing with my life but you didn't ask why...you only cared that it was too hard for you and that it was a shock what I had done.
I miss my best friends, the ones who I thought would be there for me know matter what, but you all left.
I was alone and went to the people who I knew WOULD be there for me. They took me in, listened, asked questions and never once judged. They don't agree with the choices I've made but they are still there for me...being a friend and a shoulder to cry on.
I thought being a friend meant that know matter what your friends did you would always be there for them. Maybe it was hard for you because of J but if this was the other way around I would have been the best friend I could have been to you.
I'm still hurt that you left because I really did think that of everyone you would be there but your not. Not anymore.
I miss you. I miss hanging out with you and our girls nights. I miss the random afternoon teas we had. I miss hearing about your life...but most of all I miss my best friends.
Sunday 26 February 2012
Saturday 18 February 2012
Oh Adele
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love.
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love.
Friday 10 February 2012
Rolling In The Deep
How did I let myself get so involved? Is it wrong of me to be jealous? To hope that maybe the things that we did together were special? It wasn't anything new...nothing I hadn't heard before but it's different from another persons perspective.
It hurt just as much as it did when he first told me about it, it still hurts and it's why I'm blogging.
I knew what it was in the beginning. It was about fun and sharing experiences. He made me feel comfortable. He never once judged me and I was grateful to him for that.
It's been nearly 9 months of intense conversations, sharing secrets, sexual encounters, tears, laughs and sometimes along the way a bit of heart ache.
I thought I could do it but I don't think I can. I'm torn between whether to go or not to go. Going would result in hurt and not going would be the same because I don't know how to let go.
As much as it hurts right now, he's the only one I wish were here to give me hugs but that doesn't help the situation.
We have a complicated relationship we do. One which I don't even think I'd wish on my worst enemy. In the end someone always gets hurt and it's a fact, they never leave.
I've wished it so many times that things would progress into something else but they won't. It won't ever be us. I wish I was enough but I'm not that either. I'm in way too deep and I'm about to drown.
Moving on will be the best thing not just for me but him. He can move onto bigger and better things and I won't have to feel so hurt about the whole thing because as I've said before...sometimes I like to torture myself and while we're 'together' I'll just keep doing it and that's not smart.
It's a tough decision and even though it's laid out in black and white..I'm still unsure as to whether I should stay or go.
It hurt just as much as it did when he first told me about it, it still hurts and it's why I'm blogging.
I knew what it was in the beginning. It was about fun and sharing experiences. He made me feel comfortable. He never once judged me and I was grateful to him for that.
It's been nearly 9 months of intense conversations, sharing secrets, sexual encounters, tears, laughs and sometimes along the way a bit of heart ache.
I thought I could do it but I don't think I can. I'm torn between whether to go or not to go. Going would result in hurt and not going would be the same because I don't know how to let go.
As much as it hurts right now, he's the only one I wish were here to give me hugs but that doesn't help the situation.
We have a complicated relationship we do. One which I don't even think I'd wish on my worst enemy. In the end someone always gets hurt and it's a fact, they never leave.
I've wished it so many times that things would progress into something else but they won't. It won't ever be us. I wish I was enough but I'm not that either. I'm in way too deep and I'm about to drown.
Moving on will be the best thing not just for me but him. He can move onto bigger and better things and I won't have to feel so hurt about the whole thing because as I've said before...sometimes I like to torture myself and while we're 'together' I'll just keep doing it and that's not smart.
It's a tough decision and even though it's laid out in black and white..I'm still unsure as to whether I should stay or go.
Being Prepared
Growing up we never had anything so with it being a new year I thought why not start now. It's a lot more smarter to buy something every week rather than rushing out to the supermarket to try and buy it all in one go. It's also a good idea to buy things you're actually going to eat. Don't go buying tins of tuna when you know you're not going to eat it. (Can you tell I like budget stuff - You wont really care what brand it is when you've got nothing else to eat)
Like I said start small and work your way up till you have enough food storage for you and your family.
Today I went out and picked up some of the basics, obviously I need more than this but for now it's better than nothing.
Make sure you have something to cook your food with and invest in waterproof matches.
Sometimes when you think about it, it can be a huge process and I know some people who put it off either because they don't think anything will happen or they just don't have the space to put all the food.
