Sometimes you must forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

I had every intention of waiting.  I thought that he would see that the decisions and choices he was making weren't the "best" for him. I thought that he'd see through the deception and the manipulation instead, he saw it from a 'It is what it is" perspective.

I never expected that my 2018 would end like this at all. I thought that we had more time and I honestly thought stupidly that I was enough. I wasn't.  The only upside is that I can end my 2018 on a shit note and then go into 2019 not having to worry about what will happen. Or if I'm waiting for someone who didn't want me.

I don't regret the choices I made or falling in love.  I am sad and hurt that I got stuck in the middle of something where they felt they wanted and needed to play games and have power because I deserved better than that. I didn't ask for any of this but it happened and I can only move past it. Even though it hurts and I'm sad like the subject says, sometimes I have to forget what I feel and remember what I deserve.

I'm definitely the girl who needs companionship. That shit makes me happy. Unfortunately for me I'm way too nice and fall for the ones I shouldn't because I think I can save them. Because I think that we all deserve this "fairy tale" romantic relationship. The reality of that is, I know it's not true and it's totally not possible but hey a girl can totally still dream.

I feel okay about what happened and I'm glad that I know now that I can just move on and not have to start off my new year with a "what if". It's time to let go and figure out what 2019 has in store for me.  As I have always said, things can only get better from here.

Now hurry up and get here 2019!

Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I'm drowning.

This past week has been hard. We went from lets go through this together to, I need space and I don't really know how to ask for it. Things happened that led to me having to "walk away". That hurt more than I thought but the reality of our situation is that, even though I didn't have a choice in any of it and even though yes I said I would walk away if he had asked it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I'm lucky that I've got good supportive friends who help me deal with my shit and I'm lucky that said friends still want to spend time with me even though I'm all Debbie downer. The hurt is still there and I think it will be there a while but I'm trying. I don't know how long it will take for the hurt to go away or if it will go away but I do know the only thing I can do is TRY.

I miss the conversations we'd have and it's difficult at times when things keep happening that I find myself wishing I could tell him all about it. Don't get me wrong, I've been tempted too. I've even stared at my phone and thought how easy it would be to just message but I know I can't. He messaged the other day and my reply was so cold. It was straight forward and to the point. I hated doing it but I knew it was the only thing I could do to protect myself. There were so many things I wanted to say to him but I knew it wasn't "right". He's decided to choose this life and I need to find the strength that I know I have to move on or away from this situation, even if it hurts.

I don't know what will happen over the next few weeks, months or year but all I can do is be myself. To try and deal with this in whatever way works for me. Whether that's to blog, cry, party, drink, or be Debbie downer for a month I really don't know. I do know that there are some days I'm going to hate him, love him, wish we were together, wish we'd never met, wished things could have been different but I know at the end of it, I'll come out stronger and better for it having gone through this situation.

It's nearly 2019 time to try and get in some goals and focus on myself and studies and figure out where I feel like my life is, needs to be or is headed.

I wasn’t expecting that...

A couple of times in your life, it happens like that. You meet a stranger, and all you know is you need to know everything about them.

Four months ago, this stranger came crashing into my life and for the first 96 hours we'd message constantly trying to find out everything we could about each other. Work and school were put on hold and for those first 4 days we opened up to each other in a way I never knew was possible. He shared it all with me. There wasn't a whole lot we'd missed talking about in those first 96 hours.

When we met for the first time it had felt like we'd know each other in a previous life. We were both so comfortable and there was never a moment of awkward silence. We laughed. He had the best smile and the kindest eyes. We ate the messiest food you could ever have on a first date and enjoyed hearing each other’s stories in more detail. The hours went by so fast as we talked into the night. about our families, our relationships, my health issues, his children, everything.  Neither of us wanted to sleep and as we laid there next to each other it was crazy to think that only 96 hours previously that this stranger had come crashing into my life and that the very first thought that came to my mind was, I wasn’t expecting that. 

It was important to me that we went on dates and spent time with each other. We’d have little 3-hour McDonalds dates or dates at the movies. Sometimes we’d go away to Paihia, dates were important to me and I’m glad that he wanted to date me as much as I did him. As cheesy as it is almost 2 months in, we confessed our love. We were happy and wanted to spend as much time together as we could. We would drive to see each other and spend weekends together. Every time we had to leave it got harder. 

