2016 End Of An Era

As another year end it's crazy to look back and see how far I have (and haven't) come. It's still quite early here but best to get this out now rather than trying to do it later tonight. 

Let's do a quick recap of the year.  

January: 

This was a hard time for our family.  Cedric had been sick for a while and Aunty Mina had been doing hospital visits pretty much everyday if not more than once a day.  Toward the end Cedric came home and Nan, Nena,  Aunty Mina and I all stayed home for the weekend.  I had never experienced anything like what I did with Cedric.  I don't even know what I was expecting but what I am grateful for is that during this time I was able to build relationships with Aunty Mina and Nena that I wouldn't have,  had I not been in Whangarei going through the motions and sadness of losing a loved one. I won't say I loved the experience but I am in a weird way glad I got to experience it.  I've never been one to see anyone die as generally they're already dead and on the Marae before we turn up so having to go through it all we definitely interesting. It was sad and hard but going through that as a family I think really helped us grow closer together which I'm forever grateful for.  

February:

February was a much more quiet month which wasn't a bad thing.  I think we were all just emotionally drained that we needed to just relax and chill out.  I also received dates for surgery which involved fortnightly trips to Auckland starting early March and going for the next few months.  It wasn't something I was looking forward too but I only hoped it would improve my breathing and mean progress towards getting the trachy out.  

March: 

March was a month of adventure and the beginning of steroid injections at the hospital. I also met Wade online and things moved pretty quickly for us.  I made two trips down to Wellington in between my fortnightly steroid injections in Auckland.  A lot of travel this month.  Wade also had to work in Nelson so we managed a trip there on top of catching up with one of his best friends for dinner and checking out the sites of Picton,  Nelson and Blenheim in between the work he needed to do.  One of my fav months of the year and nice to spend some time together as well.  

April: 

Birthday month for a lot of people in my family.  Myself included.  I turned the big 30 this year and to be honest I wasn't really looking forward to it.  I didn't imagine it was going to be what it was but I actually had a lot more fun than I thought I would.  We ended up in Whangarei and had dinner with the family at an awesome Thai restaurant.  Aunty Sharron and I also went to a movie soo it was a fun awesome night out.  Didn't party too hard but still managed a couple glasses of wine with dinner.  April was also another month of travel.  J,  Aunty Sharron and I spent the day on Waiheke Island.  Loved it there.  I drove to Auckland on my own and met up with them before we caught the ferry across.  Such a fun day.  Checked out the sites.  Had amazing food (as you do when you're out) and loved spending more time with them both.  I also made another trip to Wellington to see Wade.  In between all of that I'm also still in Auckland for steroid injections.  Things are improving just super slowly. 

May: 

Another month of amazing travel. These last few weeks we have been spending a lot of time with Aunty  Sharron and J.  I have loved getting to know them both,  Aunty Sharron especially.  It's been amazing building a relationship with her now that I'm an adult.  This month we took a quick road trip to Auckland.  I was overdue for a haircut and what better way to make the trip worthwhile than to road trip it with Aunty Sharron and J.  We took our time travelling down stopping in at random places to have lunch and to check out the sites.  Another one of my fav months this year with all the travelling.  

June: 

I took a break from social media this month.  I didn't miss it as much as I thought I would and I'm glad I was able to take the month out and focus more on spending time with family. 

July: 

This was the month we made the big move to Whangarei.  Nan,  Papa and I moved into Aunty Sharrons house in Kamo.  It was the biggest mission moving and getting everything from up north to Whangarei.  We had issues with cleaning the house.  We made several trips back and forth. It was stressful and times but after a week we finally managed to get everything clear and moved in.  A few weeks later we were organised and settled in with Phone,  Internet,  Sky and power going.  It's been an interesting move but it should be a good move for us all.  J also moved in with us as well so that was exciting for us all.  

August: 

August was a really rough month health wise.  I had surgery at North Shore hospital ended up staying in longer than I thought.  Discharged only to end up in Whangarei hospital a couple days later with major difficulties breathing.  I spent another 10 days in hospital and even managed to see Jacqui as she was in Whangarei presenting at a seminar that another Dr was running at Whangarei Hospital.  I really struggled with the hospital visit this time round.  I hated being sick.  I was over the hospital.  I wished I never had the surgery way back when.  I don't generally get down but one day it just all hit me and I didn't want any of this.  It was the day I was feeling sorry for myself and I was over it.  The only good exciting couple things that happened in August was,  I bought a dog and celebrating LeeLee's birthday. We picked the dog from the SPCA in Kerikeri.  He was already named (Niko) when we picked him up but he suits the name and we love him to bits. I then went to Auckland and had lunch and dinner with LeeLee before we went to the Casino which wasn't that great but we did have some great drinks lol.