As far as for nothing happening you just never know. There is already so much going on in the world that wouldn't it make you want to be prepared rather than not.
Start today and be prepared!
Thursday 9 February 2012
The Earlier Years
April 1986: My parents were living up North pregnant with me when at only 26 weeks I was ready to come out.
Mum went to Rawene Hospital but they told her to go to Whangarei so off we went. Next thing I know, I'm in my very first helicopter ride going from Whangarei to Auckland Hospital. Once there my parents were faced with a tough decision to either abort or go to Waikato Hospital. They chose the latter, obviously. How lucky was I? Two helicopter rides in the space of 24 hours. Every kids dream right?
Having settled in at Waikato Hospital it was time. For some reason I just wanted out and didn't want to stay in any longer.
April 12th 1986: I'm finally here. Delivered via C section at 26 weeks and weighing in at 878 grams.
I spent the next 7 months of my life in an incubator, it became my world. It was the only thing I knew. I never had the chance to bond with my Mum. That feeling of being held against her chest. I didn't get to feel that. Even on the odd occasion when someone could hold me, it wasn't for very long. How as a child was I meant to know where I belonged? I felt alone. All I knew was myself and my incubator, oh and the millions of tubes that ran through my body to help me breath and feed.
I struggled to bond with anyone and only later as an adult would I realise how sometimes damaging and heart breaking that can be.
Two years later January 1988 my sister was born. I don't remember much from when we were kids and from seeing DS it can be quite 'normal' to not remember when you've had such traumatic experiences.
Fast forward a little to December 1989 my younger brother was born. Our family was growing and yet I still don't remember much of it. Maybe I learnt to block things out and it was the only way I knew how to cope.
Sadly at 20 months in August of 1991 my brother passed away in his sleep. The only thing I remember anyone saying was that he had Pneumonia. It was hard for my parents and they seperated for a while then Mum got pregnant (to Dad obviously). July 1992 my other brother was born. My parents seperated before he was born and stayed seperated till their divorce in 1995.
Sometime in all of that Mum met my step dad...and he had an instant family of 3 kids. They married May 1995. He introduced us to the church and we continued to go as a family till I was about 13/14. Then my family went off and on till they stopped going all together in 2005.
We moved around a lot as a kid which was hard for me...I'd make new friends then all of a sudden we'd be leaving and I never once had the chance to say goodbye to that friendship. In the space of 10 years we'd moved 5 times and that only includes moving to different towns not moving to a different house in the same town.
I never liked moving. I told myself when I have children I'm never moving. I hated the thought of always having to move and not being able to mourn the loss of a friendship because all I was, was a child and you don't really get a say in where your family is going to live when you're all of 10.
It was a rough first few years of my life...stuck in an incubator for 7 months, the loss of a brother, having to move so much, the loss of friends and finally not being able to bond with my Mum or Dad, or with anyone for that matter.
I learnt to keep to myself...I was the kid growing up who didn't have many friends but those friends I did have I always managed to attach myself to them as if my life depended on it.
Looking back had I have had that closeness with my family things could have been different both in my childhood heading into my teens and then into adulthood and finally my marriage.
It's these fears, worries, regrets and mistakes that will make for a better person. I'll look back and see how far I've come from that little tiny baby in the incubator to a hopefully somewhat more open person. Someone who doesn't find it a struggle to let people in, for fears of them abandoning me.
It's a new year, a new me and I'm ready to tell this story from the beginning.
Mum went to Rawene Hospital but they told her to go to Whangarei so off we went. Next thing I know, I'm in my very first helicopter ride going from Whangarei to Auckland Hospital. Once there my parents were faced with a tough decision to either abort or go to Waikato Hospital. They chose the latter, obviously. How lucky was I? Two helicopter rides in the space of 24 hours. Every kids dream right?
Having settled in at Waikato Hospital it was time. For some reason I just wanted out and didn't want to stay in any longer.
April 12th 1986: I'm finally here. Delivered via C section at 26 weeks and weighing in at 878 grams.
I spent the next 7 months of my life in an incubator, it became my world. It was the only thing I knew. I never had the chance to bond with my Mum. That feeling of being held against her chest. I didn't get to feel that. Even on the odd occasion when someone could hold me, it wasn't for very long. How as a child was I meant to know where I belonged? I felt alone. All I knew was myself and my incubator, oh and the millions of tubes that ran through my body to help me breath and feed.