A few weeks back we had a date in Paihia. I never knew then that it would be one of the last dates we’d go on. It was by far our best date ever. We checked into our motel, had drinks and had an amazing awesome relaxing spa together drinking on bubbles like we were living some fancy lifestyle. This man made me happy. He made me smile and I didn’t want the date to end. We went to dinner, laughed, had fun then we went out on the town like some young couple in love and had more drinks. The next day we checked out had breakfast before parking up in front of the beach laying together talking and crying and just enjoying being with each other. I didn’t want to leave but we knew our date had to come to an end and we needed to go back to our “normal lives”. As hard as it is for us to leave, we always had that thought of “we would see each other again soon then”. 

Things went south last weekend when we went away, and it was then that I knew I needed to get out. Not because he was hurting me, or because we didn’t love each other but because it was the right thing to do. I nearly left when he was sleeping because I couldn’t deal with the fact that we were about to hurt each other by ending our relationship. I left him sleeping packed my shit and sat there watching him sleep trying to find the courage to leave. Trying to be brave to just walk out and not have to deal with the aftermath of what was going to happen. I couldn’t do that to him and I couldn’t do that to myself. Why would I want to put either of us through that? Instead, I could just leave, and we’d never have to see each other again. I could do that, and it would be easier.  At the same time, I knew I couldn’t do that. I knew we needed to talk, and I couldn’t just leave. I woke him up and so began our rough, crazy, sad, hard, every emotion under the sun weekend. 

For the next 36 hours we’d spend it doing a mix of laughing, crying, having fun, watching the rest of a TV show we’d started together, cooking together, enjoying the view from the deck. I struggled, and I could feel my heart slowly breaking with every passing hour knowing that once I left, I wouldn’t be coming back. I never knew I could cry as much as I did in those 36 hours. I loved being with this man yet at the same time I knew it was about to end and that hurt more than I thought it would.  I always said from the beginning that if meeting me helped him in some way that I would be okay with whatever happened with us. I was, and I am okay I just thought we had more time. It wasn’t meant to end like this. We were supposed to have more time. We still had things we were meant to do but we knew we couldn’t keep going. We knew it would only hurt us more if we did. 

Neither of us knows what will happen but right now in this moment this is the right thing to do for him. I love him enough that I can let him go. As much as it hurts me and makes me sad, I want him to be sure that he’s making the right choice for him and if he chooses to walk away from the things that have kept him where he is now then that is on his terms. Not because of me, or because of other people’s choices but because of him. He needs to go on this journey without me and as much as I would have loved to have gone on it with him I can’t. He is stronger than he thinks, and I would like to hope that in some way I helped him become the stronger person that he is today. He is an amazing man and I’m lucky that for the last 4 months I got to spend time falling, loving and being loved by him. My heart hurts and it will still hurt for a while, but we have memories and we are still friends. We didn’t end our relationship on bad terms so while it may have just been easier to hate each other and get out of each other’s lives for good we decided to be there for each other as friends and see if we can’t get through this together. Yes, it may sound fucked up because why go through the hurt of that, but I honestly think that for the both of us not having each other in our lives would hurt more. 

It’s been 3 days since I last saw him, and it has been the longest 3 days of my life. I know that the both of us are emotionally and physically drained, but we are trying to get through this. We can’t go through what we did and just end it all as if it didn’t happen. As if it meant nothing. We’ve continued to message and chat when we can, but he’s been away for work which makes it easier and difficult all at the same time having to try and deal with the motions of everything. 

I really have no idea what will happen, but I do know that I don’t regret any of it. I knew what I was getting into from the beginning I just didn’t know how deep I would fall. I fell in love with a man who was himself. He didn’t have to be anyone else but himself and that was the man I fell in love with. A man who made me smile, laugh, feel good, and who loved me for me. A man who loved with all that he had. 

If he chooses to stay where he is and make things work or if he chooses to leave and pursue something different my only hope is that he makes the right choice for him. Not for his family, his kids or his work but for him. Despite everything we’ve been through, the hurt and sadness he still deserves happiness. I’ve always said I would be here for him as a friend and even though it’s hard to believe, my opinion and advise to him won’t ever be clouded by my emotion. I want him to be the happy that he deserves. The MJ happy. 

