Moving On

I struggle some days wondering whether or not I should get in touch with you.  I wonder what you are doing.  How you are.  If you're doing okay.  I wonder how you would react to where I am in my life right now.  Would you be happy for me?  Sad?  Disappointed?

I miss everything I had then.  My life.  My friends.  You.  I've missed so much these past months.  So much is going on.  Birthdays.  Pregnancies.  Children's milestones.  I miss things about the life I had when I was with you but I'm also happy with where I am right now.

I have new friends, a new life and I have someone who loves me just as much as I love him if not that little bit more hehe.  I'm grateful for the experiences that I have had and am still going through but I'm grateful that at the end of the day I have always had that 1 person who has always been there for me and I'm grateful to her for that. 

As much as I miss my friends and wish things were different with them they won't be and I don't think we will ever get back to that point in our relationship. For now I'll carry with me the memories of the things we did and the moments we shared together and remember the great times we had when things were all "perfect"

Blah!

I guess I don't really know what to think. I'm confused about what to think and feel about the whole situation. I care about him so much that maybe its easier to cool things off a little. It wasn't done intentionally. We really didn't mean to make things awkward but it happened and now I'm unsure how I feel about it.

Feeling a bit blah about everything...what to do what to do

In Loving Memory

It's a sad day today as I bid farewell to my iPhone. We've been through a lot together and now we sadly must part ways.  I'm trying to find out if she can be replaced but for now my phone is in a plastic bag waiting to see if she will be resurrected :(

Family Matters

My cousins Adam and Lani were visiting NZ a couple weeks ago since moving to Australia nearly a year ago and while here they stopped in to pick me up and away we went to the hot pools.

I'll admit it was hard to hang out with them. These were the 2 cousins who came to Auckland at least once a month to hang out with J and I playing buzz junior games till all hours of the morning. It was sad in a way to hang out with them and not have J there. It was as if something was missing from our 'foursome' that it wasn't really the same without J. I thought about him a few times while out with them.

Reminiscing over the fun things we all did together and the adventures we went on. It really was the four of us.

Adam and I caught up on all of the gossip. From family, food, work, boyfriends, lovers, dating and J everything really it's what we do.

It was hard talking about J and it still is hard to talk about him but I'm getting there and slowly learning to open up and push past it all. Slow and small steps. Seeing Dolly really helps and I'm grateful to have her as one of my people. She helps me to answer or ask myself questions I might not have thought of.

Things are slowly starting to look up for me and I'm trying to let go of the past and move on with my life. Work is great and keeps me busy. What more could I ask for right now?

I've got great friends, a family who have been supportive of me throughout the whole J situation. I've been adopted into 2 awesome families who help keep me somewhat sane and grounded when my own immediate family isn't here. Things really are great right now.

Then there is Milla who has been there for me year after year after year. She's my person and the one who at 4am wouldn't be surprised to receive a text from me. The one I always went to for advice, to complain too, share my secrets with and after all of these years it amazes me we still haven't met yet can still manage to tell each other everything. Weirdos. Lol.

On top of all of that I also have Martin. My best friend and my lover. He's been my other person these past several months and I don't know what I'd have done without him. I'm grateful to have him in my life and as we move on I look forward to seeing what happens in the future.

I love my life now bring on the rest of 2012!

Happy Birthday

For the last 8 birthdays I celebrated with J and/or family and not having either of them here I was in someway worried about the day. I wasn't really looking forward to celebrating without any family here and wondered what it would be like.  My first birthday not with J or family. 

I really didn't have anything to worry about. I got a midnight happy birthday phone call from Martin. I woke up to texts and FB messages from friends and family. I received 5 birthday cards from Martin. Lunch date with Raya then I had an awesome dinner with Lee-Anne and the Rodings.

I really felt spoilt today and I'm so grateful to have people in my life who are all now like family too me. I'm grateful for the people who took time out to welcome me to their family and make my birthday feel special for me.

All in all it was a better birthday than I thought it would be. Looking forward to next years birthday for sure. So much can change in a year. :)

Hanging Out

I enjoy the time we get to spend together and the long talks we get to have about our relationship and where we see it heading. It's nice to know that we're both reading the same book and seem to be on the same page.

We really don't get to spend as much time together as we would like but I know our daily phone calls make up for the distance. I also know that when we do get to see each other we make the most of our time and make sure to do lots of random things.

Geocaching being one of them and me being scared to death by these 2 crazy dogs barking there heads off while we searched in the bushes for our cache.

Or trying to feed these random horses and all I can think is 'Please horse, please don't bite me' lol. Or watching as one horse tried to 'pick a fight' with the horse I was trying to feed.

I do love our time together and I'm glad that even though we don't get to see each other a lot that when we do it's not all about sexes. I'm grateful to have him in my life and I'm def looking forward to his visit in May.

Officially 'Normal'

I've always either classed our relationship as friends, friends with benefits or most recently weird and complicated.

While it is complicated and weird, to me it's not, well not in the sense where I'm always having to say I'm in a officially weird relationship.

We both know that there will be people who will find it weird and not right but when we look and think about our relationship we shouldn't have to say that we are in an officially weird relationship. Weird or not it's a relationship.

Eventually I'm sure it will progress and whatever happens happens, but for now we will take each day as it comes and enjoy being in a relationship together.

Box Of Memories

Every time I try and sort through our things I always find it difficult. It's hard to have to sit and wade through letters, photos, wedding cards, anniversary presents and gifts we gave each other or received from other people.

I've tried so many times to go through the box but there are just too many memories and it's hard not to go through it without feeling all emotional and sad.

We had some really good times and looking in you were the person who could've given me everything that I wanted, but at the same time I wasn't happy, we both weren't happy.

It's hard to just forget or try to get over someone who you were with for 7 years but I'm trying to deal with the motions of it all. I'm trying to grieve the relationship, which as Dolly says isn't a bad thing.

I hope one day that if and when our paths cross again that we can smile and be happy for each other wherever we are in our lives. We used to be best friends and I'm sorry that we're not anymore.

Just so you know, the time we did have together as hard as it was, there were more happy times for me then there were sad. It was a rough ride for us but we really were happy and we really did love each other, things just didn't end up the way that we had hoped and I'm sorry for that too.

I really do hope we can both move past this and just be happy for ourselves and for each other. You are a great guy and you deserve to be happy, we both do.