I struggled to bond with anyone and only later as an adult would I realise how sometimes damaging and heart breaking that can be.
Two years later January 1988 my sister was born. I don't remember much from when we were kids and from seeing DS it can be quite 'normal' to not remember when you've had such traumatic experiences.
Fast forward a little to December 1989 my younger brother was born. Our family was growing and yet I still don't remember much of it. Maybe I learnt to block things out and it was the only way I knew how to cope.
Sadly at 20 months in August of 1991 my brother passed away in his sleep. The only thing I remember anyone saying was that he had Pneumonia. It was hard for my parents and they seperated for a while then Mum got pregnant (to Dad obviously). July 1992 my other brother was born. My parents seperated before he was born and stayed seperated till their divorce in 1995.
Sometime in all of that Mum met my step dad...and he had an instant family of 3 kids. They married May 1995. He introduced us to the church and we continued to go as a family till I was about 13/14. Then my family went off and on till they stopped going all together in 2005.
We moved around a lot as a kid which was hard for me...I'd make new friends then all of a sudden we'd be leaving and I never once had the chance to say goodbye to that friendship. In the space of 10 years we'd moved 5 times and that only includes moving to different towns not moving to a different house in the same town.
I never liked moving. I told myself when I have children I'm never moving. I hated the thought of always having to move and not being able to mourn the loss of a friendship because all I was, was a child and you don't really get a say in where your family is going to live when you're all of 10.
It was a rough first few years of my life...stuck in an incubator for 7 months, the loss of a brother, having to move so much, the loss of friends and finally not being able to bond with my Mum or Dad, or with anyone for that matter.
I learnt to keep to myself...I was the kid growing up who didn't have many friends but those friends I did have I always managed to attach myself to them as if my life depended on it.
Looking back had I have had that closeness with my family things could have been different both in my childhood heading into my teens and then into adulthood and finally my marriage.
It's these fears, worries, regrets and mistakes that will make for a better person. I'll look back and see how far I've come from that little tiny baby in the incubator to a hopefully somewhat more open person. Someone who doesn't find it a struggle to let people in, for fears of them abandoning me.
It's a new year, a new me and I'm ready to tell this story from the beginning.
Thinking Out Loud
There's that part of me that hopes sort of wonders that when our relationship changes that it'll be easy.
I tell myself and others that I'm doing really well and I really am...there is just that small part where I wonder if she was right when she said that I was in too deep and whether or not I will have the 'courage' to let go of our relationship and be friends.
I feel in working with DS that I'm starting to understand myself and my needs and that as hard as it is sometimes to say....or even think it but I am important and I really do deserve to be happy and with someone who loves me and wants to be with me, weaknesses and all.
I feel that right now as deep in as I am that I really am ok with moving on from it all...and only time will tell how much our relationship changes and in what regard it will actually change. It could be that maybe we lose that friendship or it could be that we become best friends either way whatever happens I know that I'll be ok and will be able to pull through all of it.
I tell myself and others that I'm doing really well and I really am...there is just that small part where I wonder if she was right when she said that I was in too deep and whether or not I will have the 'courage' to let go of our relationship and be friends.
I feel in working with DS that I'm starting to understand myself and my needs and that as hard as it is sometimes to say....or even think it but I am important and I really do deserve to be happy and with someone who loves me and wants to be with me, weaknesses and all.
I feel that right now as deep in as I am that I really am ok with moving on from it all...and only time will tell how much our relationship changes and in what regard it will actually change. It could be that maybe we lose that friendship or it could be that we become best friends either way whatever happens I know that I'll be ok and will be able to pull through all of it.
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Thinking
I tell myself I'm ok with everything and I really am, and no I'm not just saying that. I guess there are times when it hits me that sometimes things just aren't alway as they seem.
How do you move past everything and hope that it's just all going to be ok? Will our relationship change? Will it be awkward? Is it possible to just be friends? Am I strong enough to do that?
Aw
I have millions of questions that I have no idea what the answers are, or where to even start looking for them.
I may need to start praying to the Gods lol.
