Photo - Quote

A friend of mine sent me an awesome quote which I feel that right now I can kinda relate too.

With everything going on in my life from my marriage ending, to having feelings for someone who I shouldn't really have feelings for, to also trying to deal with my crazy move around a lot and not being able to connect or bond with anyone (friends or family) just makes for one crazy person and that as my friends would say is VERY true! ;)

I do know that everything I am going through or will go through in the next few months and even years that when I need to I have people that I can turn too for support.

I'm slowly starting to realise that its ok to want to take control of my own life and still be me. Eventually I will get there and slowly taking my own control back really helps.

To be able to feel more confident in myself and know that I pushed through all of this will be the best kind of personal development I can do.

So where do I sign up?

Baby Steps

It was a long and hard process for me to finally have the courage to come out and say that I had feelings for him and needed to start letting go.

A few months of running it through my mind, with girlfriends and my therapist I just wasn't ready. I always knew that eventually I would have to say something and every time I felt like I had the courage too I backed out.

I was scared I guess. Scared that if I said something it would ruin our relationship. That it would end up being awkward and to be honest, I wasn't ready to not have him in my life. I'm still not ready, but I know that emotionally its unhealthy for me.

It's been hard to control the urge to not text or call him and tell him about my day or hear about his but I'm proud of myself.

I know that to some people it's not a huge deal but to go from talking or texting almost everyday the past 7 months to cutting back, it's hard.

I'm ready to slowly move on and let go but I'm also ready to start working through more of my issues with my therapist. Seriously, anyone not in therapy I would totally recommend it. I love it. :)

I'm tired of riding this 'emotional roller coaster' and really want to get off but it just hasn't stopped at my stop yet. Not sure how long it's going to be until I can get off but in the mean time, I'll be the best support person I can be for the others on this ride and when it comes to their stop I'll be sure to be the person cheering the loudest.

Checking In

Without getting into too much detail I had an awesome 2.5 hour conversation with a 'friend' earlier today which was well over due.

We talked about our relationship and where it was headed and how we were both feeling about it. He's been my person these past 7 months and I've relied on him so much for both emotional support and when we're together the sexual part of that as well that my feelings for him changed from just friends to wanting more.

We went through the motions of talking and seeing how each other felt and I'm grateful that while it was a difficult topic for me to bring up with him that he was able to really listen and just get a feel for how I was feeling about our situation.

I think as we both learn to 'let go' and sort of not really rely on each other as much as we do (well for me anyways) or talk as often as we do it'll help me to not get anymore emotionally involved than I already am.

Our relationship aside we're actually really great friends and I would hate to not have him in my life. Like I said he's been my person these past 7 months but I feel that if I want to 'let go' of the emotional part of our relationship I need to make room to let other people in emotionally and be able to lean on them and not just lean on him every single time. Of course it's going to be hard but right now for me emotionally it's the best thing I can do.

I'm so grateful with how understanding he was about it all and I'm really glad that I was able to tell him how I felt and not worry that he'd judge me or think I was a weirdo for having feelings for him.

All in all it was a great conversation and aside from our circumstances etc he's a really good guy!

Friends

It’s been 4 months now and it’s honestly been the longest 4 months of my life.

On the other hand though it’s also been a good 4 months and most recently the past 2 months have been some of my best.

Since going back to therapy I’ve learnt so much about myself and why I’ve made some of the choices that I’ve made. It’s been a really rough road and I’m so grateful that I’ve had people there for me, my therapist being one of them. She has seen me at my lowest and lets me be me and I don’t have to worry about how she’s going to judge me. She has been such an awesome person for me and I’m so glad to have her. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I’m grateful though that while I have my therapist I also have that small group of close knit friends who I can turn to when I need them. I’m grateful to those friends and especially to that one person who has always been there for me actually those 2 but this one friend has always been there. When everyone else went away she was always there waiting and not judging. Ready to be that listening ear when I needed it. She’s my go to girl and even though I prob don’t say it enough I appreciate her friendship a lot.

She is one person I know who has been my listening ear at 3am till all hours of the day and night and who of all of my friends doesn’t really give a crap about what others think about her.

She was the one who even when things were hard in her life she still managed to find time for me and my problems but also time for her sometimes annoying family. :) I admire her for all that she has been through and I’m so grateful to have her in my life.

More than ever before I know I’m going to need her and I’m glad that while she has her own family and problems to deal with she’s still ok to be my person. I only hope that one day I can be the kind of friend to her that she has been to me.

Love you loser-roo!

My 2011

2011 has been a lot of things for me. Its been a mix of happy, sad, angry, tearful, love, hate, depression and SO much more.

So much has gone on this past year and these past 3 months have been some of the hardest months this year.

I’m grateful that just this past month I made the decision to go back and see Dolly. I’ll admit it’s been so much easier having her as one of the constant things in my life this past month. I’ve felt so lost and confused about my life and at times I’ve felt torn between doing what’s ‘right’ and what the best thing to do for me is.

I’m looking forward to a new year. To seeing what the new year has in store for me. It’s time to slowly move on with my life and not be afraid of letting people go or letting new people in. I know right now I’m not ready for a relationship but when I am, I want to be ready and be able to give all of myself to someone. Someone who I can be myself with. Who will love me for me and not judge me based on my past.

2012 is going to be the start of a new journey for me. Moving on and upwards.

Blah

My life is one big huge pile of mess and I have no idea how to stop from drowning in it all. I did all of this myself I know this much. I hurt the one person who would’ve done anything for me. I’m in a place where I have no family, no job and while looking for a job and even with interviews coming up that doesn’t help with the right now situation where right now I still need to pay money to people who need it. I don’t expect a hand out at all I’m ok to help myself just feel so overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life. Sometimes I wished I’d moved to Australia but despite everything that’s going on right now I love New Zealand and I’m not going to run away from my problems. I just need to find a way to make things all work for everyone.

Christmas

I really did get spoilt this year with Christmas gifts. I’ll be honest and say I wasn’t really looking forward to the holidays. Being recently seperated from my husband and not having any family members around made for a harder Christmas but I’ve had such an awesome morning.

I love my new family and I’m so grateful to have all of them in my life.

Looking forward to 2012 an hoping it’s a better year.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christchurch

This past weekend I spent my first weekend in Christchurch.  I had never been to the South Island before and apart from being able to see Martin I was also excited to say I'd finally been to the south Island.

Even though it was December I was still worried about it being cold and made sure to take more clothes than necessarily needed.

I had no expectations of Christchurch and deep down I hoped an earthquake doesn't hit while I am there but thankfully I didn't feel anything.

We had a lot of fun together this past weekend and Martin made sure to show me the sites and take me all of the cool markets and fun things to see and do in Christchurch.  We as always made sure to eat lots of yummo food.  You'd thing with all these photos the only things we did was eat food but we always have fun when we're with each other.

We also met up and hung out with one of my friends Serena who was down there visiting her Dad and her family so it was really nice to see and spend time with her.  We all went together to look at Cathedral Square.  I had so much fun on this past visit and I'm looking forward to being able to see more of Christchurch again soon.