Tonight I took the higher ground and messaged him.
I felt the least he could do was give me an explanation as to why he felt it was ok to do what they did to me. I needed him to know what he did wasn't ok and how much it hurt. You're not meant to treat your friends the way he let her treat me.
She was angry with him and he let her take it out on me. That's never ok and I'm glad I told him it wasn't ok.
I've lost a friend but I've gained a better understanding about myself and know that of all the things I've been through including this I can totally pull through it. It's been a rough couple days who am I kidding week but I'm so grateful for friends and family who have been there for me.
I'm glad I had the courage to stand up for myself and that I was the one who took the higher ground.
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
Let Her Go
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go
The day I left I was stood in the kitchen bawling my eyes out in his arms not because we weren't going to be together but because I was sad and scared of losing a best friend if he chose to pursue something with her. I've heard it 3 times now today and everytime I hear it my heart breaks just that little bit more.
How am I meant to get past the fact that music was our thing. I hear songs on the radio that remind me of him and even as I type this yet another song is playing. I don't know how I am meant to pull through it all when there are so many things that remind me of him. I am so happy that he has found someone who will make him happy. He deserves to be happy. I just don't know how we can go from talking everyday for the past month to nothing in 2 days? What happened? I was meant to be his best friend. I was meant to be the person he didn't want to not have in his life.
Perhaps my gf is right maybe I need to listen to some gangstah rap! It might just pull me out of this funk I seem to be in at the moment.
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go
The day I left I was stood in the kitchen bawling my eyes out in his arms not because we weren't going to be together but because I was sad and scared of losing a best friend if he chose to pursue something with her. I've heard it 3 times now today and everytime I hear it my heart breaks just that little bit more.
How am I meant to get past the fact that music was our thing. I hear songs on the radio that remind me of him and even as I type this yet another song is playing. I don't know how I am meant to pull through it all when there are so many things that remind me of him. I am so happy that he has found someone who will make him happy. He deserves to be happy. I just don't know how we can go from talking everyday for the past month to nothing in 2 days? What happened? I was meant to be his best friend. I was meant to be the person he didn't want to not have in his life.
Perhaps my gf is right maybe I need to listen to some gangstah rap! It might just pull me out of this funk I seem to be in at the moment.
Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Him
As I sit here and ponder the last few days. I'm left wondering Where it all went wrong? What made him do what he did? Was it all a game to him? Did he tell me what I wanted to hear? Whatever the reason I'm not going to be bitter about it or at him. Sure I'm hurt but I can get past this as I have done so many other things I've gone through in my life.
Sometimes I feel sad and sorry for him because maybe he didn't want to hurt me but didn't know how to be the "mean" guy and let me down gently. Maybe he's not as emotionally mature as I thought he was. I really do hope that whatever happens that they make each other happy.
I don't know what parts of the weekend were real for him or what parts were a game. I don't even know if any of the weekend was real for him. I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for him to lie to my face the whole weekend. Sure I can go on about how he's a jerk or call him every name under the sun but what would that accomplish? It doesn't make me any better than it does him. As much as I wished I'd have left Friday or Saturday when things turned pear shape I'm glad I stayed the whole weekend. I got to see the whole weekend out and come away from it all somewhat sad but also glad I won't have what if's or regrets.
I'm glad I can move on and away from the weekend knowing that I did everything right. I was the person who was there for him when he needed me. I was the person who helped him through it all. I was the one who tried to help him see the clearer picture. I thought after we spent 9 hours in bed Saturday talking it meant something but I'm not going to dwell on what I could change or would change about the weekend.
All in all the weekend was actually really great. I learnt a lot about myself and him and it made me realise that I'm ready to be in a relationship. I hope that one day he realises how what he did was wrong and that there were better ways he could've gone about all of it. I really do wish him the best. After everything that he's going through and has gone through he deserves to be happy. I only wish that he saw what I saw in him, her, them and everything else that is going on in his life.