September: 

Another month of travel.  Lol.  I entered a competition that Vodafone was running on twitter to win tickets to Giselle and ended up winning.  Went with a gf Pam.  We had fun.  Went to Burger fuel beforehand then we went to the ballet.  It was the first time I had ever gone and it was more interesting than I thought it would be.  I thought it was going to suck and be boring but I had fun and it was nice to spend time with Pam.  A few months back a friend and I had planned to take a trip away to Paihia. He drove from Auckland picked me up and away we went.  It was a late afternoon trip because he had work beforehand but the drive was great and not as awkward as I thought it would have been considering even though Arthur and I had been friends over a year we hadn't really spent much time together because of our clashing schedules.  We were away 10 days and went to Paihia.  Russell.  Watuwhiwhi. Kerikeri. Waitangi.  Karikari Peninsula and stopped at a few random beaches on the way.  Such an awesome fun trip away and it was nice to explore Northland even if I did grow up there. I don't think you appreciate it as much if you grow up there but I loved being a tourist and had a lot of fun.  I also participated in a trachy study that was being run by AUT so that was fun.  

October: 

This was an interesting month.  After not hearing from Wade in forever out of the blue he texts to see how I'm doing.  We arrange for a trip so I make a plan and catch a flight to Wellington.  This trip wasn't a good trip.  It made me sad for him and all the crazy that he's dealing with and going through but I felt after coming away from the trip that I am better off being his friend from a distance.  It wasn't an easy decision for me because I felt like I needed to be there for him but I don't think I can be if he's just going to drag me down with him. I can be too nice sometimes but at the same time I need to remember it's okay to put myself first and be selfish even if it means doing something I normally wouldn't. Oh October was also the month I lost my license.  Never let that happen again.  Was going 50ks over the limit and managed an automatic 28 day road side suspension.  I also changed my name back to my maiden one,  at least on social media.  Nothing else can be changed till it all expires.   

November: 

Got my license back along with a $810 fine. Not good but that's what I get for speeding.  Now I need to be more careful,  not speed and drive like a Nana.  Nan,  Papa,  J and I also went to the Dargaville races.  We were going to make a day of it but after 4 races were run they abandoned the rest.  Papa wasn't happy but we still had fun with what few races we did watch.  Oh and I also reconnected with both a high school friend and a guy from high school.  Someone I had a huge crush on way back when. The guy not the girl Lol.  

December: 

This has been an interesting but also an amazing fun awesome month.  J and I have spent the last 3 and a half weeks here in Australia.  We were in Perth for 3 weeks with her family.  Spent Christmas with them and I was able to get to know and spend more time with them as well as with Aunty Bub and Fred.  So glad I made the trip out with J and more so that I was given the opportunity to be able to make the trip.  We've been having an awesome time.  Checking out sites.  Spending time with family.  Christmas shopping.  Eating way too much good food.  At least I have.  Getting to know people I wouldn't have had the chance to had I not come to Perth.  We are currently in Brisbane and will be seeing the new year in with my family.  New Zealand will see the new year before us but I'm looking forward to spending the next few days here in Brisbane with my family before we head home to Whangarei next Thursday.  

This year has been amazing.  I've loved all of the travelling.  The adventures.  The people I've met.  The relationships I've built.  The people I've reconnected with.  My health isn't getting worse but it's also not getting any better.  We are talking reconstruction surgery now but we will see what happens with that when I am back in New Zealand.  I am looking forward to seeing what 2017 has in store for me.  I have a few goals and things I want to and need to do but for now I'm going to enjoy the last day of 2016 with my family and spend the first 5 days of 2017 here in Brisbane.  Roll on 2017 and let's hope for an amazing awesome fun filled year of travel,  adventures,  new friendships,  relationships and so much more.

Throwback Thursday

When my marriage first ended I was overweight,  unhappy,  and not motivated at all.  I honestly couldn't care less about anything.  There were so many things that led up to where I was in my life in that moment but I knew back then I wasn't ready to kick the bad eating to the curb.  Or even trying to think about caring for myself.