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into our lives to show us what is right and wrong, to show us who we can be, to teach us to love ourselves, to make us feel better for a while or to just be someone to walk with and share our lives with. That is us. We came into each other’s lives for a reason and even if it wasn’t meant to be, we can be grateful for what we’ve given each other already.  

Maybe we are that couple who met the right people at the wrong time and that’s okay too. Life has a crazy way of throwing us curve balls and no one really knows what life is going to throw at us. We can only hope for the best and take what we can from this and either choose to be bitter or be grateful for the experiences it has taught us. 

I can’t speak for MJ but regardless of what happens next week, next month or a year from now and despite how cheesy this is there will always be a corner of my heart that is always his. Not for now or until I find someone else, I mean forever. Whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again there will always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to him. I loved him with all that I had, and I still do BUT I also love him enough to let him go out on this journey of self-discovery. To figure out if this is the life he wants. The love that he wants. I can do that for him because even though it hurts me I love him enough to let him go. 

Feelings For You

Some say I'm too sensitive but the truth is I just feel too much. Every word, every action and every energy goes straight to my heart. I’ve always been the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.  The girl who cares too much, falls too fast, loves too hard and still gets back up and loves just as hard the next time. I’m the girl who everyone can tell when she’s happy or sad, whether that’s a good or bad thing I really don’t know.

There have been times when I’ve wished I wasn’t that girl. Sometimes I think, why can’t I be the girl who puts on a brave face and acts as if everything is okay?  Or the girl who loves with only a little of her heart rather than the whole thing?  Maybe I want to be the girl who only gives a little of herself to people? It’s so hard caring and loving as much as I do but I know I wouldn’t be myself if I wasn’t the girl who loved and cared with all she had.

I can’t change who I am and even though I struggle with the insecurities of letting people in; if I do let you in, it must mean you’re an important person to me. It also means that I will care for you to the ends of the earth and back again. I know that can be a bit overwhelming for some and to be honest I’m probably hard work, but I’ve never once had someone tell me that I’ve been a bad friend/family member.

Just the other day an elderly lady came up to me in the supermarket car park and asked about my car. She mentioned that she had been looking at getting the same kind of car and wanted to know all about it.  What turned into a quick 5-minute pop in and pop out trip to the supermarket ended up being a half hour conversation. She asked about my voice, my life and we talked about her life. Then out of nowhere she asked if she could pray for me so there in the car park she prayed. She was so kind and sweet and proceeded to tell me that she can see why I would want to do nursing. She told me that I was kind-hearted. That when I love I love with all of me. I was in awe that from our 30-minute conversation she picked up on the kind of person I am. It was a nice reminder that even though there are days when I wished I wasn’t “me” that strangers can see who I am just from a small conversation.  There really are some amazing people out there and it was such a humbling experience for me to have this stranger say such nice things about me.

I know that there are downfalls to caring so much because being who I am, my emotions “control” how I feel which at times can affect how my day goes to how I communicate with people. It’s something that I know I need to work on but then I also know that it’s not really something I can “work on”.  I either be the girl who cares and loves with all that she has, or I be the girl who doesn’t love and care at all and we all know that isn’t going to happen.

Life is too short. We need to make the most of the people and relationships we have in our lives. Now go out there and tell those people you love them.

It's just emotion

Today was one of those days where everything was just one big huge emotional thing right after the other. 

My family were getting the better of me. I was letting what they were saying and doing get to me. It was pissing me off and then it just felt like everything else was just shit on top of shit. 

I'm not sure what it is about today but it's definitely been an emotional one. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's shark week. Maybe the emotional God's are ganging up on me.  Honestly it could be anything. I mean it could even be MJ and that whole crazy situation. 

I know this is a rambling and lacking content post but I really just needed to type something out. I've been listening to music and crying at stupid shit for the last hour and nothing is working sooo I'm rambling here about nothing and hoping it works. 

Headed north Friday. Looking forward to it but I know we'll end up having D&Ms. We always do. They're not bad but I know it's getting harder. Time will tell. For now I just want Friday to hurry up and get here so I can get away from all the crazy. 

Facebook Memories

Facebook memories can either be a good or a bad thing. 