I will miss his friendship, the lyrics, the songs, the random jokes, the awesome accent, the food pictures but most of all I will miss the guy I thought I was getting to know. The guy I thought wanted the same things as me. The guy I thought was someone different. Maybe he doesn't really exist?
Sometimes I feel sad and sorry for him because maybe he didn't want to hurt me but didn't know how to be the "mean" guy and let me down gently. Maybe he's not as emotionally mature as I thought he was. I really do hope that whatever happens that they make each other happy.
I don't know what parts of the weekend were real for him or what parts were a game. I don't even know if any of the weekend was real for him. I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for him to lie to my face the whole weekend. Sure I can go on about how he's a jerk or call him every name under the sun but what would that accomplish? It doesn't make me any better than it does him. As much as I wished I'd have left Friday or Saturday when things turned pear shape I'm glad I stayed the whole weekend. I got to see the whole weekend out and come away from it all somewhat sad but also glad I won't have what if's or regrets.
I'm glad I can move on and away from the weekend knowing that I did everything right. I was the person who was there for him when he needed me. I was the person who helped him through it all. I was the one who tried to help him see the clearer picture. I thought after we spent 9 hours in bed Saturday talking it meant something but I'm not going to dwell on what I could change or would change about the weekend.
All in all the weekend was actually really great. I learnt a lot about myself and him and it made me realise that I'm ready to be in a relationship. I hope that one day he realises how what he did was wrong and that there were better ways he could've gone about all of it. I really do wish him the best. After everything that he's going through and has gone through he deserves to be happy. I only wish that he saw what I saw in him, her, them and everything else that is going on in his life.
I will miss his friendship, the lyrics, the songs, the random jokes, the awesome accent, the food pictures but most of all I will miss the guy I thought I was getting to know. The guy I thought wanted the same things as me. The guy I thought was someone different. Maybe he doesn't really exist?
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Time
It always comes down to the same thing with us: Time.
He doesn't have enough of it. Lives with her. Sees her everyday. Sees me for 2/3 days out of every 2 months. Still wants to make sure to spend time with her. Yet I'm the one who is being selfish. Not really sure how that works.
I deserve my own someone. Not her someone. He won't be my someone and I'm too selfish to think he should spend time with me.
Over it sometimes.
He doesn't have enough of it. Lives with her. Sees her everyday. Sees me for 2/3 days out of every 2 months. Still wants to make sure to spend time with her. Yet I'm the one who is being selfish. Not really sure how that works.
I deserve my own someone. Not her someone. He won't be my someone and I'm too selfish to think he should spend time with me.
Over it sometimes.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
2013 A New Year
Happy 2013!!
As I embark on yet another year it's time to look back and see where this 'finding Teesh' person is and how she's getting along lol.
So much has happened but it's been a great 2012 and I'm looking forward to 2013.
Reading back on entries over the year it's hard to believe I'm where I am today. I went from being married to having nothing...No job. No money. I owed money to the bank. It was a rough ride. I'm glad I had supportive people. Now a year on I'm almost out of debt. I own my car. I live in a awesome new place. I'm working full time and of course PT with my nanny kids. I'm less stressed than I was a year ago.
2013 is going to be a great year. Lots of changes to come and I'm looking forward to finding myself even more.
As I embark on yet another year it's time to look back and see where this 'finding Teesh' person is and how she's getting along lol.
So much has happened but it's been a great 2012 and I'm looking forward to 2013.
Reading back on entries over the year it's hard to believe I'm where I am today. I went from being married to having nothing...No job. No money. I owed money to the bank. It was a rough ride. I'm glad I had supportive people. Now a year on I'm almost out of debt. I own my car. I live in a awesome new place. I'm working full time and of course PT with my nanny kids. I'm less stressed than I was a year ago.
2013 is going to be a great year. Lots of changes to come and I'm looking forward to finding myself even more.