It has only been in the last few years that I decided now was the time to focus on myself.  Focus on loving me.  I knew if I did it for anyone else I wouldn't stick to it.  I would give up and I would feel even more worse about myself than what I did before I started.

It wasn't easy and to be honest there were a lot of days where I ate crap,  drank a whole lot of alcohol,  couldn't be bothered exercising and some days where I just gave up all together.  I hated feeling like I had to stop eating bread or chocolate or drinking alcohol. Why couldn't I just eat anything I wanted?  Why did I have to cut out everything?  Couldn't I eat all food in moderation?  It was always a struggle for me.  I learnt that if I cut out all the chocolate, sugar,  bad food or alcohol that I would end up binging.  I would spend 2 days straight eating crap.  Next thing I knew I'd eaten a whole block of chocolate,  a packet of chips and a bottle of Pepsi Max. Sometimes I'd eat more.

This last year it was only then that I focused more on cleaner healthier eating. I stopped dieting and just ate whole food.  Sure I still had chocolate and chips and drank Pepsi max but I didn't binge like I would previously.  I learnt to eat all food in moderation.  I didn't deprive myself.  I knew if I did I would go back to old habits.  I love food.  Food is my thing.   My weakness is chips.  I love chips.  I know my eating at the moment is probably more 60% good and 40% bad but I've got the next 3 weeks to kick some habits to the curb.  Instead of having sugar filled cookies or fizzy everyday I need to switch to water and having more water healthier snacks.

Another thing I've been looking at as well is ways to get more whole foods into my body. I know I eat quite a bit of vegetables but when it comes to fruit I don't eat a lot.  If I'm being honest, in a week I might have something like a handful of grapes and an apple.  Sometimes an orange but for the most part I know I know I need more fruit and veg into my system.  Good thing is,  I may have found something which along with all of the other amazing FREE support you get.  Tips.  Advice.  Help.  Motivation.  I'm tempted to join the tribe.

The time now is for me to work on a better healthier version of myself and not just in a physical sense either.  I've got a lot of things I want and need to work on. I think it I can make great choices my 2017 is going to be the best year yet.

Life is about taking chances and taking risks. Sure you could end up hurt,  regretting a situation,  missing an opportunity or better yet finding something that can truly make you happy but at the end of the day we only have 1 life.  Now is the time to take charge and do what makes you happy. We've all got things we want to change when it comes to our health.

What are yours?

Holy Half Truths

Today I had an interesting conversation with someone and one where for the first time in awhile I was able to be open,  honest and real about my feelings.  My feelings to do with being sick,  my health in general,  my failed marriage,  church and the current sort of whatever it is relationship I am in now.

We both grew up members of the church and with how both of our marriages ended it actually felt good to just talk with someone who has been in the same situation as me.  I always felt like when it came to church that I was the only person going through the trials and things I have and continue to go through.  A month ago when I had that missionary experience with Sister Soderberg I had a feeling that perhaps I needed to make some sort of plan to get back to church. I won't lie I still haven't gone back and the main reason I think is because I just don't have the courage to do it.  I know there is a part of me that is ready to go back but I also know that there is another part of me that isn't ready.  I want and need to go back for myself and for the right reasons.  I enjoyed being able to discuss my feelings with this person and knowing that I wasn't the only one going through a failed marriage and finding my way back to church.

For the last 5 years my life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.  My marriage ended.  I was excommunicated from the church.  I lost a lot of friends.  Both ones I had during my marriage and the few I've lost since my marriage ended.  I've gone from relationship to relationship because I've felt lonely and felt like I needed someone to help "cure"  that loneliness.  I have been in relationships with people who I shouldn't have been with.  I've done things to people I'm not proud of and I've hurt people I never ever thought I would hurt.

I'm not sure why I feel I need to confess all my "sins"  because this really isn't the place for it.  I guess right now I'm feeling like if I want my blog to be the place I can share my thoughts and feelings then I need to get everything out.  I can't share my feelings when there is still that small percentage of me that keeps things to myself because I'm worried people will judge me.  Life is too short to worry about what people will think of me.  I can only be myself and be the real me.  I'm not a perfect person and I know that I've got a lot of things that I need to work on.  All I can do is share my own personal experiences and hope that in some way I can help others.

I'm tired of telling half truths and not being the real,  raw, honest me.  Today talking with the person I did made me realise I'm probably not the only person going through personal struggles.  Whether they are of moral,  personal,  relationship,  money or any other form of struggle.  I know if I can be honest more people will be able to relate and get to know the real me.  That's all I want.