This morning I woke up to be reminded that this time 7 years ago my marriage was in the early stages of ending. At the time I thought my life was over. J was the biggest part of my life and for the last 8 years it was J and I against the world (and at times, each other).  How was I meant to move past someone who was such an important person in my life. We were meant to be together forever.  J was honestly all I knew. I had friends but when you're a 17 year old in a serious relationship with someone who is 6 years older than you, you kinda just grow up quickly. For the next year and a half we continued to date, court and by the time I was 19 we were engaged and married within 3 months.

As it always is in the beginning our marriage was great.  We loved each other and we were planning our life together in Auckland.  We made friends and I couldn't imagine ever living a life without J in it.  Unfortunately I made choices and decisions that would later end my marriage. Looking back my biggest regret was hurting someone I loved.  I grew up religious and I thought that even though I continued to hurt J that we just had to stay and work it out because it was the "right thing" to do.  I didn't know there was another way. I'm not blaming religion for the choices I made because I chose to hurt someone I loved I guess I'm more trying to say I wished I knew there were other ways to get out of an unhappy marriage without hurting people.

It's been 7 year now and even though I wished my marriage ended on more amicable terms I know that had it not ended the way it did I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm no longer just "J's wife". I'm just Teesh.  I'm the girl who is still tying to find her place in the world. The girl who gives pretty much everything a go.  Life is too short and the only thing we can do is take it by the horns and just run with it.

I've spent the last 7 years trying to figure out who I am and what I'm doing with my life. It isn't always butterflies and rainbows but right now my life really is amazing.  I have friends. My family are an important part of my life. My trachy journey s nearly over and done with and I'm in school studying to be a nurse.  I would never have imagined that 7 years ago this would be where I am and even though things happened that shouldn't have to get me here I am grateful that I am here where I am in my life right now. 

I have no clue what kind of crazy the world will throw at me but I honestly believe that if I can get through a divorce and having to live life with a trachy I can get through anything. It's nearly a new year and I'm super excited to see what is behind the door of 2019.

Life can only ever get better right?

Happy Anniversary

This time three years ago my life changed for the better. Some would say it changed for the worse but given where I am in my life now I can only say it's changed for the better. 

After a month of breathing difficulties, repeated visits to the ER, and the Dr's telling my family things were touch and go I received a tracheostomy. In that short space of a month I had given up a new job I was excited to start, my nanny kids were now with someone else, I gave up my home and the only thing I could think was, my life is over. 

I was forced into something I never chose. I didn't want to move out of Auckland and I didn't want to move north to live with my grandparents. I wanted normal. Why couldn't I have normaI? Why did I have to be the girl who had a tube sticking out of her neck? Why did this have to happen to me? 

I definitely had a pity party and for the first 6 months I didn't do anything. I couldn't stand being up north. Loved being with my grandparents but that was it. I didn't love anything else. I think the biggest thing for me was my insecurities. For some reason I cared what people would think. Would they stare? Would they judge? Would they laugh? How will I make friends with a trachy? All I did was hide and hoped my life would go back to "normal". 

Seven or eight months in I found the attitude of "screw this", if someone doesn't like me as trachy Teesh then they don't get to know me without a trachy. I didn't know when that would be BUT I knew when it did I'd only want people in my life who took the time to get to know me with the trachy. Once my outlook on having the trachy changed that was when I really started to feel more confident within myself. I could either choose to live a miserable life or I could make the most of it. Unbeknown to me for the next two and a half years my life would change immensely. 

I spent most of 2016 travelling back and forth to Auckland every 2 weeks for surgery. Trying different techniques in the hopes that we wouldn't have to do any sort of major surgery. I'd had around 10 procedures in the space of 6 months which was rough but I know it needed to be done. In between surgery I was also travelling to Wellington to spend time with a guy I thought would turn into something more. It didn't, but we are still friends and we made the most of our time together by seeing Wellington and even taking the ferry to Picton where we drove to and spent the night in Nelson. 

Sometime in 2017 my surgeon and I decided that we needed to go for the more invasive treatment plan. Things weren't progressing and it had already been a year and a half with no change. I was referred to another surgeon and away we went. We discussed a plan of a attack and then we waited. 

It was October when I finally heard back and a date was set for surgery which was early November. They'd had me down to stay 7-10 days which eventually turned into 20 days. It was a rough 20 days. I couldn't eat. I couldn't talk. I had to write with a whiteboard. I had an NG tube down my nose and I just wanted real food. I was over it. Aside from all of that, the surgery went well, I was discharged and we were hopefully one step closer to getting the trachy removed. 