Sunday, 18 November 2012
Family Matters
It's been a mix of happy weird fun busy and crazy kind of weekend.
I've known they were visiting for a while and I thought that maybe the idea of meeting would happen but it didn't. Sure they all want to spend time as a family and they don't get to see each other a lot but there's me as well. I guess even though it makes me sad it also makes me realize I'm not part of that family. I don't even think I will be part of it.
Sometimes I wish he would just make things more clearer about what he wanted with us with her. I wish he'd stand up for us rather than back down and make it more about it. I'm important but I'm just not important enough I guess.
I've known they were visiting for a while and I thought that maybe the idea of meeting would happen but it didn't. Sure they all want to spend time as a family and they don't get to see each other a lot but there's me as well. I guess even though it makes me sad it also makes me realize I'm not part of that family. I don't even think I will be part of it.
Sometimes I wish he would just make things more clearer about what he wanted with us with her. I wish he'd stand up for us rather than back down and make it more about it. I'm important but I'm just not important enough I guess.
Saturday, 22 September 2012
Chasing Pavements
Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
----
Today I embark on a new journey which in a way is a sad but also happy journey.
A new place to live, new flat mates, new surroundings, a new start on life and hopefully a better year for me.
What was meant to be a great exciting happy day started as a crappy heartbreaking one.
As most people know I'm in what some may call an open relationship and as this past year and a bit has gone on we've for sure had our ups and downs mostly ups than downs but its at times a complicated relationship :-/
Today on top of moving out...we've decided to take a break. With everything going on in our lives I guess we need to figure out if we have the time in our lives to be able to be the kind of boyfriend or girlfriend that each other deserves.
I spent the first few hours of my morning upset and unsure of what or how I felt. I guess I feel a mix of emotions. A part of me thinks the break will be good. Another part of me can't stand the thought of taking the break and it just makes me sad.
A friend told me today that right now it will seem like Martin is my everything and there are times when it does feel like that which is why I have an outside person (non sexual of course) who when I need to talk I can go to her. The down side of Martin being my everything is that he was already someone else's everything as well.
At the end of this week whatever happens I will look back and remember the good times. Maybe moving house and becoming independent means that it also means Martin and I move to just being friends. It's not what I want but if our relationship is stressing him out I'd rather we end it.
It's going to be a hard week and already it's been a hard day but I've moved in and now it's time to unpack everything and maybe get an early night.
Time will tell.....
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
----
Today I embark on a new journey which in a way is a sad but also happy journey.
A new place to live, new flat mates, new surroundings, a new start on life and hopefully a better year for me.
What was meant to be a great exciting happy day started as a crappy heartbreaking one.
As most people know I'm in what some may call an open relationship and as this past year and a bit has gone on we've for sure had our ups and downs mostly ups than downs but its at times a complicated relationship :-/
Today on top of moving out...we've decided to take a break. With everything going on in our lives I guess we need to figure out if we have the time in our lives to be able to be the kind of boyfriend or girlfriend that each other deserves.
I spent the first few hours of my morning upset and unsure of what or how I felt. I guess I feel a mix of emotions. A part of me thinks the break will be good. Another part of me can't stand the thought of taking the break and it just makes me sad.
A friend told me today that right now it will seem like Martin is my everything and there are times when it does feel like that which is why I have an outside person (non sexual of course) who when I need to talk I can go to her. The down side of Martin being my everything is that he was already someone else's everything as well.
At the end of this week whatever happens I will look back and remember the good times. Maybe moving house and becoming independent means that it also means Martin and I move to just being friends. It's not what I want but if our relationship is stressing him out I'd rather we end it.
It's going to be a hard week and already it's been a hard day but I've moved in and now it's time to unpack everything and maybe get an early night.
Time will tell.....
Monday, 10 September 2012
Well Done You
48 hours 1 hour 52 mins somehow you managed to fit in a 1 hour conversation with a stranger. Awesome!!
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