Friendzoned

It's a strange feeling when you've been talking with someone for so long sharing so much that when you end up being friendzoned that you realise your feelings are a lot more than that of friendship. 

There were times where I thought perhaps things had the potential for more but at the same time he was/is going through something where I thought he wasn't ready to date so never said anything.  This past week however he's dated,  talked to girls with the potential for more and here I am in the friendzone.  Don't get me wrong,  he's an awesome friend and we've got close but never before have I had to experience the whole 'we've shared so much we just friendzoned each other'.  I'm aware that it happens and in my short lived 30 years this is the first time it's happened. 

I'm not sure if I feel sad,  happy or hurt but right in this moment I know I would rather have him as a friend than nothing at all.  I guess it's weird. The one time I actually talk to a guy, it's all platonic and we end up in the friendzone. 

To be honest,  I don't know how any of it  will turn out but for now I will step back and just focus on my weekend away with Aunty Sharron and just enjoy being with family.  I guess like they say,  sometimes you fall for the people you least expect. 

Life With A Trachy

When I first moved back to the far north I wasn't looking forward to it at all. Don't get me wrong I was grateful that for the interim I had a place to come to and that my grandparents were okay with taking me on for who knows how long. In the space of a couple of a month my whole life had pretty much changed. I went from having my own home, starting a brand new job that I worked had to get, a relationship that even though at the time it was a bit rocky it was still a relationship none the less, an amazing nanny job with a family that I loved to pretty much having to give it all up. I felt sorry for myself and I hated that in such a short time my whole world had done a full 360 and my life was about to change. Over the next couple of months as much as I loved being here with my grandparents and being able to spend time with them at the same time I missed the life I had before I got sick. I missed the normality and routine of what my life was and what I was so use too. Now though I sat here dealing with the whole not working, not having friends around, the relationship I was in ended, trying to hurry the hospital along to get this trachy out because to be honest I was over it. I was done and I just wanted it to all be over and done with. Fast forward to today and I'm in a much better head space than I was when I first got here. I have LOVED being here with my grandparents. I've got use to having the trachy. I don't feel sorry for myself and even though I miss work and friends I'm grateful that I still have people and friends who keep in touch. My life isn't the same as it was 10 months ago but at the end of the day I'm alive, I can breath, I have a home and there are so many things I can and am grateful for. I have seen more family these last few months than I have done in my entire life. Family who I hardly ever saw unless there was a funeral. Life really has been great. I've even had the opportunity to travel to Wellington a few times.

I use to be insecure about the trachy or worry about what people thought. To some degree I still feel a bit insecure about it but for the most part if people ask I am happy to tell them why I have a trachy and once they know they don't tend to ask anything more. Then there are the children who stare but generally a lot of people hardly ever notice I think it's my own insecurities that make me thing people only ever see the trachy when they look at me.

In the space of 10 months I've had 5 lots of surgery and every surgery even though I always have high hopes of it being successful to the point of where the trachy will come out it unfortunately hasn't come to that yet. That's not to say that things haven't improved because they have. The surgeries I had where steroids were injected directly into the scar tissue and done every 2 weeks for 3 sessions has really helped with the scar tissue. I am also on 15mg of methotrexate which I take every week as well as folic acid which when speaking with my surgeon she has said that on top of the injections as well as the methotrexate has really helped with the scar tissue growing back.

Last week I had a follow up appointment with Jacqui and in a month's time we will be going in for more surgery. Even though the scar tissue isn't growing back my vocal cords still remain incomplete so there is no active abduction on either side. You can see them trying to abduct but nothing happens. The surgery Jacqui will do will be a posterior glottis interposition flap. Don't ask me what it is but basically she'll chop a flap, fold it over and hope that that gives me more room for air to get in and then we will slowly discuss and talk about decannulation. At the moment the gap isn't big enough for me to have the trachy out but I am hoping fingers crossed that this next surgery will be the last one we have and then we can go from there.

Life is slowly looking up and even though it's nearly been a year I'm grateful that I have the support I need to get me through all of this. That I'm here, alive and can breath. Things could be so much worse. All I can do is stay positive and hope for the best.

Never Chase Love, Affection, Or Attention....

"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having..."

This is something that I've been struggling with the last few days (weeks).  I'm tired of being the person who always has to make the effort.  I've had people come and go in my life and I totally get that everyone has their own life and their own battles that they're dealing with but (and there's always a but) why am I always the person who has to make the effort.  Is it too much to ask that for once someone goes out of their way to ask how I'm doing?  In almost every relationship I've had in my life whether it's been platonic or romantic I have always been the person that makes the effort.  It hurts but I guess I have got so use to it that to some degree it's "normal".

Don't get me wrong not every relationship has been like that.  I can count on one hand the people who are in my life and have been in my life these several years who ALWAYS check up on me.  One is someone I met online way back when and has been with me through every bad, happy, great, sad, amazing and pretty much all the ups and downs in my life.  The other is someone who to be honest I least expected.  We met a few years back and for the most part, our relationship was that of one with benefits.  I never expected it would ever get to anything more and it hasn't but he's been an amazing friend when I have needed someone to talk to and even though his life is busy he still finds time to check in and see how I am doing.  There are a handful of other people as well but they're not around as much as I thought they would/should/could be.

I use to think that it was okay to always be the person who would chase after people. Arranging dates, lunches, catch ups or even just a quick text to see how someone was/is doing and even though I struggle with the whole wanting and always needing to be that person who makes the effort I know that it's not okay.  I shouldn't have to make "excuses" as to why someone hasn't messaged, checked in or asked how I'm doing.  I don't always have to be the nice guy (girl).

I have a friend who always made it his thing of saying that he doesn't appreciate people who only ever want to spend time with him when he's made the effort, or who only ever message/text him when they need something.  The funny thing is he does the exact same thing to me. It's like why go on about people not wanting to spend time with you or going out of their way for you when when it comes to our friendship it's okay for it to be one sided?  Or another friend who even though he seems to like and enjoy my company the communication is pretty much non existent now.  I guess people seem to think it's okay to have double standards.

So much has happened recently that it's made me realise that I need to be stronger and not feel bad or guilty for not being there for people who aren't there for me.  Life is way too short to worry about what other people think of you and to wonder if so and so is thinking about me. If they are, they'll let you know and if not then you're not a priority to them.  That doesn't mean you're not important it just means, that person is missing out on the awesome that is you.