If you've ever spent time in hospital especially if you're from out of town the patients and your nurse are the ones who become your friends. They are the ones there at 1am if you're awake and can't sleep. In the 20 days I was there I made friends with 6 of the patients. It helped that they were all in my room but honestly, some of the best times for me have been making friends with someone who is in a similar situation as you. 

Christmas and New Years came. J and I went to Australia to see my family both in Perth and Brisbane then I popped over to NSW to see a friend for a few days. Arrived home from Australia early January, started my classes at northtech then a few days into class I was back to Auckland for surgery. They did another quick procedure. Happy with how everything was looking and I was home and discharged 2 days later. 

For the next couple of months I focused on school. Or trying too. I had made new friends and I was feeling like everything was going to work out the way it was meant too. In April I had an in clinic appointment where we discussed capping the trachy. At first they said to just do it at random times. The first week I never did it at all. Again insecurities kicked in but once I got over myself I put that cap on and never took it off, ever. 

I've not told a lot of people this but in the 3 years that I've spent in the hospital I've always had this feeling of wanting to go to school and be a nurse. Even before I got the trachy it was something I had considered but I couldn't afford to be poor student and live in Auckland so I kept working. When I moved to Whangarei I thought, maybe this will work now? 

In May I followed up with my Dr and my case manager to see if I could go private or to find out when I'd be in Auckland next. There was no set date yet, but I was told it wouldn't be before the 6th of June. I was due to fly to Australia on the 29th. I couldn't risk that I'd get a phone call last minute and miss an appointment so I cancelled my Australia trip. I was sad to not go but I knew that my future goals were more important than a 4 week holiday to Brisbane. Plus, I knew I'd go for the December/January holidays. June 6th rolled around and I emailed my case manager again. Still nothing. We were really pushing for time because if I wanted to do nursing I needed to get this sorted. Finally on the 26th as is always the case I received a phone call to say they'd booked me in for decannulation for the 28th. I was nervous, excited and relieved that something was finally happening. 

It was a slow and long couple of days at the hospital. My first night the trachy stayed in. They wanted to monitor my CO² levels and saturation but Friday would be D day. Literally. I woke up Friday and away we went. It was a couple hours later that we took the trachy out. The hole was covered with gauze and tape, I was monitored for the next 24 hours and discharged the next day. My talking still is and will always be a breathy but we knew going in that the compromise of being able to breath could possibly change the way I talk. I have been asked a few times if I have a cold which I laugh and say I wish it was a cold but I use to have a trachy lol. I know it's probably a conversation killer but hey, they bring it up not me lol. 

It's been two weeks since they've taken the trachy out and it still feels weird. I can breath, the hole is still there and closing more everyday but it's so different for me to not have the trachy. 

These last 3 years have been some of the best and some of the worst times for me. I've grown so much as a person. I have an amazing relationship with my grandparents that I'd not have had if I didn't get sick. I made new friends. I reconnected with old school friends. I met family I didn't even know I had and I even got to know and become close with a couple of my Aunties as an adult as opposed to being some little kid. 

Slowly but surely, my life is actually coming together. I know it's a weird thing to say but I'm grateful to have had the trachy. I honestly don't think I would be the person I am today had I not got it. 

Never did I imagine I would have had a trachy for 3 years and never would I have imagined that they'd even get it out, but they did. After everything I've gone through the icing on the cake is, I've been accepted into the Bachelor of Nursing which starts in 2 weeks. Who would have thought that this is where I would be?

I'm happy, nervous and excited but most of all I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter of the findingteesh chronicles. 

To train or not to train

Today we went on the train from Whangarei to Portland. They're closing it down for 10 years to do some work on it so we went as a family on train.

I'd never been and I actually thought it would be boring but all the kids had fun,
J enjoyed it and Poppa had a nice time reminiscing about "old times".

J and I sat on the wrong side of the train but still managed to get some photos which was good.

It was an awesome day out and even though I have an assignment due and wasn't going to go out I'm glad I went.

The rest of my day was spent resting, studying and I also meal prepped for the week. Kransky, stuffed mushrooms and steamed cabbage. More to come on that and my health over the next few days. 

Since I've deleted fb this maybe a good opportunity to keep up with the blog. I always say that and it never happens, but it's nearly April a new month is about to start things can only look up. Let's go!