Throwback Thursday

When my marriage first ended I was overweight,  unhappy,  and not motivated at all.  I honestly couldn't care less about anything.  There were so many things that led up to where I was in my life in that moment but I knew back then I wasn't ready to kick the bad eating to the curb.  Or even trying to think about caring for myself.

It has only been in the last few years that I decided now was the time to focus on myself.  Focus on loving me.  I knew if I did it for anyone else I wouldn't stick to it.  I would give up and I would feel even more worse about myself than what I did before I started.

It wasn't easy and to be honest there were a lot of days where I ate crap,  drank a whole lot of alcohol,  couldn't be bothered exercising and some days where I just gave up all together.  I hated feeling like I had to stop eating bread or chocolate or drinking alcohol. Why couldn't I just eat anything I wanted?  Why did I have to cut out everything?  Couldn't I eat all food in moderation?  It was always a struggle for me.  I learnt that if I cut out all the chocolate, sugar,  bad food or alcohol that I would end up binging.  I would spend 2 days straight eating crap.  Next thing I knew I'd eaten a whole block of chocolate,  a packet of chips and a bottle of Pepsi Max. Sometimes I'd eat more.

This last year it was only then that I focused more on cleaner healthier eating. I stopped dieting and just ate whole food.  Sure I still had chocolate and chips and drank Pepsi max but I didn't binge like I would previously.  I learnt to eat all food in moderation.  I didn't deprive myself.  I knew if I did I would go back to old habits.  I love food.  Food is my thing.   My weakness is chips.  I love chips.  I know my eating at the moment is probably more 60% good and 40% bad but I've got the next 3 weeks to kick some habits to the curb.  Instead of having sugar filled cookies or fizzy everyday I need to switch to water and having more water healthier snacks.

Another thing I've been looking at as well is ways to get more whole foods into my body. I know I eat quite a bit of vegetables but when it comes to fruit I don't eat a lot.  If I'm being honest, in a week I might have something like a handful of grapes and an apple.  Sometimes an orange but for the most part I know I know I need more fruit and veg into my system.  Good thing is,  I may have found something which along with all of the other amazing FREE support you get.  Tips.  Advice.  Help.  Motivation.  I'm tempted to join the tribe.

The time now is for me to work on a better healthier version of myself and not just in a physical sense either.  I've got a lot of things I want and need to work on. I think it I can make great choices my 2017 is going to be the best year yet.

Life is about taking chances and taking risks. Sure you could end up hurt,  regretting a situation,  missing an opportunity or better yet finding something that can truly make you happy but at the end of the day we only have 1 life.  Now is the time to take charge and do what makes you happy. We've all got things we want to change when it comes to our health.

What are yours?

Holy Half Truths

Today I had an interesting conversation with someone and one where for the first time in awhile I was able to be open,  honest and real about my feelings.  My feelings to do with being sick,  my health in general,  my failed marriage,  church and the current sort of whatever it is relationship I am in now.

We both grew up members of the church and with how both of our marriages ended it actually felt good to just talk with someone who has been in the same situation as me.  I always felt like when it came to church that I was the only person going through the trials and things I have and continue to go through.  A month ago when I had that missionary experience with Sister Soderberg I had a feeling that perhaps I needed to make some sort of plan to get back to church. I won't lie I still haven't gone back and the main reason I think is because I just don't have the courage to do it.  I know there is a part of me that is ready to go back but I also know that there is another part of me that isn't ready.  I want and need to go back for myself and for the right reasons.  I enjoyed being able to discuss my feelings with this person and knowing that I wasn't the only one going through a failed marriage and finding my way back to church.

For the last 5 years my life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.  My marriage ended.  I was excommunicated from the church.  I lost a lot of friends.  Both ones I had during my marriage and the few I've lost since my marriage ended.  I've gone from relationship to relationship because I've felt lonely and felt like I needed someone to help "cure"  that loneliness.  I have been in relationships with people who I shouldn't have been with.  I've done things to people I'm not proud of and I've hurt people I never ever thought I would hurt.

I'm not sure why I feel I need to confess all my "sins"  because this really isn't the place for it.  I guess right now I'm feeling like if I want my blog to be the place I can share my thoughts and feelings then I need to get everything out.  I can't share my feelings when there is still that small percentage of me that keeps things to myself because I'm worried people will judge me.  Life is too short to worry about what people will think of me.  I can only be myself and be the real me.  I'm not a perfect person and I know that I've got a lot of things that I need to work on.  All I can do is share my own personal experiences and hope that in some way I can help others.

I'm tired of telling half truths and not being the real,  raw, honest me.  Today talking with the person I did made me realise I'm probably not the only person going through personal struggles.  Whether they are of moral,  personal,  relationship,  money or any other form of struggle.  I know if I can be honest more people will be able to relate and get to know the real me.  That's all I want.

2016 has been a rough year for me health wise and I have a feeling 2017 is going to be much the same but I only hope that 2017 is a better more open and real year for me.  

Time to make some changes starting now.

Going it alone...

For the last couple of weeks I've been dealing with and helping friends who have been going through a rough time.  I spent 10 days in Wellington with Wade and even though it was nice to see him I don't think my being there made much of a difference.  I felt sad and sorry for him,  not in a I feel pity for him,  just a I care about him and it's sad seeing what he's going through. I don't personally no of anyone who is or has gone through depression but I can say without a doubt that Wade is in the thick of it all.  I won't go into the details of it and I totally get and understand why he is feeling the way he does but I kinda wish I could do more. 

Even though we spent time together we only really did 2 things together out of the house.  The rest of it was spent doing pretty much nothing at home.  I can't say I understand depression because I honestly don't.  I've never had to go through it so from my own perspective (which isn't much) I only see the...  "Yes things are bad but there are a lot of other things we have in our lives to be grateful for". I wish I knew more about it and I wish there was a way I could help him and others who suffer from depression and or anxiety as I have read that they sometimes go hand in hand.

Last night while talking to another friend he out of the blue told me he has severe PTSD.  So much so that he pushes people away or that he hurts people (emotionally)  who want to help but end up leaving because they feel they can't pull him out of the hole that he feels he's in.  I know that as much as I want to help both of these friends there's only so much I can do.  I care about them both but I also need to think of myself too.  With being the wear my heart on my sleeve kind of person trying to separate my feelings isn't always easy.  I can sometimes feel like a sponge that soaks up all the emotions and feelings that the person is going through making my own mental health suffer and I know that's not good.  I will always be there for people who need my help and would never turn my back on them but at the same time I also need to make myself a priority. 

It may sound mean but I don't want to drown with the two of them and then feel like I can't get out.  I will be a friend from a distance but I will also focus on myself while still trying to help and be a friend to them. I have my own things that I'm going through and if I want to help anyone I need to be strong enough to help myself first. 

I just wish as naive as it's going to sound that there was no such thing as depression.  It really is a rough and hard thing to go through.  I see the struggle Wade and Ray go through and my heart hurts for them both.  I couldn't imagine having to deal with the motions of that which makes me feel lucky as well as at times a little guilty.