How do you move past everything and hope that it's just all going to be ok? Will our relationship change? Will it be awkward? Is it possible to just be friends? Am I strong enough to do that?
Aw
I have millions of questions that I have no idea what the answers are, or where to even start looking for them.
I may need to start praying to the Gods lol.
Sunday 5 February 2012
Handwriting Challenge
2. Handwrite the month and day you were born
3. Handwrite one of your parent’s names
4. Handwrite what color shirt your wearing right now
5. Handwrite what you want to do as a job
6. Handwrite your favorite number
7. Handwrite your favorite season of the year
8. Handwrite the country you currently live in
9. Handwrite a letter to someone who inspires you
Lifes Questions
There are times when I feel so sad that all I want is a hug from you. Times where I think about our life wondering how and where it all went wrong.
Were we doomed from the beginning? Was I not ready for a 'real life' relationship? Did I do it all for the wrong reasons? Was she right when she said you deserved better than me? Were we meant to go through what we did for a reason? So many question and not enough answers.
Sometimes I've sat and read journal entries from the beginning of our relationship and it was great...we had so much fun but as it went on and before we were even married we began to have problems.
Sure everyone had problems but ours, they started small and just got worse...I began to doubt myself and our relationship and then as we married I doubted myself even more. Even earlier on, I knew I had issues. I was scared of losing you. Aren't we all scared of that? Losing someone we love?
I regret a lot of the things I've done and if I could I'd have gone about things in a different way. A way in which didn't hurt as many people as it has. I truly am sorry for the hurt I have caused and even though you've forgiven me I know that deep down it won't ever stop hurting and I'm sorry for that as well.
I do hope that one day you can find the peace that you need to be able to move on with your life. You deserve to be happy, we both do.
I guess for me, I'm just trying to figure out what I'm meant to be doing with myself and slowly with the help of DS and seeing her every week I'm progressing. Sure I have a lot of work to do but no one is perfect nor are we able to reach perfection, though we can try and it's what I'm doing it's all I can do right now.
You really do deserve to be happy and I really mean it when I say I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end up like this and I'm sorry that you found out the way that you did, you deserved to have heard it from me and I'm sorry you didn't. I am grateful though that you heard it from someone who I knew would be there for you and would support you if and when you needed it.
I sincerely hope that you are in a better place and that you are getting the help and support that you need to be able to pull through all of this. I don't expect you to forget, but I do hope that one day you can look back on this and see that you were able to push past it all and just let go. Don't dwell on the past it'll only eat you alive and you deserve much more than that.
Were we doomed from the beginning? Was I not ready for a 'real life' relationship? Did I do it all for the wrong reasons? Was she right when she said you deserved better than me? Were we meant to go through what we did for a reason? So many question and not enough answers.
Sometimes I've sat and read journal entries from the beginning of our relationship and it was great...we had so much fun but as it went on and before we were even married we began to have problems.
Sure everyone had problems but ours, they started small and just got worse...I began to doubt myself and our relationship and then as we married I doubted myself even more. Even earlier on, I knew I had issues. I was scared of losing you. Aren't we all scared of that? Losing someone we love?
I regret a lot of the things I've done and if I could I'd have gone about things in a different way. A way in which didn't hurt as many people as it has. I truly am sorry for the hurt I have caused and even though you've forgiven me I know that deep down it won't ever stop hurting and I'm sorry for that as well.
I do hope that one day you can find the peace that you need to be able to move on with your life. You deserve to be happy, we both do.
I guess for me, I'm just trying to figure out what I'm meant to be doing with myself and slowly with the help of DS and seeing her every week I'm progressing. Sure I have a lot of work to do but no one is perfect nor are we able to reach perfection, though we can try and it's what I'm doing it's all I can do right now.
You really do deserve to be happy and I really mean it when I say I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end up like this and I'm sorry that you found out the way that you did, you deserved to have heard it from me and I'm sorry you didn't. I am grateful though that you heard it from someone who I knew would be there for you and would support you if and when you needed it.
I sincerely hope that you are in a better place and that you are getting the help and support that you need to be able to pull through all of this. I don't expect you to forget, but I do hope that one day you can look back on this and see that you were able to push past it all and just let go. Don't dwell on the past it'll only eat you alive and you deserve much more than that.
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