2016 has been a rough year for me health wise and I have a feeling 2017 is going to be much the same but I only hope that 2017 is a better more open and real year for me.  

Time to make some changes starting now.

Going it alone...

For the last couple of weeks I've been dealing with and helping friends who have been going through a rough time.  I spent 10 days in Wellington with Wade and even though it was nice to see him I don't think my being there made much of a difference.  I felt sad and sorry for him,  not in a I feel pity for him,  just a I care about him and it's sad seeing what he's going through. I don't personally no of anyone who is or has gone through depression but I can say without a doubt that Wade is in the thick of it all.  I won't go into the details of it and I totally get and understand why he is feeling the way he does but I kinda wish I could do more. 

Even though we spent time together we only really did 2 things together out of the house.  The rest of it was spent doing pretty much nothing at home.  I can't say I understand depression because I honestly don't.  I've never had to go through it so from my own perspective (which isn't much) I only see the...  "Yes things are bad but there are a lot of other things we have in our lives to be grateful for". I wish I knew more about it and I wish there was a way I could help him and others who suffer from depression and or anxiety as I have read that they sometimes go hand in hand.

Last night while talking to another friend he out of the blue told me he has severe PTSD.  So much so that he pushes people away or that he hurts people (emotionally)  who want to help but end up leaving because they feel they can't pull him out of the hole that he feels he's in.  I know that as much as I want to help both of these friends there's only so much I can do.  I care about them both but I also need to think of myself too.  With being the wear my heart on my sleeve kind of person trying to separate my feelings isn't always easy.  I can sometimes feel like a sponge that soaks up all the emotions and feelings that the person is going through making my own mental health suffer and I know that's not good.  I will always be there for people who need my help and would never turn my back on them but at the same time I also need to make myself a priority. 

It may sound mean but I don't want to drown with the two of them and then feel like I can't get out.  I will be a friend from a distance but I will also focus on myself while still trying to help and be a friend to them. I have my own things that I'm going through and if I want to help anyone I need to be strong enough to help myself first. 

I just wish as naive as it's going to sound that there was no such thing as depression.  It really is a rough and hard thing to go through.  I see the struggle Wade and Ray go through and my heart hurts for them both.  I couldn't imagine having to deal with the motions of that which makes me feel lucky as well as at times a little guilty. 

Public Transport

Boy am I glad today is over and I'm even more glad I told Wade alcohol was needed at his place for my arrival.  He had wine which is awesome since he doesn't drink it.

Woke this morning and caught up with a  friend which was awesome.  Decide to catch a ride with said friend to Albany as it gave us a little more time to catch up. It did mean getting back to the other side of town but it would be worth it to catch up.  I did also have plans of grabbing a bite to eat there but couldn't decide what I wanted so ended up just walking to the bus station 15 mins away to make my way to the airport. 

I'm a pro at public transport now.  Haha.  Since catching it from yesterday and 5 million times today that would make me a pro.  Lol.  Managed to catch the bus,  the train and the bus to the airport and made it without getting on or off at the wrong stop.  Thank goodness the train announces which stop is next otherwise knowing my lucky I'd have gone all the way to Papakura lol. 

Arrived at the airport 1230pm for a 445pm flight which was fine as I hadn't had anything to eat.  Ordered some food and ate which managed to kill some time.  Then I kind of just chilled out.  Met an awesome lady who literally lives around the corner from me so we got chatting as she wanted to know about my trachy then kept on apologising for asking.  I laughed it off said it was fine as I'm use to it.  I get questions all the time.  That killed another hour then at 230pm we were told our flight was delayed till 550pm. Awesome another hour to sit in the airport.  Oh well,  at least all the interesting people you see can keep you entertained.  Not an hour late however our flight was delayed yet again.  This time we were to fly out at 620pm.  By 430pm I was done.  Over being in the airport and over delayed flights.  I managed to sneak off to the airport bar and grab a well deserved drink.  I couldn't wait for Wellington and even though I knew the drink would be expensive I totally didn't care lol.  The $9 cider totally helped get the edge off.

Flight was great.  Quick fast and soo glad to have finally got out of the airport.  We had BK for dinner sooo today's been a crap day foodwise but that's okay in Wellington and that's the main thing. 

Now to just relax and hang out and hope to get Wade away even if just for the day to get a break away from work and life.